Considering both the specific undergraduate school or program to which you are applying and the broader University of Pennsylvania community, what academic, research, and/or extracurricular paths do you see yourself exploring at Penn? (500 word limit)
I'm looking for first impressions and whether I answered the prompt enough. Also corrections on diction etc. is welcome. Feel free to tear it apart.
Waking up to the gorgeous view of the Quad from my dorm in Gregory every morning is as perfect as it gets. I hurry and grab my materials for my morning Health Care Management and Strategy class and head off to class. With a concentration in Health Care Management and Policy, I have an abundant amount of work that must be prepared for my classes, but I knew what I signed up for. The concentration fits my future career desires perfectly. I have always been interested in medicine and the business aspect of it, especially since my mother is a dentist. Since I help out at my mother's office from time to time, I have been exposed to medical environments much longer than most people have. One thing that piqued my interest: hygiene always comes first, meaning that for every patient there must be a new pair of gloves, chair coverings, and examination instruments. Of course, I would be appalled if a dentist did not change gloves and examined my teeth with used instruments. However, the environmentally-conscious part of me cringes at the imaginary pile of waste that will not be recycled. All of the trash that comes out of medical offices is considered bio-hazardous waste and cannot be reused to any extent. If there was some way to reduce the amount of waste or supplies used per patient, would that not increase profits for the practitioner as well as help the environment? I am looking forward to researching ways of increasing efficiency for medical practices and I am sure that the classes will help immensely.
After morning study, I grab some lunch and head off to the Wharton Undergraduate Sustainability Association meeting. The WUSA focuses on spreading awareness of sustainable business practices and actually implementing these practices. The organization blends together my interests in business and environmental stewardship creating a club that fits me. WUSA also focuses on China, my parents' homeland, and sustainable cities within the country. I have visited China numerous times with my family and have witnessed China's capability to do wondrous tasks such as construct the Bird's Nest stadium. However, China's government also tends to sacrifice the environmental aspect for the wow factor. The Bird's Nest stadium remains empty while taking up a huge amount of land and wasting electrical energy as well. Going back to my concentration, I would love to be able to visit China and intern or conduct research on the sustainability of China's healthcare system. WUSA gives me the opportunity to actively create a change in the mentality of business leaders, both locally and internationally, to help be more environmentally friendly.
The meeting runs its course, and the rest of the day is mine! I plan on going to a 76er's game at Wells Fargo center and having dinner somewhere in Philly. The city is a beautiful place at night and provides a completely different setting from back home. Penn truly is a wonderful place to be.
...I have an abundant amount of work that must be...
use a comma for a compound sentence:
I have always been interested in medicine, and the ...
That first paragraph has too much in it. I think it is best to end it sooner so that the reader can easily identify your main idea.
And at the end, the conclusion is flimsy. It is good if you establish a clear main idea at the end of a 4 or 5 sentence first paragraph and then reflect meaningfully on it in the conclusion. Ask yourself what the main message to the reader might be, and then add a little to the conclusion to make your point.
:-)
