This is my draft of one of Brown's writing supplements. Brown is my top college and I really hope to get in as a transfer, so I would appreciate all the help! Please also check for grammatical errors and flow.
Prompt: Describe what academic field(s) you wish to pursue at Brown, how you came upon that interest, and any post-graduation career plans you may have considered. (500 word limit)
As a woman who has just started experiencing the world, I see many opportunities to achieve my end goal of learning all I can about the world and its people, and hopefully make a difference in people's lives.
When I revisited my birthplace in Pakistan, ...
As a woman who has just started experiencing the world, I see many opportunities to achieve my end goal of learning all I can about the world and its people, and hopefully make a difference in people's lives.I'm not sure you need this first sentence. To me, your essay seems to begin with the second sentence.
When I revisited my birthplace in Pakistan, I understood the
heavy dependence women had on men , and I attempted to respectfully defy the status quo of the patriarchal culture by walking independently while still ensuring my safety. I realized that, while walking the streets of Pakistan, my independence and identity were stolen from me. Accustomed to the freedom I was granted for most of my life, I felt less than human in Sukkur. I could only imagine how other women felt, never having experienced greater autonomy. My resistance to conform to the cultural norms propelled me to help women and children suffering from a lack of freedom and independence. It sounds like you're "helping women" and "learning to conform" at the same time. But I'm not sure that's what you mean? This sentence is unclear. I had to read it multiple times to understand. I did this while re-learning and appreciating the Pakistani lifestyle of simplicity; I wore the traditional Pakistani shalwaar kamees, ate Pakistani cuisine, shopped at bazaars, and used squat toilets. This immersion into a culture that existed in my subconscious, but that I had forgotten, made me more flexible, cooperative, and understanding of my own privileges and responsibilities.How is the culture subconscious?
When I returned to America, I wanted to immerse myself in a field that would provide me with the skills and knowledge to help societies overcome cultural or technological barriers. Because of my privileges and where I was raised, I have the ability to do what many others do not. I have since made it my goal to do everything I can to ensure that societies I encounter will no longer have to live under the conditions I distraughtly experienced in Pakistan. Could you combine these first three sentences to make a single shorter sentence that gets to the point more quickly? Right now these sentences are mostly saying the same thing three times (they're redundant). While independently researching fields with my specific goals and interests, I finally decided to study development (DS). After taking an Intro to Development webinar course at UC Berkeley, and learning about the basics of development, my interest and eagerness to learn more in this field only grew stronger; I quickly became more excited about career possibilities and future practices. Such as?
The programs at Brown, specifically DS, prepare students to apply their education in the classroom to hands-on experience in the field. Similarly, the practical training I earn from DS will help me apply my knowledge and experience to my future career in law. After my undergraduate studies, I plan
on attendingto attend law school to strengthen my knowledge of international law so I may fight for justice to help improve the lives of many deserving and underserved populations. I also know that at some point in my career, I want towill work in Foreign Service, and engage in policymaking and government. But beforesupporting the underprivileged overcome the limitations of poverty and achieve their full potentialBe careful with phrases like these because it sounds like you're going to "swoop" in and save the people without privilege! Some people don't want (or need) saving. Some people consider the idea of saving patronizing or affronting. Keep these ideas in mind too, as you write, okay? , I must first achieve mine, beginning with a solid education at Brown University.