Be as harsh as youd like here is the prompt.
In the space provided, please write a concise narrative in which you describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community. You may want to reflect on your ideas about student responsibility, academic integrity, campus citizenship or a call to service.
University of Florida Essay
I remember sitting on the kitchen counter, singing without a care in the world as the house phone started to ring. My father picked up the phone with his casual, "Hello?" After a few moments of aimless conversation, my fathers face had turned an odd pale color, and the blank expression led me to believe something was wrong. As soon as my father said, "Okay, Ill be right there", in a lifeless tone, I knew my intuition was right. While I was sitting there thinking what could be wrong, my father told me to behave while he was gone, and he would be back later that night. Impatience, anxiety, and curiosity all withheld me at that point. As I paced back and forth in my room, wondering what could be wrong, nothing could have prepared me for the news I received later that night.
I heard the garage door open, as I lay in my bed replaying different scenarios of what could have happened. As my mind wandered, I heard footsteps getting closer, and closer to my room. As the creaking in the hallway got louder, my anxiety level rose. It felt as if he was a mile away, and would never reach my room. Finally I see my dad, slowly, entering my room. He sits down next to me on my bed with a blank look on his face. I knew better than to bombard him with questions, and just let him tell me on his own time. After what seemed like hours, he tells me my mother was in a serious car accident, and was in the hospital. Then he says with a cracked voice, and hollow tone, " Everything will be okay, get some sleep, it is late". Sleep was not an option for me. Different questions flowed in and out of my head like raging rapids, but soon enough, my questions were answered.
My dad told me the next day that my mom was okay, but not in the best condition. He always kept his explanations very vague, until I finally asked for a thorough explanation. This is when I learned that my mother was in a coma, and was most likely to remain in a wheelchair for the rest of her life. For three months, I did not get to see my mom as she remained in a coma. The day she came home, I was overcome by emotions. Seeing her alive, although handicapped and in a wheelchair, made me appreciate life so much more.
My mother went through years of physical therapy, and can now walk without any assistance whatsoever. The whole experience taught me so many lessons that have helped me to this day. I hope to apply the perseverance and integrity my mother showed me, and the strength I needed to have throughout this experience to strive, and meet my goals at the University of Florida.
You can change the whole second paragraph to the present verb tense, or you can keep it past tense. If you keep it past tense, fix this:
As the creaking in the hallway got louder, my anxiety level rose. It felt as if he was a mile away, and would never reach my room. Finally I see saw...
Again here: After what seemed like hours, he tells told me my...
or
After what seems like hours, he tells me my...---but if you do this you have to change all the verbs in the paragraph so that they are present tense.
My mother went through years of physical therapy, and can now walk without any assistance whatsoever. -----I'm so glad!!! That is better than the result I expected when I read the word coma. I'm happy for you and your resilient family.
The whole experience taught me so many lessons that have helped me to this day. ---Okay. but this is not enough reflection. I want you to be ale to condense all this material and tell the story in 1/2 the number of words, and that way you will be able to spend a whole paragraph giving the "moral of the story."
