We are interested in learning more about you and the context in which you have grown up, formed your aspirations and accomplished your academic successes. Please describe the factors and challenges that have most shaped your personal life and aspirations. How have these factors caused you to grow? (800 word limit)
I would like some advice to improve my essay, but my priority is to shorten down to 800 words. Its at 864. Please help
Looking back at the last 17 years, I see myself growing more mature as time goes by. I remember the day my mom cried as I headed toward my first day of first-grade like it was yesterday. From that point on I faced many tough challenges, but have always found myself the motivation to come through, and after each challenge, I sense myself growing more independent, as I am further prepared to face the real-world problems and tackle noble causes like global warming and sustainability.
I was born and raised in a family in which all the work was done by my overprotective parents. They tried their best to keep me out of danger and the precarious environment outside my house. As a result I was very safe around my parents, but on the other hand I had few friends in elementary schools. I had no idea of what the world around me was like. For this reason I strive to be independent from my parents at a very young age. I was very driven to show my family that I have the ability to take care of myself. So I taught myself to do various house works beginning from the third grade, such as cooking, washing dishes, doing laundry, shopping for groceries, etc. It took me an enormous effort to do those things. I was very young at the time, and so I tried quitting many, many times, but somehow still managed to continue. But the work did paid off, as I learned how to survive in a week completely independent from an adult by the sixth grade. As a result I was left more independent from my family. That was not the best prize however. I discovered myself as a person who can accomplish the impossible as long as I have faith in myself. This mentality carried me to the next big challenge: to adapt to the new rigors and environment of America. The challenge was intimidating, since I was just getting to know my middle school in Vietnam. Learning a new language was never an easy task; however, a tough challenge excites me. Only by overcoming Herculean tasks do great individuals rise. That has been the motto I have followed my whole life. Challenges did not scare me. And so I gave my best shot at learning English, and what really surprised me was when my father assured me that my English was better than my dad's, even though he has been speaking English his whole life, talking to people around the world, while I only spoke it for a few months. A few years later, I am my father's personal translator for when he has difficulty understanding what people say. To me, challenges may just take a long time, but are never impossible to conquer.
Still, there were even tougher challenges waiting for me, persistently trying to knock me down and defeat me. I remember when I had just joined my high school robotics team, and all former programmers and programming mentors left, retire, or graduated. No one in the team, including me, had programming experience. The team struggled to find new programmers. As the day of competition came close and the deadline for finishing the robot was just a few days away, disqualification seemed imminent. At the time I had no interest at programming, but for the good of the team I assumed responsibility. So a challenge came to me: learn how to program and implement my skills into robotics in less than 3 weeks. The challenge seemed impossible, The process was extremely time-consuming. Learning Labview in a few weeks was awfully difficult. Countless hours of my sleep time and leisure time were spent learning something I did not enjoy. But the costs were negligible compared to the results, as I successfully programmed the robot to move, pick up and shoot basketballs, and many other skills, and my team's worries about disqualification was completely gone. That experience taught me a lesson about myself. During those three weeks, there were many moments when I really doubted myself, thinking that I could not finish the task in a short time. But during those moments, I managed to say these words to myself: "Quan, you can conquer every task you bump into!" And so with that attitude, I managed to finish something I had no prior experience to. What was surprising for me was that after Robotics, I became more and more interested in the field of Computer Science, and I may decide to study it in college.
Looking back at my childhood and the challenges I have face and conquered, I realize that I have some qualities in common with the greatest leaders: Self-motivation and fearlessness in front of difficult challenges. I can achieve beyond others' expectations of me. In college I hope I will learn the necessary skills to be a world leader and help humanity tackle its problems such as warfare and sustainability. I have always been dreaming of riddling the world of problems, but first I will have to solve my problems that are waiting for me during my college career. I don't need to avoid them, because facing tough challenges is the only way that I can gain the skills to help others solve their problems.
Thanks
I love your conclusion! I think it is flawless.
To trim down your essay you can eliminate some of your qualifier words.
"As a result I was very safe around my parents,"
"I was very young at the time , and so I tried quitting many , many times"
Getting rid of minor, unnecessary words and phrases should get it down to 800.
I Really love your ending.
well, there's one minor flaw in the conclusion :) 'Looking back at my childhood and the challenges I have faced and conquered' you missed the "d" haha.
A good couple of your sentences start the same. try rewording some sentences so that they are different sentence structures. This will give your essay more dynamics and a more professional feel.
I was born and raised in a family in which all the work was done by my overprotective parents. They tried their best to keep me out of danger and the precarious environment outside my house. As a result I was very safe around my parents, but on the other hand I had few friends in elementary schools. I had no idea of what the world around me was like. For this reason I strive to be independent from my parents at a very young age. I was very driven to show my family that I have the ability to take care of myself. So I taught myself to do various house works beginning from the third grade, such as cooking, washing dishes, doing laundry, shopping for groceries, etc. It took me an enormous effort to do those things. I was very young at the time, and so I tried quitting many, many times, but somehow still managed to continue. But the work did paid off, as I learned how to survive in a week completely independent from an adult by the sixth grade. As a result I was left more independent from my family.
Since you are looking to shorten your essay, I can see where you can merge these couple of sentences by simplifying the idea you have in them into one sentence.
And so I gave my best shot at learning English, and what really surprised me was when my father assured me that my English was better than my dad's, even though he has been speaking English his whole life, talking to people around the world, while I only spoke it for a few months. A few years later, I am my father's personal translator for when he has difficulty understanding what people say.
Though my father spoke English for the majority of his life, my skills surpassed his in a short amount of time-- and in excellence.
Your essay is overall very strong and sends a good message about you but work on making it more concise and to the point. good luck :)
If you could, check out my essay! It could use some looking over. thanks!
