I'd like some tips or help on my essay. :) I wasn't completely clear on what to write about, so I described why I wanted to transfer while telling the readers about my personality and interests (I hoped that it might answer the prompt, but I don't know).Thanks to any replies.
Prompt: The statement of purpose will provide an opportunity to explain any extenuating circumstances that you feel could add value to your application. You may also want to explain unique aspects of your academic background or valued experiences you may have had that relate to your academic discipline. The statement of purpose is not meant to be a listing of accomplishments in high school or a record of your participation in school-related activities. Rather, this is your opportunity to address the admissions committee directly and to let us know more about you as an individual, in a manner that your transcripts and other application information cannot convey.
There's always been something mystical about "healing" a person. The phrase almost makes you feel like you're being warped back into a mythological age of magic. Nursing has been a dream profession of mine because of one typical reason: saving lives. Of course, there's other reasons like the chance to connect to patients or applying my love of science to my work, but helping a human live tops any list.
I took a wrong turn when I left high school. To my left, the road's sunlight was vivid and the beautiful blue birds reminded me of an old 1920's ballad. I look apprehensively to my right where the light somehow dimmed and the trees weren't decorated with their usual allure of green leaves and amiable animals. For whatever reason, I went right, probably because that furry rodent looked kind of friendly. In reality, I went to one university and didn't go to the other because I missed the deadline. I thought I'd like students and the environment in the university I chose, but there wasn't nearly as much excitement and studious behaviors as I wanted. I was surrounded by peers that wanted average, but I yearned for much more than what was on ground level - I wanted to go higher where I could go past the limits. I know at the University of Texas at Austin I'd be challenged by my peers, something I value that I haven't found yet.
The past year has taught many things in terms of invoking interest in abstract ideas. I love thinking and being a knowledgable speaker. It creates a worldly understanding that could answer questions like why and how do people behave in certain situations. Even scientific questions that ask, "How could gravity be so weak, yet so strong"? These thought-provoking questions led me to pursue being a nurse and also apply to a reputable and challenging university. I'm an incredibly hardworking and determined person when it comes to my dreams. I've studied my way into making a 4.0 GPA in my first semester and I'll continue to do so by any means and sacrifices. As cliche as it sounds, becoming a nurse means the world to me, so I would go through countless trials to show it.
There's a stage in a plant's growth called germination that I could identify myself with. Not yet a mature plant, nor a seed, but in the middle where I'm beginning to sprout. I'm realizing my ambitions as a nurse, but I need the right nurturing. A school like the University of Texas at Austin can offer me that, in exchange I'll offer my devotion to studying around the clock.
Pretty good writing, but your answer's kind of standard - there's nothing that really captured my attention.
Change your first sentence or even your first paragraph. By the time admissions reads your essay, they'll have read hundreds of essays that start very similarly.
This is a biggie - use an anecdote or something to show admissions that nursing means a lot to you - don't just say that it means a lot to you. Same with your thirst for knowledge. I think this will make your essay a lot more interesting and definitely a lot more personal.
I don't really like your analogy with the two paths - it's not really clear why the left pathway is so much brighter than the right pathway, and what was that furry animal for? You describe the forest to the right as being really shady and kind of sketchy, but then you go on to say that you thought you'd be happy at that university - it kind of undermines your point if you continue on with the analogy.
Don't say "I know this is cliche, but..." You know what's coming up is cliche, so change it. Elaborate on your desire to become a nurse.
And in the last sentence, change the comma to a semicolon.
I hope this helps. And sorry for being so blunt - I find that it's more helpful in the end.
Your blunt response is very helpful, so please don't hold back. Thank you!! I haven't changed the beginning yet but I'll get around to it. However, I did revise other areas.
There's always been something mystical about "healing" a person. The phrase almost makes you feel like you're being warped back into a mythological age of magic. Nursing has been a dream profession of mine because of one typical reason: saving lives. Of course, there's other reasons like the chance to connect to patients or applying my love of science to my work, but helping a human life tops any list.
