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I seek truth. My drive to find the right question and learn the true answer defines who I am.


MarleyWH 5 / 12  
Nov 12, 2010   #1
So here's the pitch:
Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud, and how does it relate to the person you are?

And here's the swing:

I seek truth. My drive to find the right question and learn the true answer defines who I am. Beginning at the earliest age of complex cognitive development, around age eight, I began to wonder about the truth. Within a year I had conceived of god, learned the basis of religion in society, and then rejected it outright for various logical flaws that I had found. I well remember that first moment of enlightenment.

...

after edits:

I seek carnal truth. I look to find the explanation for those things that are quantifiable, and to reserve judgment on those that are not. My drive to find the right question and learn the true answer defines who I am. Beginning in an early year, around age eight, I began to wonder about the truth and for the first time in my life I was considering concepts outside of my immediate surroundings. Within a year I had conceived of god, learned the basis of religion in society, and then rejected it outright for various logical flaws that I had found. I well remember that first moment of enlightenment.

As I was only nine years old, I had never heard arguments for or against theism, I had merely attended temple with my family on a semiannual basis although we were not particularly religious. Thus the conceptions I began to draw in my mind on the nature of religion and god took form slowly and without external interference or bias, until one day, the pieces clicked. I had not begun my venture with the thought that god may or may not be real; I had simply pondered the idea of god in general. As it was, I came to the conclusion that god was an unnecessary prescription to the function of the world. I had considered the properties of physics, biology, and my own short experience to render this conclusion. Upon the instant of realization (or revelation), I felt exalted; I was filled with a resounding energy and a radiant happiness. This feeling, once faded, left me quickly seeking out new paradigms to discover. The unadulterated joy that discovery brings me truly holds precedence in my life.

From that first step into the world of man, I was forever joined to a higher cause, the cause of truth. Now, after a chain of discoveries and insights, each more poignant than the last, I arrive at the present moment. My drive has not changed, my purpose remains firm, and now I seek to expand my knowledge further. I seek to expand my horizons and fulfill my desire to comprehend all the facets of reality.

OhsoSoulful 1 / 9  
Nov 12, 2010   #2
hmm. it seems... too general. it doesnt really point out one experience that has changed you. it's a thought that you've been pondering over your lifetime. and your reached verdict is senseless. A nine year old taking thousands of years of belief and prayer and blowing it off as "silly". it's clear that you're a curious person and you hunger for knowledge and you have good diction, but the content in no way shows what kind of person you are. the reader(the person at the UC reading this) will think this essay is a big jumble of words with no real content. your diction is good but they will not find it particularly impressive as they see many essays from many intelligent applicants. and your conclusion that the concept of God is "silly" might offend some people.
OP MarleyWH 5 / 12  
Nov 13, 2010   #3
Thank you, that's helpful I'll consider that, any other comments?
OP MarleyWH 5 / 12  
Nov 14, 2010   #4
Now looking at this essay I am starting to worry it actually might offend someone, and that Soulful you seem to be right it lacks direction. I would really appreciate another comment. Thanks!
simbamaxxed 5 / 59  
Nov 15, 2010   #5
According to you,you were <<thrilled and filled with resounding joy>> at the realisation that the concept of religion was preposterous.That is a very strong and bold assertion to make.Please consider your audience and be very,very wary of their sensibilities.Obviously the reader will try to be objective,but what makes your writing difficult to take seriously is that you have made some sweeping and controversial statements without any solid evidence to back up your claims.This makes you appear a bit linear and single-minded. Lastly,do you think your essay has adressed the demands of the prompt?Have you shown yourself to be a positive-minded person?Is your essay a joy to read?Will it offend someone with a contrary opinion(I found this was the case)You may need to answer these questions honestly before you submit this.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,335 129  
Nov 21, 2010   #6
I seek truth. ---I have only read this sentence, but when I read it it seems very melodramatic. I think it is better to find a unique way to express the idea. Or maybe you just need the perfect adjective right before "truth."

My drive to find the right question and learn the true answer defines who I am. ---I recommend a book about critical thinking called, "Asking the right questions," and I think the author's name is Nosich.

This feeling, once faded, left me I found myself quickly seeking out (out?) yet again.

I think you might mean this:
...growing hunger for an explanation about the nature of reality.

Well, I think it is a great essay, but you need a good adjective to distinguish the truth to which you're referring. :-) And if you find it, post something about it at essayforum!

:-)
OP MarleyWH 5 / 12  
Nov 23, 2010   #7
I chose carnal as that adjective, hopefully that conveys the right conceptions, and I'll definitely be checking out that book. Also I have to strike 10 words from this to make it fit, any suggestions?
Kiraw - / 10  
Nov 23, 2010   #8
Your revised version seems better but I would personally stay away from a religious matter like this all together. You never know how an admissions officer may feel about this and you absolutely do not want to offend them.

However, it seems that you are very passionate about this topic, and if you must keep it, I suggest that you reword or completely delete the following sentence:

As it was, I came to the conclusion that god was an unnecessary prescription to the function of the world.

I am not a religious person at all but this statement comes off as potentially very offensive. I also think your essay is a little too much like "what I believe is the truth and what you believe isn't." Maybe try to work in a sentence or two that you are open to other possibilities. Otherwise, college admissions officers may see you as closed minded.
Natttalie 2 / 3  
Nov 24, 2010   #9
^^^^ Sorry to get into this convo! But your revised version looks so good. And great job taking out the religious parts. You still convey the same over all message, so thats perfect.
aishwary18 1 / 3  
Nov 24, 2010   #10
yes,

honesty is the best policy. truth is only one, and lies are thousand sencences. to truth comes after telling 1000 lies statements.

in decision making ture problems should be findout by boss, to that best treatment he can provide.

add more u r experiences of truth and lies in u r society.


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