A seemingly impossible obstacle can become one's biggest asset; Amherst essay

Amherst Common App Essay

Prompt: Please respond to one of the following quotations in an essay of not more than 300 words. It is not necessary to research, read, or refer to the texts from which these quotations are taken; we are looking for original, personal responses to these short excerpts. Remember that your essay should be personal in nature and not simply an argumentative essay: "Difficulty need not foreshadow despair or defeat. Rather achievement can be all the more satisfying because of obstacles surmounted."

Attributed to William Hastie, Amherst Class of 1925, the first African-American to serve as a judge for the United States Court of Appeals

One of my earliest lessons in how a seemingly impossible obstacle can become one's biggest asset, came when my family shifted to Punjab in 2013. As the train crossed the border of Punjab, my excitement level shot up as I fantasized about learning my native language. But it took only a day for my bubble to burst before I realized that I would not be allowed to take it as a subject as my classmates had been studying it for six years, while I wasn't even a beginner.

Almost on the verge of shedding tears, I realized that without making an effort, I could remain pushed to the wall forever. That's when I resolved to study my native language whatsoever. What followed was a bumpy, yet rewarding road. Noticing my drive my principal even yielded, permitting me to sit for the month-away sessional exams. In pursuit, I moved to the house of my grandaunt, where she charted a rigorous writing exercise for me. I even took up studying from grade one textbooks, at the expense of being mocked by my classmates. However, when the results were declared, I cried. These were tears of joy as I had secured 90%. Those who mocked me earlier, applauded me that day, even as I gloated over my feat.

I learned an indelible lesson that day, that the glory of overcoming the obstacle was greater than the obstacle itself. The most challenging task was the resolution to act, the rest was simply tenacity. The amount of happiness extended manifold due to the intense satisfaction of achieving a task that demanded my best. Faced with adversities, I learned to value my hard earned success and strive to retain it. This experience became my touchstone for the future, paving way for many more successful endeavors ahead.

Anant, there is a lack of backstory to this essay that prevents the reader from understanding the full importance of the tale that you just told. If you can provide the reasons to why you did not grow up speaking your mother tongue and why you were away from your mother country for so long, the essay may become clearer in terms of logic and reasoning to the reader.

Now, one of my main concerns with this essay is that you are using English vocabulary which is not applicable to the situations you are describing (shifted = moved). I am not sure what you mean by "pushed to the wall forever". Why would you gloat about your achievement to people who were already applauding you? That is not nice to do. You are misusing the reference words and sentence development structures for this essay. I am afraid you need professional help for the editing part of this work, after you add the backstory that describes the importance of this achievement in relation to the given prompt.

The subject matter is on track. It is the presentation that is faulty so that is what you have to focus on improving with your next essay draft. Explain why you were so behind language wise, describe the reasons why you felt you needed to learn the language and learn it fast, why did you believe that this difficulty was something you would overcome in terms of despair and defeat, and then explain how you felt when you overcame what seemed like an insurmountable obstacle. You must accomplish these explanations in your revision to give the essay a clearer direction, proper reference points for the reader, and a solid conclusion when considering the prompt requirements.