Hey, first time poster to this site, not sure how this works but if someone could give me some criticism on whether the idea behind this essay works at all that would be great, was going for something a little more unique than the average essay but not entirely sure I pulled it off well.
Prompt: Imagine looking through a window at any environment that is particularly significant to you. Reflect on the scene, paying close attention to the relation between what you are seeing and why it is meaningful to you. Please limit your statement to 300 words.
I look out through a window and see life. I see caps and gowns, joy reflected in the grins of a thousand faces. I see an aisle, a radiant bride and a grinning groom, a shining spark of hope, the dawn of a new beginning. I see an infant gurgling happily, entranced by the swirls on the birthday cake before him and the single candle rising atop it, while the young parents stand beaming with ecstasy behind him. All the more saddening because the cake is a lie. Suddenly, the scene flickers and fades, and I return to reality. The window is an illusion, an image projected over the equations, the diagrams, the theorems and metaphors scrawled along the walls of my prison. That window, the future promise of a better life, is the thread of hope that keeps me on the path, that pushes me towards the narrow gate of success. The walls are closing in, my potential is bursting at the seams, striving to break free, and I am so close and still so very far from receiving the key that will unlock my prison; soon I will be free, and I will realize that potential at college. And on that day when I stand with my peers... on that day, that window will be my reality.
This essay has a lot of great language and I like that you interpreted the prompt with a figurative window than the way most people would approach it. That will definitely make you stand out. I have a couple of suggestions about the content:
Make the images go in chronological order. Graduation, then wedding, birthday
Also, take out the shimmering. It doesn't add much to the essay. Instead show that each of these images exists at the same time, because all of these hopes for the future coexist in your mind.
Lastly, I think the part once you've revealed that the window isn't real shouldn't be so negative. Focus on the fact that the window is a guiding light, not on how hard your life is now. Maybe take out one of the metaphors, the prison and the razor's edge are alot for such a short essay. I would say develop the prison one, but don't make it look like your life is so bleak. It's good to show that high school was hard on you academically, but make it seem like you feel on top of the world for getting there and will continue through college with the same mindset.
But don't get me wrong, you have a great essay here! My suggestions are just technicalities.
If you get a chance, please read mine:
Thanks for the feedback; changed the essay the way you said, and messed with the ending a little bit. Mind letting me know how the new one sounds?
I really enjoyed reading this supplement. You took a very unique path to this essay and I think it was a great idea and will definitly get you noticed.
One piece of advice though, the line: "All the more saddening because the cake is a lie.", I believe is too depressing. You could either take this line out or change it in a way that makes it sound less bleak.
But besides that I think this essay is perfect. Good Luck!
I love the language, but I think you can add more substantial things, rather than a lot of descriptions. In other words, AO wants to get an understanding of you, not your writing style.
All the more saddening because the cake is a lie. ---this sentence is incomplete, but that is okay, because you have "poetic license." But if you want a complete sentence, you can do this:
The fact that the cake is a lie makes it a sad scene. Suddenly, the scene flickers and fades, and I return to reality. The window is an illusion, an image projected over
...the key that will unlock my prison; soon I will be free, and I will realize that potential at college. ---This essay may be more abstract than it should be. I think the end of it should be revised, because you already established that you are stuck in a kind of isolation... you do not have to spell it out for the reader. It would be better to use the end of the essay to name some concrete goals associated with this freedom you want. How, specifically, do you envision your future?
Describe the goals in detail.