I'm a non-native english speaker from Japan and I really need some criticism! Does my essay answer the prompt? Is the tone fine?
Thanks in advance!
1. Please respond in 100 words or less:
While arguing a Dartmouth-related case before the U.S. Supreme Court in 1818, Daniel Webster, Class of 1801, delivered this memorable line: "It is, Sir...a small college. And yet, there are those who love it!" As you seek admission to the Class of 2023, what aspects of the College's program, community or campus environment attract your interest?
I will fit right in the Dartmouth community
When the Dartmouth 3D magazine arrived in my postbox, the front cover of a student in Pine Park, a feeling of familiarity settled upon me. I later found out why: Dartmouth shares the latitude and climate of my hometown in Hokkaido.
Devouring each breathtaking photograph of students engaging in and student testimonial, (and inhaling the strangely addictive fragrance of freshly-printed-magazine), I find myself at Dartmouth.
I see myself taking a stroll around Occom Pond, French flashcards in hand. I see my friends and I taking the bus to the Organic Farm, flaunting my ability pare apples as thin as a leaf. I see myself working as a research assistant at the Brain Imaging lab. I know I will fit right in to the Dartmouth community, surrounded by nature and amazing people.
I think that you answer the prompt just fine, and the tone is fine as well. The first sentence in the second paragraph, however, can be revised. There's no need for the parentheses here - ,
(and inhaling ...-magazine ) Holt Educational Consultant - / 10,552 3449
Anna, try to develop a more focused response to the prompt. Pick only one of the choices being offered to you as a response so that you can clearly explain yourself to the reviewer. Right now, your response is all over the place and does not really impress upon the reviewer why you would feel at home at Dartmouth. You could revise the essay to focus on the latitude and climate of your hometown to create a better and more personal reason as to why you were drawn to the university.
If I were writing this essay, I would explain that, as a foreign student coming to a new country, I would opt to attend a university that has some sort of familiarity because it would help ease home sickness and allow me to better adapt to my environment. That is why the latitude and climate similarity is of the utmost importance to you. Describe the university campus and its environment as a place that will easily feel like home because of the familiarity with the climate. As a student, the similarity in location can help you study better because your body will not experience a psychological shock that comes with a sudden change in environment. At least for you, the change will be gradual and less shocking because of the similarities Hokkaido shares with the university
Really nice. I love how you included a lot of things because this shows how you're active and really perceive Dartmouth as your home, not just a classroom you merely take classes in. I wouldn't change anything, but I do agree with @prismatiiic on taking out the parentheses.
Your response is really nice! Maybe add something about how your love for your hometown would transfer smoothly into Dartmouth. I agree with @ Holt that adding the same latitude and such would create an easier transition for you. Other than that I think you conveyed your message eloquently.
I like the essay, and you were able to fit a lot in the hundred word limit. However, I agree with Holt that it's a little unfocused, and the repetitive use of "I see..." as a sentence starter reads as a little list-like and unenthusiastic.