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Seeking knowledge and commitment to service - Spelman experience


msjamie 2 / 11  
Jan 9, 2011   #1
Hey, give me the good, bad, the ugly. Critique it as if you were a writing judge! Been working on this for 2 months.

Prompt: Seeking knowledge and commitment to service are integral parts to the Spelman experience. Discuss and illustrate ways you have shown commitment in these areas.

Carl Jung said, "Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens." That means everything will become clear only when looking inside of your heart. Seeking knowledge takes patience because education cannot be shortened, or limited, and commitment to service takes integrity because of devoting yourself to treat others with respect and because of reflecting good character and morals. I am not shy of these two factors because my family applied them into my life and into my heart, which has made everything before me clearer.

after edits

In the words of Franklin D. Roosevelt, "I ask you to judge me by the enemies I have made." Of course, I have stumbled upon that quote in U.S. History class and reminisced its actual meaning while mouthing the words to myself. As far as I can remember, the only enemies I have made were ignorance, failure, and selfishness; all have mercilessly attacked me into the point I begin questioning myself: am I here to serve, to become successful? Or am I here as one more person in the world to become consumed by fate?

I remember myself as a child, uninterested in simple things like crayons and dolls. Education is a must in my household, and every night I would read a new encyclopedia of every alphabet for no apparent reason. I managed to keep up with schoolwork even though my family relocated almost twice a year, and I was always competing with other gifted students in my school and state. My mother would always preach to her daughters about the importance of an education because it would determine where I stand financially and spiritually; where I live, education is not as appreciated as it should be, and my mother was not allowing her pride and joy uphold their education hold for anything like she did due to an abusive ex-husband that caused much of our relocations.

To starve my selfishness, I am dedicated to many organizations, volunteer and extracurricular activities. Even though I want be a physician, I have joined FBLA (future business leaders) because I want to build a hospital in my community to create more jobs and volunteer opportunities. I try to be a good leader in my community, often giving advice to peers; thus, I keep my humbleness and consideration for others. When I became a member of Tunica Teens in Action, I remember cleaning up our old neighborhoods and giving hope to those who have literally lost everything; every day I am worried about what to wear tomorrow, and there are people living in my town without a pair of shoes to wear. Giving away my items, costly or not, felt better than owning many more of those items would; i literally gave a shirt off my back.

To experience the lifestyle of a 'Spelmanite' would not only impact my life, but it would give me a chance to prove my importance to the world. "We may encounter many defeats but we must not be defeated," said Maya Angelou. Through many hardships in life I have encountered, from being told no more than being told yes, from being underestimated because my sex, from being giving up what I have for absolutely nothing but gratitude in return, a beautiful black butterfly evolves and soars high above all of her enemies: ignorance, failure, selfishness, with a future of becoming a successful, educated leader.
OP msjamie 2 / 11  
Jan 9, 2011   #2
Ok i have edited it

i just subtracted a few things to make it 500 words.
MoonCl0ud 3 / 9  
Jan 9, 2011   #3
Carl Jung said, "Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens", which meaning everything will become clear only when you looking inside of your heart. Seeking knowledge takes patience because education cannot be limited (i think you should say something else here, because the whole education can't be limited is too vague)

and Commitment to service takes integrity because ofto devote yourself is to treat others with respect while showing good character. I am not shy (i think shy is not the best word choice, maybe you should say ''I am extremely familiar with...") of these two factors because my family applied them into my life and into my heart, which has made everything (instead of everything, maybe ''world'') before me clearer.

At the age of nine, my mother told me, "Baby, the longer you stay in school, the more money you would make." I told her that I wanted to stay in school forever, and she laughed at my naïve answer. She hugged me tightly and told me it is more important that I make something of myself and that the only way to do this was to further my education. This advice was coming from a young mother who dropped out of college and moved from Chicago to escape my abusive father and to provide a safer environment for her children. She is considerably patient in whichfor she raised her two children and after they were independent enough tocould dress themselves and cook their dinner, she continued her education

I have frequently changed schools from elementary to now. I sought after knowledge by reading anything over a few hundred to a few thousand pages and competing against student's grades. This year I even changed my schedule several times only to have the perfect, most challenging classes.

From 8th to 10th grade, athletics have filled my schedule; soccer, tennis, and softball were sports I was devoted to. I am a bit of an existentialist; by serving and seeking knowledge, I find myself in the process (im a little confused here, what process do you mean?), and I do not think any other school besides Spelman College can make this journey larger than life. As a junior in high school, I counseled the elderly at a retirement home that was right behind my house. It amazed me how much of an impact I was to some of the people there (be more specific of what that impact was: aka, made the person happier, provided company, etc); i met an old classmate of my granddad's, who was also forced to drop out at 6th grade to work in the cotton field. (importance of this?? it doesn't support your point)

I found all of my volunteer work is searched for independently. At a local library, I volunteered for tax assistance for two months. I met many people with many different stories; some people got laid off from their jobs and only received a couple of hundred dollars worth of refunds, and others received far less than their disability checks. That summer, I was awarded the People's Choice Award in my town's newspaper.

When I earn enough money from residency, I plan to open a health care center for my small town that will be open all day in order to create more jobs and more volunteer opportunities for everyone. To become a physician takes more than just commitment; it is an ongoing journey with service and knowledge.

Cool, i think you have a good premise. Your examples though are a little overwhelming and too fleeting (as in you don't go in depth and it doesn't make as much of an impact as it should, im sure you're an extremely caring and thoughtful person, but you merely mention the things you've done and it doesn't quite show how thoughtful you can be). My advice would be to try cutting down on the examples and focusing on the ones where you really shine. It's quality over quantity!

Overall, a few sentence structure fixes and making a few points more specific would be nice. Good luck!!

Help edit my usc essay plz?
OP msjamie 2 / 11  
Jan 10, 2011   #4
OK i have definitely revamped it!!

Please review it and tell me what u think!!
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Feb 4, 2011   #5
This is very impressive! Your quote was a good choice.

I remember myself as a child, uninterested in simple things like crayons and dolls. Education is a must in my household, and (I think the intro to this paragraph is ineffective... too vague... "uninterested in simple things..." seems kind of "elitist" or something, ha ha. But you can replace that with a brilliant sentence that gives the reader a powerful experience... and then continue: every night I would read a new encyclopedia of every alphabet ---can you reword this so that it is a little clearer? ...for no apparent reason. I managed to keep up with schoolwork even though my family relocated almost twice a year, and I was always competing with other gifted students in my school and state. ----I like the whole essay, but I guess this paragraph is the one I don't like. It is a lot of "telling" instead of "showing." The paragraph should have some interesting message that is more than just, "I was always scholarly and good at school." Many people are. You have to focus on showing that you are inspired to accomplish some specific, great things in your chosen field. :-)

This is the powerful stuff:
I want to build a hospital in my community to create more jobs and volunteer opportunities.---This is the most important stuff. Make this plan even more detailed, and read some relvant articles about people doing what you describe, and really prove that you have dedicated a lot of time to this... that is the most important thing. :-)


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