hello i would like an opinion on my essay . Its just a rough draft, please be gentle lol. I don't know what else i can add to expand it, im open to any ideas.
Please type your response to one of the two questions below, include your name and date of birth on each essay question. Your response should be between 500 and 1000 words in length.
Essay Option 1. Discuss a meaningful contribution you have made to your school community, church, or place of employment, the impact of that contribution, and what you learned from the experience.
Essay Option 2. Describe an experience that you would consider to be either one of the best or worst in your life, explaining why you consider the experience to be among the best or worst, and how the experience has impacted your life.
An experience that has impacted and crafted my life in the most divine way took place when I was sixteen. I attended an alter call as one of my church's avid church-going youth. I remember one particular night we were having a youth crusade at my church. Something in the air made me feel at ease, it was just peaceful. I made my way to the isle and sat down. The guest speaker started preaching, about how we needed to stop just talking about following the word of god and start walking and talking. He suddenly stopped in mid sentence, and said "for those seeking a new life come forth. The Lord, he can help you". The building was filled with an eerie, awkward silence. No one stood up to go. Then he muttered "Don't be afraid or ashamed."
I laid my head down on the cold bench in front of me, and closed my eyes, feeling the vacuum of the moment sucking the air out of me; I knew he was talking about me. Something deep inside was beckoning me to go, "don't be afraid, this is your chance. Forget everyone else."". At that moment, the revelation came upon me that my faith in God has influenced me in so many ways. I am committed to the church and sometimes I feel like I don't let God use me enough. I see a bright light, first as a spot, then as a beautiful, white luminescent light that expands, until it fills my closed eyes. It envelopes my body, It bathed me in a sense of incredible love and absolute peace I indulge in the moment, in awe of its supernatural brilliance. Then, as the light fades, I weakly open my eyes to find that everyone had gone home, leaving only the Pastor, sitting patiently. I gather myself for a moment, only fall apart as tears shower my face.
He slowly approaches me, and clasps his soothing hands on my shoulder. He whispers "son, you have come to the right place. As he takes a seat across from me, there is an eagerness upon his old, ripened face that conveys in me a sense that he was truly there to help me. I knew I could trust him. My lips began to part, all my fears and doubts about life and where I was going, pour through. He embraces me tightly and says, Son God has a plan for you. He is standing at the door of your heart, it is unlocked and He is waiting for you to open it to him, he is not going to force or budge his way in, you have to let him in. He understands that you might have some doubts, but you have to take the first step. Talk to Him; tell Him that you have doubts, but that you want to believe. Those words struck light through the darkness that's was my soul. I knew I had to change.
I always look back on that life changing night, when I feel like giving up or when my spirit is low. I know all I have to do is thank god, and everything will be all right. I can do anything. "With God, all things are possible"
you should separate them. I mean you should have (introduction-body-conclusion).
I knew he was talking about me . How did you know?
you can write a little more about this one.
and said," for those seeking a new life come forth the Lord, he can help you" .
past tense.
I lay my head down on the cold bench in front of me, and close my eyes.
An experience that has impacted and crafted my life in the most divine way would be took place when I was sixteen years old . I attended an alter call as one of my church's avid church-going youth.
Yes, you do a lot of switching verb tenses. I think you should switch it all to the present tense like this:
I see a bright light, first as a spot, then as a beautiful, white luminescent light that expands until it fills my closed eyes. It envelopes my body, It bathed me in a sense of incredible love and absolute peace.
He suddenly stopped in id sentence, and said for those seeking a new life come forth the Lord, "he can help you".
I dont really get this sentence. Do you mean:
He suddenly stopped in mid sentence, and said "for those seeking a new life come forth. The Lord, he can help you".
"don't be afraid, this is your chance. F orget everyone else."
You changed verb tense somewhere in the middle of the second paragraph. Its pretty confusing.
He slowly approaches me, and rests his soothing hands on my shoulder.
or
He slowly approaches me, and clasps my shoulder with his soothing hand.
This is great, seriously. Now, the thing that is missing is the academic part. Can you revise the last paragraph to connect your academic and professional aspirations with this decision to change?
