Hi, everyone. I'm new here :)
This is my "why Bates" essay, and I really need to be hurry !!!
I'm a typical student from Japan, not from intl school, so I really need someone to check my essay. My ALT said that red part should be erased, cause it's too much for "one or two paragraphs" essay. but I guess it's the part I can show my self to admissions. what do you think?
I appreciate any comments/criticisms/suggestions !!! Please !!!
I'll post other my essays soon, I really appreciate if you check them, too. Thank you :)
How did you discover Bates? Why do you wish to attend Bates?
"Do not worry if you have built your castles in the air; they are where they should be. Now, put the foundations under them." This is my favorite phrase by Henry D. Threau. Whenever I shrink from a big challenge, I've always remembered these words and tried to move forward to meet it step by step. One day, I was surprised to read on a web page, saying that Bates College was in Maine, where Threau loved to visit. I felt it was a fateful encounter for me --- always keeping his words in my mind, being eager to understand the power and the wonder of nature. Although "Bates" was struck in my mind, I didn't decide to go there for only this reason. However, over the last year, I've gradually been convinced that where I should go is not one of the hundreds of other colleges, just Bates.
Bates, I believe, is the best place for me to seek and enhance my strengths and potential. Its great environment --- small class sizes, a great dormitory life, and a close relationship between students and professors --- are telling me that they will certainly help me to achieve my own goals which are to move myself higher and to broaden my out look world. However, what especially swayed me to make the final decision was that it has given students lots of opportunities to seek a new world for each individuals since its foundation. I believe that Bates has been a home for thousands of people who have various backgrounds where they can conduct discussions openly and enthusiastically. Environment which enables me to live and interact with students who also come to seek diverse international experiences is exactly what I want. It was when I visited Taiwan that I realized keenly how important it was to see the world from various angles. As a member of Japanese High School Student Delegation, I luckily met Lee Teng-hui, the former president of Taiwan. Listening to his talk about the history of Taiwan and Japan, I was shocked to realize that what I had learned was not the whole fact, but only one aspect of it. I realized that notionally I've never stepped out from Japan, where people share almost one culture, one language, and one perspective compared to other countries. Since then, I've been eager to experience different sense of values, and to learn how to view truth or justice in this global society. I am certainly sure that it is at Bates where I can seek, and find, what I need to be a full fledged cosmopolitan. I would be very interested in applying for the study abroad program which is one of the unique and attractive options that Bates offers if I were to be accepted. That experience would enable me to learn how to see the world in a different way; that is, a way which I wouldn't be able to see from life with Bates' international community alone. It would be a great honor to be able to achieve my goals at Bates college, where I will be able to "put the foundations under my castles".
Hi! I'm also a student in Japan applying to some LACs this year. Looks like we're in the same boat.
Just some personal opinions here, you can ignore them if you want:
All of these features are telling me that they will certainly help me to achieve my own goals which are to move myself higher and to broaden my out look world.
I feel this sentence is rather long. Maybe try:
All of these features will certainly help me to achieve my own goals of pushing myself further and broadening my outlook on life .
I understand that Bates is not the most international college in America, though I understand that since it's founded by abolitionists,
I feel this sentence is unnecessary.
Relating back to my favorite phrase, I believe that by studying here, I will be able to put a foundations under the castles that are my goals.
If you cut that part, I think you'll get a stronger concluding sentence.
I think the red part gives a personal ring to the essay. If you cut the red part, I feel the essay will be less personal and come off as a bit abstract. You could cut some other parts in the essay to shorten it.
Good luck with your essays! Hope we'll both get in :)
Hi ukkuma!!
Omg, are you also a Japanese student ?! so happy to receive your comment! Thank you :)
yeah, you're right. I'm always bad at make something short... I gotta do something with it!
I appreciate your improving my sentences. And I'm glad to hear that I can keep the red part--- I agree with you, I think I need it. I'll try to fix them!
About my conclusion, were you able to understand what I said about "foundation" and "castle"?
I didn't put the sentence "Relating back to my favorite phrase" cause I thought it's too much, as you thought, but I was worry that whether readers can understand what I am saying about "foundations" or "castle".
If I cut that sentence, will it still make a sense??
hey, by the way, did you by any chance, applied for Grew Bancroft scholarship program?! I guess there're two students from Kochi and I spoke to both of them...maybe we met there before....!!!
Hey~~ yup, a non-international school Japanese student.
Omg yeah, I did apply to the Grew Bancroft Scholarship! I remember we all talked during waiting time! Didn't make it though :P Did you get it?
I read your other essays too, and though they're long, I think your writing is really poetic. Would do great for stories!
Hmm, if they have read the introductory lines, I'm sure they'll know what you mean by "foundations" and "castles". If you're worried though, maybe you could try writing it:
It would be a great honor to be able to achieve my goals at Bates college, whereI will be able to "put a the foundations under themy castles that are my goals ."
Perhaps try quotation marks?
wow!!!! then I met you there!!! it's awesome !! :D
I think I remember you, you said you studied abroad for a year,right? I'm a girl from Okinawa... maybe I talked some about myself, and you did, too :}
Naaaah, me neither! That's why I'm here haha :)
Great idea!!!
Then, they'll understand for sure. Thanks so much !!!
I'll post a new version if I can fix them tonight ><
thanks again, hope you have nice Fuyu-yasumi !!
Oh, the one that studied abroad for a year isn't me :D I've only done foreign exchange during the summer break. Aaaw. Guess that's why I'm here too haha.
Oh yeah, from Okinawa! You know, maybe I still have your email address :)
No problem. Glad to have been of some help! Hope you have a nice fuyu-yasumi too!
oh, during the summer break! I misunderstood that :P yeah you are the one who left the room with another girl who finished her interview before yours, right??? wow, really? I don't have any email address, I didn't ask everyone to write me :( hey text me when you get the result from the college!
This is my new version, still long? it's 531 words now.
wanted to cut more, but I didn't know where to cut anymore.
Does anyone have any suggestions ??? Do you think it's OK to hand in this essay? I'll fill in my form today...!!! Thank you so much!
Do you think it's strange to write "I believe that..." here?
I believe that Bates has been a home for thousands of people who have various backgrounds where they can conduct discussions openly and enthusiastically.
Is my essay too focus on "international Bates" ???
Any last comments/suggestions are welcome!!!!!!!!!
I finished my common app right now!
thanks sooooo much !!!!! you really helped me, I was really encouraged to know that there're also students in Japan who tried hard to get in the university in America, like you.
good luck for both of us ;)
thx so much again !!
