A study abroad program, Semester at Sea, requires a 300-500 word essay to apply. The prompt is as follows:
"What are your academic goals, and how will Semester at Sea help you to you achieve them? Include at least two examples."
Here is what I have so far:
The Semester at Sea program has been a dream of mine since I found out about it as a junior in high school. I remember scrolling through Instagram and seeing that one of my older friends had posted a picture of herself along with 600 of her closest friends on the back of a ship. I asked myself what was this amazing experience was that I was missing out on. I then, of course, had to search through the tags to find the name of the program to find out how I could be apart of it. Upon finding that and many other amazing travel pictures, I was in love. As a naive 16 year old, I thought about how amazing it would be to go on a 4 month cruise around the world and travel to so many amazing places I wouldn't have the opportunity to go to any other way. 3 years and many arguments with my parents later, I have realized how much more there is to this amazing experience than just a fun cruise.
One of the first questions my parents asked me when I told them how much I would love to have the opportunity to experience this program was how it was going to aid in my future goals. As a biology major on the pre-med track, it seems to many that this semester would just be a "throw away" and not benefit me in any way. Although I am not planning on going into global business or anything that would seem to be directly beneficial to my future academic and career plans, I definitely am able to see the benefits to such an amazing program. First and foremost, the knowledge I would gain about so many different cultures alone makes the program worth it. As a hopeful future doctor, this knowledge would help me to better understand my patients and treat them with proper respect. It would also set me apart on applications for med schools and future employers as someone who is very knowledgeable on world issues and is very well traveled. I strongly believe in the benefits of travel and all of the knowledge it provides. My personal academic goals are to learn as much as I can in my four years of undergraduate education. This program would undoubtedly aid me in that by offering so many different destinations and things to learn about in each new place.
I am at about 400 words right now and am terrible at ending things so any help you may have would be greatly appreciated. I know that it is probably a little rough but it is only my first draft so I am honestly looking for any advice or critiques you may have, no matter how harsh. Thanks!
some minor mistakes:
I definitely am=> i am definitely
to see the benefits to such an amazing => to see the benefits of such an amazing
your essay is really good, it's quite convincing.
well, i just know how to edit some mistakes but my writing skill is not good enough to help you with the conclusion, sorry
I think the program how to affect you to achieve your goal not describe clearly, you need to think it with a global perspective, and the detail of how to stimulate you to achieve success.
Apart from that,you also need to provide more concrete examples to make your arguments more convincing.
Hi Courtney and welcome to Essay Forum! Okay, first of all, this program looks amazing! Seriously, can I come with you? Seriously though, I can tell this is a very rough draft. I think you have a lot of work to do, but you definitely have the potential for an amazing essay.
I think that your first paragraph is a little bit awkward and also unnecessary for a few reasons. It doesn't start your essay off on a strong note; instead, it paints a picture of you as someone who loves social media and travel photos. That's not really the image you want to portray to the admissions committee, even if that's true. It's just not strong enough to paint you as a successful candidate. It's also completely unnecessary because it doesn't help you in any way. It doesn't answer the prompt at all, so you're just really taking up space. You could be using those 178 words to actually answer what you're asked and talk about your academic goals. You can of course, explain a little bit about how interested you are in the program, but I'd keep that to a minimum of 2 sentences. I mean, you're obviously interested or you wouldn't be applying, right?
I also think your essay is a little bit too informal and not academic enough. Mentioning social media, and discussing how this program will look on your resume just aren't formal enough or even strong enough for your essay. I think you should talk more about why it's important to be well traveled and learn about other cultures. How will this help you succeed as a bio major, med student, and eventually, a doctor?
In my opinion, you should start your essay with the second sentence of your second paragraph, although I think saying some people might think of the program as a throwaway for you isn't a good idea, even if you're just saying what others think and not yourself. You don't want to accidentally have it in the acceptance committee's mind that it could be a throwaway. You definitely need to restructure your essay and think about how to make it more academic and formal. Your language is also quite informal as well and should be tightened up. Here;s an example:
As a biology major on the pre-med track, I definitely am able to see the benefits of attending a semester at sea. While it may not seem like a conventional choice, I believe that gaining a multicultural competency is important for everyone, regardless of their studies or future career.
Do you see how much more powerful, formal, and academic that is as an opener? Compare it to your first two sentences and see what the difference is. Also, if you start with this, you have much more room now to actually make your points instead of being stressed to fit everything in in the 100 words you have left.
Well, that's all I have for you. Feel free to post updated versions of your essay in a new message in this same thread, and we can come back to it for another round of editing.
Take care and good luck.
Hi Courtney, first of all, WELCOME to the Essay Forum Team, I hope just like the Semester at Sea program, you will also fall in love with the team of EF. We aim to provide you with the most accurate feedback we can give in order for you to come up with an even stronger essay that will eventually boost your confidence in submitting your essay.
Now, as much as I like reading your essay, I strongly suggest that you take the negative notes on the second paragraph that says, "throw away", this may be a valuable note for you and you would like to have a balance information to showcase, however, having this note in this admission letter may not be helpful in your application to the program.
Having said this, don't get me wrong, it is equally important for you to be truthful to what people may say about your endeavors, however, you have to know when is the time to have all this input added to your essay. Now as this is an application essay for a very critical program that you want to be part of, it is better to be on the safe side and focus on writing about your academic aspirations and the ultimate take out upon completing this program.
Furthermore, below are my suggestions;
- My personalAmong my academic goals
- are to learn as much as I canvaluable lessons in my four years of undergraduate education.
- This program wouldwill undoubtedly aid me
- in that by offering so many different destinations and things to learn about in each new placemy pursuit for greater knowledge and be able to get to know the places that I can only read in the books .
There you have it Courtney, I hope the above remarks are useful to your revision.
Hi again Courtney! Your essay is definitely on the way! I still think your essay can be tightened up further.
For example, "the knowledge of so many different cultures" can become "multicultural awareness"
what is going on in the world around me can be "problems in global communities" or even more simply, "global consciousness" I know it sounds kind of pretentious, but those are simpler, easier ways to say what you mean in a concise way. Think about ways to tighten up your writing in this essay even more.
You talk a lot about gaining knowledge in your first paragraph, but I'm not sure what knowledge you mean. I think you should be more specific if possible.
I would also explain Ubuntu a little bit more. For example: philosophy of Ubuntu is very important to me. Ubuntu's basic philosophy is "I am what I am because of what we all are."
Further to this, I would go into more detail about why it' "very important" to you, personally.
That's all I have for you now. Keep working and come back if you have another edited draft. Take care.
