Well the Prompt starts out with a quote about how a view changes depending on how you look at it by comparing it to a mountain and cubism.
basic prompt:Describe a moment your perspective changed.
My essay:
300 words Max
its a lot more than that :(...
so please correct things by trimming and vocab changing and grammar,etc.
I walked into school on the first day of freshman year, seemingly prepared for the year ahead. However, the nine years of schooling with my 25 student class could not compare with the diversity roaming through the halls. In grade school, people fell into 3 different categories: friends, bullies, and people who I just occasionally bumped heads with. Until now, I did not know the true meaning of a nerd, jock, or gossiper. As I walked through the halls, I noticed the many kinds of people which were not present in my life before. The world suddenly turned into an immense place where people could no longer be entirely described by one word. I walked into my homeroom, and it was a very fascinating sight. Guys tried to see who could slap each other's hands the hardest, girls were combing each other's hair, and the teacher was having an intriguing conversation with someone on his cell phone. After a few minutes of looking around at the interesting room, I started to wonder what everyone was waiting for. Suddenly, the large television set turned on and the word "School TV" appeared on the screen. Two students on the screen dressed as TV anchors started greeting us and gave important advice on the upcoming school year. This extremely impressed me because the old way of getting news around the building was either by loud speaker or walking to other classrooms. After I received my schedule, made countless attempts to open my locker, and figured out block scheduling, the final bell rang. Even though I was the first one out of the room, I was soon lost in an ocean of blue uniforms. I was barely able to navigate the flooded halls and the maze of buses outside. Looking out the window at the passing houses and cars, I contemplated about the extreme difference in my view of people from the day before. The startling dissimilarity showed me that each human is distinct and cannot be truly judged. With this perspective, I embraced myself for the next day, when the sophomores, juniors, and seniors would start school.
You talk very little about your change in perspective. Try cut out the detail about first day of school and go directly to the scene where you find the first perspective. Cutting out the detail might change the meaning of your essay, but don't cut out all of it, but only those that don't contribute to the meaning of the essay like this
However, the nine years of schooling with my 25 student class could not compare with the diversity roaming through the halls
Cutout "However, the nine years of schooling with my 25 student could not compare" and start your sentence like this "I was surprised by the diversity roaming through the halls."
That's more concise and simple. Don't try to be grandiose if you don't have to.
You also need to elaborate more about the change in perspective that you had because I didn't follow it that well.Elaborate and expand on it.
If you follow these advice, your essay can be strong.
Good luck with it Brown!
Can you give my Cornell Human Ecology Essay a read?
