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"A sense of who you are" - Columbia Application Essay


mazumderj 2 / 7  
Nov 11, 2009   #1
Write an essay which conveys to the reader a sense of who you are. Possible topics may include, but are not limited to, experiences which have shaped your life, the circumstances of your upbringing, your most meaningful intellectual achievement, the way you see the world-the people in it, events great and small, everyday life-or any personal theme which appeals to your imagination. Please remember that we are concerned not only with the substance of your prose but with your writing style as well. We prefer that you limit yourself to approximately 250-500 words (or 1-2 pages).

I felt more than a little trepidation as I got off the jam-packed train on my first day at elementary school. It was too abrupt a change for me - just the day before, I had been taken to and from a nearby kindergarten by a tiny bus. As I nervously clung on to my mother's hand for comfort, I had no inkling of what this change had in store for me.

Although my parents had their qualms about sending me to a faraway school, I was caught up in my own worries as well. Suddenly forced to travel across several cities on the train to study in a completely alien environment using a language I could speak but was not comfortable with, I had no idea what was what. Needless to say, I was confused and lonely beyond description during the first few weeks. Soon enough, though, I did manage to grow accustomed to my new school life and enjoy it to the fullest, thanks to caring teachers, friendly classmates and, surprisingly, the long commute that my parents initially feared would put a great strain on me.

The train ride to and from school provided me with many benefits. Due to its sheer length - one way would take well over an hour - I had quite a long period of time to spend on a variety of activities. Currently, I often use the time to catch up on sleep or finish off homework. Back then especially, I took the opportunity to read - constantly. It goes without saying that my English abilities improved by leaps and bounds thanks to the hours I spent on the train reading anything from fact books to fantasy novels.

However, the greatest gift that I received from my commute was the chance to make many new connections with people. Not only did I befriend fellow students taking the train, I also became acquainted with the kids traveling to public schools through my Japanese skills. What was more, I began to be greeted periodically by people - people I was positive I had never met before - who would always proudly mention how much I had grown as if they were my relatives. Only later did I learn from my mother that they were fellow commuters who had often seen me travel. Surrounded by many friends and the even the warm gazes of "strangers", the world around me - initially filled with uncertainty - did not seem so large and strange anymore.

People often compare life to a journey. However, most of my life has been a literal journey as well as a metaphorical one. In the twelve years that I have attended my school, the long hours that I spent in transit have left me with much that is to be valued. In addition to many happy and sad memories, they have endowed me with a great spirit of fortitude and perseverance as I rode each day through all weathers merely because I knew I had to. I am sure that this spirit will help me stay on track as I stop by the many stations the railroad of life has to offer me.

Does this meet the prompt, or should I opt for a different topic? Also, if you have any thoughts to share on the overall flow of the essay and the conclusion, please do! I'm getting the feeling that my conclusion is a bit shaky...
linmark 2 / 328 7  
Nov 11, 2009   #2
Wow - you commuted for 12 years to the same school? Not sure how many hours you spent at school, but let's say on average 7 hours per day, this means the commute is 22% of your school day!! Did you travel alone from Grade 1? As you grew up and became more independent, how did the commute change? Assuming your essay answers the topic prompt "the experiences which have shaped your life" I would have liked to learn more about these topics (in red) as they help me get to know you better (from your next to last sentence:)

In addition to many happy and sad memories (examples?) , they have endowed me with a great spirit of fortitude and perseverance (examples?) as I rode each day through all weathers (I THINK THIS SHOULD BE WEATHER CONDITIONS) merely because I knew I had to . (THIS LEAVES THE READER HANGING - GIVE A STRONGER REASON.) I am sure that this spirit will help me stay on track (WHAT DOES STAYING ON TRACK MEAN TO YOU? JUST PASSIVELY SITTING ON THE TRAIN AND WAITING UNTIL IT ARRIVES?) as I stop by the many stations the railroad of life (WHAT DOES STOPPING BY MANY STATIONS MEAN TO YOU?) has to offer me.

Your writing flows well and this was easy to read. Your topic has a lot of potential which can easily be further developed!!
christiek 6 / 65  
Nov 11, 2009   #3
Wow!
I got the chills reading this for some reason haha.

I definitely think that you should stick with this topic!
I agree with linmark that the topic has a of potential.

You use a lot of hyphens, but I don't know if that really matters...

Hmmm, about your conclusion. I personally like it a lot because you change the cliche saying into something personal and no-so-cliche.

GOOD LUCK ; ]
OP mazumderj 2 / 7  
Nov 13, 2009   #4
Thanks for the positive comments! It was a boost for my confidence.

linmark: so...do you think I should cut down on other parts of the essay to elaborate more on those points you highlighted, or just add to what I have already? The prompt says they'd prefer that the essay be kept to about 500 words or so, and mine's already a bit over as it is...

and btw, I started going on my own from around 3rd grade or so; my mom took me to school until then. Maybe I should replace some other part to develop that thought more? e.g. how I developed as the commute changed etc...
linmark 2 / 328 7  
Nov 13, 2009   #5
Writing about how you developed over time (i.e. reflected in specific aspects of the commute that evolved over 9 years) sounds good. The third paragraph "The train ride..." could be your opening.

It's straight to the point.


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