please provide any comments/suggestions you may have for my common app short-answer reply (150 words or less)
Thanks so much!!
Three 8th graders. One mission. That's how it started.
Four years later, Book Bridge has now burgeoned into a non-profit organization that donates money and books to schools in rural China, co-functioning with the YMCA of Berwyn, PA. It's significant to me for one simple reason: I want to improve the learning environment of my Asian peers. As a co-founder and former president of the organization, I've learned to be self-motivated and appreciative of things often taken for granted, like books. Besides organizing fundraising concerts, Chinese New Year festivals, and book drives, I also manage our website: book bridge club. I've helped raise a total of over $6,000, $2,330 of which was recently sent to the JinTang Elementary School in Chengdu, China. I plan to visit the school this summer, hoping to see for myself the children whose stories have so moved me to make a positive difference for my Asian heritage.
hi =)
i believe that your text is good but have some errors. let me see if i can help you with some tips.
Three 8th graders. One mission. That's how it started.
Four years later, Book Bridge has now burgeoned into a non-profit organization that donates money and books to schools in rural China, co-functioning with YMCA of Berwyn, PA. It's significant to me for a simple reason: I want to improve the learning environment of my Asian peers.
This is good writing, efficient and rhythmic. I guess I can see a place near the end to improve it a little:
I've helped raise a total of over $6,000, $2,330 of which was recently sent to the JinTang Elementary School in Chengdu, China. I plan to visit the school this summer, hoping to see for myself the children whose stories have so moved me to make a positive difference for my Asian heritage. I like everything in the essay except for the awkward ending! :-)
That last sentence should be about the children and why you want to see them. I think "Asian Heritage" does not need to be in the essay, because giving does not need to be about culture; it can just be about giving.
Well...Firstly as a Chinese I really appreaciate your help to the education in rural China.
I remember my counsellor advided me not to write"firstly""secondly" coz universities don't like listed things. I'm 100% sure about this but this is just my suggestion to you...
