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Self-sustainability; BC Sup


hellom 3 / 2  
Dec 29, 2012   #1
Could someone be so kind to give me feedback on this essay?

Change to Argentina



Social justice, religion and ethical practices all emphasize on the need for emulating hero's and legends that lived before us. Even through their focus might be diverse and focused on other aspects of life such as fighting for freedom or human rights; am focused on being charitable, empathetic and compassionate about others. Just like St. Augustine who is also my role model, I want to bring change to ARGENTINA. I want to do what is on my hands and more for the cause that I believe in by educating underprivilaged children.

Personally, I have a liking for progress and self-sustainability which becomes my motivation as I embrace the education challenges in Argentina. For a long time, most Argentinians have suffered marginalization and denied the right to a decent education. Most of this problems can be attributed to negative ethnicity, racism, alcoholism, violence, unemployment and drug use and trafficking. This situation has led to a lot of suffering among Argentinians.

My access to education created in me a burning desire to serve humanity through realizing that the community of Zapallal,in the ouskirts of Buenos Aires, needed values education and a business that could provide them with income. Due to the collection of funds, It has not only improved the income of the locals but also it has uplifted the hopes of the dissilutioned people by promising a brighter future. The local inhabitants have also learnt how to express themselves artistically while learning hand building techniques.

There is yet another poverty stricken community of Puente Piedra where I have confronted their lack of education by founding a service project "Mundo Nuevo" the being to offer the children an opportunity to learn diverse topics from a dynamic point of view through the use of performing arts. These projects have seen me travel to Peru with the sole purpose of internationalizing it in the years to come and above all, they have made me realize that small actions make a big difference to humanity. For that cause, I plan on continuing with the education project in order to benefit Argentinians.
moon05 13 / 133 20  
Dec 30, 2012   #2
If you could post the prompt with the essay then it would be really easy to give feedback!

ARGENTINA

I think you could write it as Argentina . By the way you can keep it as it is too!

Personally, I have a liking for progress and self-sustainability

My access to education created in me a burning desire to serve humanity

You can rephrase it likecreated a burning desire in me

needed values education and

I think you meant valued education

Due to the collection of funds, i t has not only improved the income of the locals but also it has uplifted the hopes of the dissilutioned people by promising a brighter future

Who collected funds? Was it you or anyone else? If it's you then you gotta give some description of the project.

service project "Mundo Nuevo" the being

It just doesn't make any sense. If you are referring to the project then just don't use these words.

Reply the new one with the prompt then I will be able to help you more!


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