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Self- Reflection Personal Statement For UC admissions


Henr247 1 / 3 4  
Aug 25, 2015   #1
UC Admissions Personal Statements: (Required word count - 1000 words maximum)

Hi guys, I am relatively new to this website so please forgive me if the format is wrong. I have been working on my personal statement throughout the entire summer and I just finished noting all of my ideas down. However, I have trouble condensing both of my essays to meet the 1000 word requirement for UC personal statements. If any of you guys can offer any feedback on condensing my essay or how to improve my essay, then it would be greatly appreciated.

Thank You.

Prompt # 1: Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

Many people regard their childhood to be the most important years of their life. It is common for people refer to their childhood years to be the best year of the life; however, to me it was a mixed bag. Although there were some memorable moments in my childhood, a majority of the moments were overshadowed by my shyness and social anxiety.

I have dealt with the issue of social anxiety for almost a huge portion of my life. This fear I had with myself sucked the joy out of my life as I could never really fit into a crowd. I had always felt that I was the odd man of a group even with my closest friends.

In an attempt integrate me into social circles with my peers, my parents decided to buy me a video game console so I would have something in common with my peers. At the beginning, playing video games was great as I bonded with friends over it. However, over several years, my fascination with video games had turned into an addiction that almost took over my life.

I carried this emotional weight of social anxiety throughout my adolescence but always tried to ignore it by holding my social anxiety up in a bottle and trying to throw it under the rug. Videos games, at that time, were a place where I could vent and remedy my own problems. I was disillusioned by the reality that video games brought into my world and was sucked into it.

However, once my grades started to decline steeply, my parents had stripped me of my video game privileges for the remainder of my high school life. At that point, I was a broken man. Video games were the only motivations for me to do well in. But once my video games were taken away from me, I lost all motivation all of a sudden and struggled in school, dealing with the emotional baggage for several months after the incident.

After realizing from my mistakes, I felt deep regret for what I had done. All that time, I was studying for exams for the privilege of indulging in video games instead of embracing education in which other people strived for in another country.

All of these negative feelings resulted in anger. I was angry at the fact that I could not be the man my parents wanted to be and was angry at myself for all of the mistakes that I had committed.

I tried to turn to my parents and friends for help but felt too ashamed to admit my mistakes.
During the lowest point of my teenage life, I managed to find a new which was martial arts. After searching for several schools, I had finally joined a Tae Kwon Do dojang which turned my life around.

Martial arts had saved my life in a sense that it gave me purpose to continue on a path of academics. Instead of wandering around in the cloud of my own problems, martial arts helped me break through those obstacles and opened eyes to a world I never thought was possible which was being able to socialize with people without fear.

Before my martial arts journey, I often wondered of what purpose I had in life and felt as if I were just a living soul, wandering in the world of the living with no real goals or ambitions. I had quit many of the classes that I had no passion for, in which my parents enrolled into, which only worsened the feeling of not being someone who had achieved something in life. But training under my master's guidance, I realized that main goal aside from doing well in school was the get a black belt.

After persevering through my master's intense regime, I had finally obtained my black belt by my junior year of high school. To many people, getting a black belt indicates a symbol of mastery and prowess. However, to me, it signified the long journey I had to endure to achieve a goal that was worthwhile.

My training in Tae Kwon Do has motivated me to stay true to myself and tackle all of my academic obstacles with a new found sense of confidence. Instead of letting my failures of my get the better of me, I decided to defy against my own fears and other peoples belief that I would not live up to their expectations.

Reflecting back on my marital arts journey, the only regret that I have about training in martial arts is not being able to join sooner. Although my time for training in martial arts is limited due to the fact that I will be starting my last year of high school, I am still determined to make the best of all of the opportunities I have to train and try to keep an open mind to what Tae Kwon Do has in store for me.
lcturn87 - / 435 236  
Aug 25, 2015   #2
There are some words that can be deleted in your essays. This will help to reduce your sentences.

Ex: however, to me it was a mixed bag. "However, although there were some memorable moments in my childhood, a majority of those moments were overshadowed by my shyness and social anxiety."

2nd paragraph: The first sentence could begin with: "For example, I have battled XXXXXXX for many years..." (The XXXX stands for your condition, but as you can see, there are fewer words in the description).

You can combine these sentences: This fear I had within myself, The fear I experienced sucked diminished the joy out of in my life, because I could never really fit into a crowd. I had always felt that I was the odd man of a group even with and felt self-conscious around my closest friends.

This revision is close to the end of your discussion about video games. I first deleted the sentences and made the revision below: I was angry at the fact that I could not be the man my parents wanted to be and was angry at myself for all of the mistakes that I had committed. I tried to turn to my parents and friends for help but felt too ashamed to admit my mistakes.

Here is a suggestion to combine these sentences: "I was angry over my mistakes and the disappointment I caused my parents, but I felt too ashamed to admit my mistakes."

I would like to continue with grammar errors, but I want to focus on reducing the words in your essay. I think your description of martial arts is too much. I will try to help you condense it. My suggestion is to delete these sentences:

I had quit many of the classes that I had no passion for, in which my parents enrolled into, which only worsened the feeling of not being someone who had achieved something in life.

Reflecting back on my marital arts journey, the only regret that I have about training in martial arts is not being able to join sooner. This sentence needs to be deleted because you journey is not over, because you discuss that your training is limited.

This is only some help. I think there are still some grammar issues, but you are very good at telling your story. This made it difficult to condense your story. It was very difficult to choose which sentence should be deleted. My advice would be to think about what really matters. Is it the video games or martial arts? The subject you feel will help your personal statement will have greater detail and you will feel confident discussing it, but the other subject will have less details.
justivy03 - / 2,366 607  
Aug 26, 2015   #3
@Henr, let me try to help you out as well;

- It is common for people to consider thisrefer to their childhood years to be the best year of the life;
-...a majority of the momentsmine were overshadowed..
- I have dealt with the issue of social anxiety for almost a huge portionpart of my life.
- In an attempt integrate memyself into social circles with my peers ,
- AtIn the beginning,
- Videos games, at that time,( stating time frame is not necessary in this sentence as it is obvious) were
- I was disillusioned by the reality that video games brought into my world and was sucked into it.lost control of my life and my connections to reality.

- However, onceWhen my grades started to decline steeply,
- my parents had stripped me ofoff
- VideoThe (try not to use the same words all over again) games were the only motivations for me to do well inI have . - But once my video games were taken away from me, I lost all motivation all of a sudden and struggled in school, dealing with the emotional baggage for several months after the incident.This sentence is like a summary of the last 5 sentences you have, I deem them necessary for the essay)

- After realizing from my mistakes,
- ...people strived for in another country .
- ...my parents wanted me to be and was angry...

As much as you can be conscious with your word count, you have to learn writing freely and incorporate your ideas before starting to write, this is what you do when you draft, proof reading and with our help here on EF you will get the best out of your essay. The remarks I made above should help a little bit.
OP Henr247 1 / 3 4  
Aug 29, 2015   #4
Thanks for the responses you guys. I really appreciate how much effort you two put into reading other people's essays. It is not something a lot of people would be passionate about, but there is always something for everyone. It just so happens that people like you devote time into helping students as much as possible.

Best Regards


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