There was a summer trip to Washington that completely flipped the angle of how I wanted my life to turn out. It was a fun experience, but moving, nonetheless. Professional doctors presentations made me pursue a career in nursing rather than in doctoring because the pressures of a doctor would be too much for me to cope. Lessons in the ethics between what patient lives or dies, in how to break terrible news to loved ones, in how to stay focused no matter what - it wasn't the rigorous work that'd eventually break me, but the emotion behind the science. I'd still have a hard time dealing with dying patients, but I'd learn to cope as an amazing nurse.
Furthermore, the past year has taught many things in terms of invoking interest in abstract ideas. Such as, I feel as though the majority of my currents peers don't appreciate the serenity of reading a good book, or the excitement of learning something new. In one experience, I was watching a presidential debate and my dorm mates seemed genuinely surprised by that type of interest. In another, friends were quizzing me of basic questions of the United States (my country) and didn't have a clue who Joe Biden was. That type of ignorance in my generation merely tells me that I need to remain constant in my love of knowledge and to not ignore what I love.
I love thinking and being a knowledgable speaker. It creates a worldly understanding that could answer questions like why and how do people behave in certain situations. Even scientific questions that ask, "How could gravity be so weak, yet so strong"? These thought-provoking questions led me to pursue being a nurse and also apply to a reputable and challenging university. I'm an incredibly hardworking and determined person when it comes to my dreams. I've studied my way into making a 4.0 GPA in my first semester and I'll continue to do so by any means and sacrifices. Becoming a nurse means the world to me, so I would go through countless trials to show it.
There's a stage in a plant's growth called germination that I could identify myself with. Not yet a mature plant, nor a seed, but in the middle where I'm beginning to sprout. I'm realizing my ambitions as a nurse, but I need the right nurturing. A school like the University of Texas at Austin can offer me that; in exchange, I'll offer my devotion to studying around the clock.
I'm bumping this thread for some feedback on the revised essay.
I'm bumping again. Feedback on my essay would be greatly appreciated.
There's always been something mystical about "healing" a person. The phrase almost makes you feel like you're being warped back into a mythological age of magic. Nursing has been a dream profession of mine because of one typical reason: saving lives. Of course, there's other reasons like the chance to connect to patients or applying my love of science to my work, but helping a human life tops any list.
There was a summer trip to Washington that completely flipped the angle of how I wanted my life to turn out. It was a fun experience, but moving, nonetheless. Professional doctors presentations made me pursue a career in nursing rather than in doctoring because the pressures of a doctor would be too much for me to cope. Lessons in the ethics between what patient lives or dies, in how to break terrible news to loved ones, in how to stay focused no matter what - it wasn't the rigorous work that'd eventually break me, but the emotion behind the science. I'd still have a hard time dealing with dying patients, but I'd learn to cope as an amazing nurse.
Furthermore, the past year has taught many things in terms of invoking interest in abstract ideas. Such as, I feel as though the majority of my currents peers don't appreciate the serenity of reading a good book, or the excitement of learning something new. In one experience, I was watching a presidential debate and my dorm mates seemed genuinely surprised by that type of interest. In another, friends were quizzing me of basic questions of the United States (my country) and didn't have a clue who Joe Biden was. That type of ignorance in my generation merely tells me that I need to remain constant in my love of knowledge and to not ignore what I love.
I love thinking and being a knowledgeable speaker. It creates a worldly understanding that could answer questions like why and how do people behave in certain situations. Even scientific questions that ask, "How could gravity be so weak, yet so strong"? These thought-provoking questions led me to pursue being a nurse and also apply to a reputable and challenging university. I'm an incredibly hardworking and determined person when it comes to my dreams. I've studied my way into making a 4.0 GPA in my first semester and I'll continue to do so by any means and sacrifices. Becoming a nurse means the world to me, so I would go through countless trials to show it.
Other than being an aspiring nurse, I could identify myself with being a tiny budding flower. Not yet a mature plant, nor a seed, but in the middle where I'm beginning to sprout. I'm realizing my ambitions as a nurse, but I need the right nurturing. A school like the University of Texas at Austin can offer me that; in exchange, I'll offer my devotion to studying around the clock.
Excellent essay. It flows, answers the prompt and reflects who you are. Job well done!
Please help with mine
Mine = 500 word essay Colorado @ Boulder
