Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.
My experience at my audition for the Summer Residential Governor's School for Visual and Performing Arts has changed the reason why I continue to pursue challenges.
As I walk into the room, violin in one hand and music in the other, I exhale sharply, purging myself of any anxiety that still lingers inside me. As I see the two judges before me, I quickly disregard their presence, allowing silence's canvas to unfurl. As my bow gently settles upon the strings, I envision myself alone on the plains, isolated from any distractions. The bow pulls ever so slightly on the strings, initiating a pure sound; the gentle rocking motion of my fingers adds warmth to the sound. My fingers shoot back and forth across the fingerboard as they climb up toward the bridge, imitating a storm churning up the sea. As the weight of the bow increases on the strings, the notes gradually increase in intensity and passion. Then the double stops shoot up the fingerboard in fixed increments, fingers vibrating with controlled violence, rapidly building to the climax. The bow shoots off the strings and the sound resonates off the violin's face. The ensuing silence is interrupted when one of the judges says, "Thank you. That would be all." I sense the sweet air of satisfaction surrounding me.
The violin has been an integral part of my life, but I had never been able to enjoy a sense of satisfaction until I played in front of these judges. Throughout my journey in music and education, I have always been harsh on myself, as I have strived to be a "perfect" musician. When I improved in one area, I would always look for another area to improve. I have never been able to pull myself from the chaos and examine and enjoy what I have accomplished. I never let myself soak in my pride, afraid that I would become saturated in it. In turn I would let this fear become a burden on my journey to becoming the ideal musician. I was afraid that if I took a break, I believed I would lose motivation. I was only continuing this long arduous journey out of fear.
Although I did not have a "perfect" performance, the sense of contentment I enjoyed made me realize what I had accomplished so far and what I have been missing: the positive feeling of accomplishment. I began to have a greater appreciation for my musical talent. The realization has changed what motivates me on this path. Instead of continuing out of fear, now I continue this journey because I have discovered what I had achieved and am capable of.
I'm having trouble telling readers upfront about that my music performance has impacted me by changing the reasons why I continue to pursue challenges. This is to help readers not get lost in the details of my experience and foreshadow the impact story to come
Also, I am not sure if I should include a section about how this impact will help me succeed in college.
I greatly appreciate any help. Please don't hesitate to be critical about my essay.
I love the second paragraph! I don't think you need the first one there though. The imagery of the second paragraph would make a great intro that grabs the reader's attention right away.
Also, for some reason, I don't really love the fact that you moved away from the performance in the next paragraph. I think you need to connect the two a little closer to make the essay flow better. I just feel like the last two paragraphs are a bit too general as opposed to related to the experience you are describing.
Also at the end, where you say "had achieved" I think it might sound better as "have achieved".
Just a few suggestions.