Hello (: Would someone be able to edit this essay? It was a bit difficult because I took a different approach. I'm not that strong in writing, so I would greatly appreciate any feedback. Thanks
Prompt: Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution, or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it reflect who you are?
As the spotlights shone on the hosts, my heart raced, and my mind tried to stay calm as I hid behind the elegant red curtain. I paced back and forth frantically trying to remember my words and chords. Anticipation grew as my nerves began to skyrocket, and as the host announced my name my heart stopped. It was my turn.
Stage fright has haunted me since fifth grade. Looking at the audience's eyes watching me always terrified me, and held me back from performing in front of people. I realize now that I was afraid of their thoughts because I couldn't be the best. I feared judgments from others, and lacked the self-confidence to believe in myself.
Over the years I slowly developed passions, one of such resided in the medium of music. I learned how to play the ukulele and fell in love with it, and as more time passed and I felt confident to sing. The passion I held for playing and singing eventually spawned the thoughts of performing. I then volunteered to perform for a big talent show, but than became discouraged because I felt intimidated by other performers.
As the show began I felt the nerves building up. With each passing performance I felt a weight pull me down, and when it was my turn I took a deep breath and stepped on stage. I was incredibly scared, but at the same time happy. Even though I knew I was an inexperienced singer, I still sang my heart out on stage and did my best.
It wasn't until after that performance that I realized that music isn't about being a great singer. And upon understanding that I discovered a more important lesson. Being faced with my fear gave me confidence, a self-confidence that lives on with me to this day. I realized that in order to do anything in life, I need to first believe in myself. The lessons I gained from that performance were much greater than just singing. It was an experience that helped define a piece of who I am. An experience that taught me to follow what I believe, and not let others judgments tear me down. This performance truly made me proud because I was able to overcome my fear of judgments, but more importantly myself; I was the only person truly holding myself back. I can see now that life is about doing what you love, but to do so you need to first believe in yourself
I think your essay is great and I love the approach you took. You have some grammatical errors so make sure a teacher reads this. You overused commas a bit and tend to combine too much in one sentence with commas, and's, and but's. Small mistakes and easy fixes. In terms of the prompt I think you can keep most of what you have and just add in stuff. You really need to focus more on how it reflects who you are throughout the entire essay. Make sure it constantly shows how it affected you and shows who you are. Also you need a bit more on why you are proud of this. You had about 1 sentence and that was all.
Otherwise your essay is great. Good Job!
