Senator Mark Kirk - Why do you want to join a Service Academy? (Nomination)

Here's the prompt, short and simple. Why do you want to join a Service Academy?

I'm currently in the process of applying for a nomination from my respective Senator and I need to write a 500 word or less essay explaining why I wish to join a Service Academy. This is what I have:

Compassion / Sacrifice / Endurance - Joining Service Academy

William Faulkner once said, "I believe that man will not merely endure; he will prevail. He is immortal, not because he alone among creatures has an inexhaustible voice, but because he has a soul, a spirit capable of compassion and sacrifice and endurance." Compassion. Sacrifice. Endurance. These three virtues are important to me, and are reasons I want to attend a Service Academy and become a Naval Officer. I aspire to go to a Service Academy because of my desire to help those in need, the opportunity to serve my country, and the diverse challenges it offers, physically and mentally. My aspiration to become a Naval Officer manifested itself due to a series of shaping experiences.

Compassion. One summer my friend Jesse and I decided to take a walk to the local Best Buy. We had barely left when we noticed an elderly woman seated on the ground and her husband trying to help her up. Jesse walked passed them, as if they were not there, but I saw the look of helplessness on both the man and the lady's faces and I knew I had to help. I stopped and learned the lady had been tired from her walk back from the train station, took a seat to rest, and could not get up. By this time Jesse walked back and together we helped the lady up, but she could not support her own weight. We took turns carrying the grateful woman back to the couple's home and sat her in a chair. Afterwards, I continued helping others through involvement in community service. It is the look upon people's faces of pure happiness that has kept me hooked for so long. As an officer in the Navy, I would have the ability to influence a multitude of people.

Sacrifice. My father was the origin of my interest toward the Naval Academy. He never cared if I learned the strategies employed by John Boyd; rather he wanted me to genuinely understand what it meant to serve our country proudly and to truly experience life. He succeeded, instilling in me all my life the values he learned as a part of the Navy.

Endurance. It goes without saying that being in a Service Academy requires one to be in great shape. Growing up, I was always playing sports, whether it was football, lacrosse, soccer, or hockey, so I know what goes into getting in shape. However, no matter how rigorous the training was, it was not enough; after sprints for football I'd run more. I wanted to be in the best physical shape I could be and I know that the Naval Academy will challenge me beyond what those sports have. Knowing that there are things like the Sea Trails to test me makes me eager for what could lie ahead of me with a life in the Naval Academy.

The culmination of these traits and my respective experiences with them are why I want to attend the Naval Academy.

It's 499 words. What I'm most concerned about is if my life experiences relate to why I want to join. Thank you for any and all help!

Good essay so far. I like how you gave a quote in the beginning - its a great hook! Maybe you can add on by talking more about those traits: compassion, sacrifice, and endurance. Also try to provide specific examples in your life that shows that you have those traits.

This way of introducing a quote is a cliche... it can't 'set you apart', as people like to say these essays are supposed to do, because it is overused. The goal is to be original. Example: I do not often see kids use quotes in the middle of one of the body paragraphs of an essay like this. That would be cool, because you'd be using it to help explain the main idea of the paragraph and it would be interesting and meaningful.

But at the start of the essay it seems abrupt, and it makes it so that the reader is focused on something Faulkner said instead of something you said.

alone among creatures has an --- A word is missing here.


This is the concern on my mind as well. You seem to have three separate stories, one to go with each word. You really have succeeded at using one theme to thread together the various ideas in the essay, because the whole essay is structured around the quote by Faulkner. But this case is a little different, because the quote refers to three somewhat arbitrary things.

Another problem is that if you're going to use the quote to give structure to your essay you should referred to the main idea of the quote - the meaning that you can extract from it. I personally don't know what Faulkner means when he says human kind will prevail due to having an inexhaustible voice, or being alone, or being characterized by the ability to sacrifice and have endurance and so forth.

I get the sense that you find comfort and motivation in the idea of living well, as a virtuous person who works hard for the benefit of others. That is awesome. If you can explain what drives you, personally, and use the quote to help explain your message - rather than designing your message around the quote - this essay might be improved. It is already impressive, and you write very well.

I agree with everything EF Kevin said. I would also like to add some thoughts on the matter. I believe that the focal point of your essay should be the life shaping experience dealing with your father that led to your interest in the naval academy. Perhaps talk about your father's patriotism and how that transferred to you. Working up towards an interest in the naval forces and your realization that the best way you can serve your country as a way of giving back is to serve in the navy. The reason being that you can serve your country and work towards pursuing your other naval related interests as well. William Faulkner is totally misplaced in the essay and the quote you used to open the essay is what is preventing a more personal and in - depth discussion of the reasons why you want to join the naval academy. Try to rewrite the essay without the Faulkner quote and see if it works / flows much better that way :-)

I think you should focus on the main point that cause you to become interested in the naval academy instead of building your essay on the quote.

Hi. Alas, English is not my first language, so I will try to comment from the position of logic.
Yazoo is right about examples, try to tell about some events in your life that will show admission officer truthfulness of your statements. Moreover, to become naval officer means to acquire power over lives of other people. Try to prove that you have willpower to cope with it. In its current condition your essay is too blunt. It can be OK, but, IMHO it would be helpful if you could add something like that:"I want to become Naval officer not just to stop people who threaten my country. I want to be able to prevent people from killing themselves in meaningless wars, bring peace and help".

I hope it was helpful. Sorry, I do not truly understand soldiers.

P.S.Thanks for your help with my MIT essay about running. I posted prompt in the thread. Could you help me with editing?

You presented your 3 character traits as part of your justification for your interest in joining the Naval Service Academy. You should discuss each trait individually in terms of how it can help you rise in the ranks of officers and most importantly, how these traits will help you as a career officer in the service of the public. Let us not forget that becoming a member of the navy is more than just about becoming an officer. What is your end goal? Aside from becoming an officer. Will attending the academy help you further develop as an individual? How can it do that? If you have any ideas about how attending the academy will allow you to further assist in the development of the 21st century naval force, you should mention that as well. These are just some interesting points for discussion that can further enhance the content of your essay. Remember, you are selling yourself as a potential naval officer. So sell yourself hard and make sure the essay embodies the very traits that will make you an exemplary naval officer in the future. Good luck with your application :-)