Stanford students possess intellectual vitality. Reflect on an idea or experience that has been important to your intellectual development.
In a classroom lit by scattered light rays, I sat quietly with my peers, facing the speaker ahead with rapt attention. That afternoon was a peaceful one. I remembered birds chirping musically on the tree branches outside the classroom window. While my peers were either dozing off or scratching away with their pens on notebooks, I was listening attentively to the professor from UCSF, lecturing on his research of heart stem cell regeneration. With every passing second, while the room was deadly quiet except for the occasional scratching noise, my mind was in a frenzy, threatening to explode from questions which consecutively sprang from each of the professor's new idea. The professor's explanation of his research on regenerating heart stem cells made my mind reel over on the many possible medical benefits it the research is successful. I could feel excitement starting to boil in my chaotic mind. As one of the light ray shone on my face, I knew instantly that I want to participate in that research. Unconsciously, I always felt research is within my interest; the bright glow shining on my face simply made this interest into a desire. No matter if it is now or in the far future, I want to become a research doctor. I want to personally witness the success or failure of the research on heart stem cell regeneration, not only to ensure no regrets in my life but also to help find a cure for my father who inherited coronary heart disease.
The Lowell Science Research Program, founded by UCSF M.D./PH.D students, was a memorable high school experience for me. As a small child, I have always liked to explain the natural forces and the mysterious happenings on Earth-----whether it is why the San Francisco winter is so hot, why there are mountains beneath oceans, or possibly what created the universe. Regardless of popular superstitious beliefs, I always think about these problems with logical speculations. I even see religion parallel to religion, explaining God as the creator of all logic.. Due to my firm belief on logic, the Lowell Science Research Program was a golden opportunity for me to manifest my interest and add more ideas to the archive of logic in my mind. Moreover, researching requires not only outstanding academic grades but also the capabilities to lead a team. This year, I organized a drive to donate toys and old clothes to the Salvation Army in the city. Though the drive is small, it is a step made toward my dream. Right now, my dream is only a seed planted in my heart, but one day, it will grow to be a big and tall tree, just waiting to contribute in the warm light of the bright sun by making oxygen.
Some phrases sound a bit awkward: "The professor's explanation of his research on regenerating heart stem cells" could be shortened to "The professor's research"
"made my mind reel over on the" is a faulty idiom, I think? Maybe it should be "made my mind reel thinking about"
The ending, "by making oxygen," sounds very strange. I think I understand what you're saying about making oxygen, meaning you're contributing to the world. It just sounds weird to me.
You briefly mention organizing a donation drive, but I'm not sure how it relates to your experience in the medical field. If you could link it back or connect it better, I think it would sound a lot smoother. If it doesn't relate and you're just inserting it to show leadership, maybe you should consider removing it.
One thing that interested me was your father's coronary heart condition. This seems very important! Talk more about this please =).
Last thing: Is this how you normally talk? Your essay sounds very formal and a little bit forced. For example, take this sentence:
"As a small child, I have always liked to explain the natural forces and the mysterious happenings on Earth-----whether it is why the San Francisco winter is so hot, why there are mountains beneath oceans, or possibly what created the universe."
Do you speak like this? Or would you say something like:
"Ever since I was a kid, I always demanded an explanation for natural occurrences other people took for granted. Why are San Francisco winters so hot? Why are there mountains in the oceans? What created our world?"
Either way, just try to loosen it up a little! I think you should inject more of your personality into this essay, as well as describing your goals! I'm sorry if I seemed critical--it's hard to seem nice on the internet sometimes... I promise I wrote everything in a nice tone when I was typing it. Good luck!
Edit:
Oh, one more thing! Think about breaking up your essay into a few smaller chunks. Especially the first paragraph. You have great descriptions about your experience and motivations in the first paragraph, but the sentences are a bit tedious to read consecutively. Try to develop more of a flow with the process of your thoughts, to hold onto the reader's attention.
The essay is a little bland. I think you need to explain more, add more detail. It just seems like an outline rather than an essay. You have a lot to write about; show why you should be picked rather than the next guy.
As one of the light ray shone on my face, I knew instantly that I want to participate in that research.
This sentence seems a little off for me. Did you really know that instant that you wanted to participate in research? I don't believe it. At least, it sounds like that from you're writing. Make it more believable instead of generic.
