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"I can have a sense of security" - JHU Supplement Help

srandhawa 10 / 157  
Dec 26, 2009   #1
Hey, i wrote my supplement for J-Hop, but im a little worried about three things: 1. Is it too long, where can i shorten it. 2. Is it too vague and abstract at the beginning, if you read my essay or would like to, is it too much like my essay and not add anything new. 3. Does it show a real passion with real unique reasons for wanting to go to Johns Hopkins.

Thanks alot any comments greatly appreciated.

There was something that wasn't right about the blue gashes on the kidney. It was the shape, the form, the vibrant color, the patch that formed and seemingly awkwardly. The red line in the middle was almost made to gnaw at my mind. It wasn't an artery, it wasn't a cut, according to my lab assistants, it was nothing of significance, and we would be cutting around it when investigating the organ which had been near the source of a cancer in a deceased patient, but nobody could convince me it wasn't how fate had designed it to be. It was bulging awkwardly, but it looked right at me, the center of my pupils was the target. I'll never forget that initial encounter. I didn't know what to think, I just stared.

There are numerous examples of these experiences, that have come across me in the lab, I offer you this one because of how vibrant it was and how seamlessly it struck a nerve. This is the beauty of lab work, be it through biology, chemistry or whatever field I choose to pursue. It's that stare, that haplessness that comes from why and how something is like it is that makes biology and chemistry so unique. Only in this field of work is it possible to just stare at something and cherish it for the unknown. It's that unknown, which I've worked so hard to realize, that I've begun to appreciate, that is so appealing. Even though I have stopped looking for relationships and sharply limited what I look for, what I see is just so profound. With lab work there is always an opportunity to sense and feel you through not being in control of the determining factors that make up the success of an experiment. It's this freedom to appreciate you and to uncover things without any pressure or direction that has allowed biology and chemistry to have such a profound impact on me. How can their be a career more appealing than one where you can just stare at something and appreciate it for its form? How can there be a career more appealing than one where you can allow answers to come to you, where having to seek for something particular often leads to far greater ideas?

Johns Hopkins University is in many ways the paragon of scientific excellence in the United States. What distinguishes Johns Hopkins from so many other elite scientific universities in the country? The dedication to research; it's simply unmatched. The incredible opportunities at even the undergraduate level allow for such a great understanding of science that plays a huge role in success after undergraduate school. This dedication towards life after graduate school is of paramount importance. So many elite schools in the country never give students the opportunity to understand or experience chemistry in bio engineering or pre-medicine. As a result, they are bewildered and at a loss of words to the emphasis that is placed on chemistry. Many look at this chemistry as the "dirty work" en route to more glamorous work. But at Johns Hopkins, the resources are there, from the ease with which it is to gain a research position (an absolutely huge positive), to the fact that there is a advisor assigned to every biology major, to prevent this from happening. There is no superficial view of bio engineering and medicine, the opportunity to understand its essence, both through lab work and through chemistry, are evident in Johns Hopkins.

For the first time in my life I can have a sense of security: I know that my future well beyond undergraduate school is in the hands of the school with the oldest biology department in the United States and a scientific culture developed unlike any other.
paranormale 4 / 32  
Dec 26, 2009   #2
I'm also doing an application for JHU. Yay!! Take a look if you want. :D

First things first, if you're looking to make it shorter than the easiest thing you can do is to completely cut out the second to last paragraph. The one about why you want to go to JHU. Because the essay topic doesn't ask for it. Just to state why you chose or didn't choose a major. That paragraph is just extra on your essay right now.

The first paragraph is very detailed and descriptive but in the end I still ended up reading it and having no idea what was going on. Were you dissecting something? Someone? Make that clearer and it'll be a grand opening paragraph.

As for your last question, I'd have to say yes.

Good luck!
z4evafoolz 7 / 31  
Dec 26, 2009   #3
I agree with Qin, the prompt does not ask the reasons for "why JHU?". The question is "why this major?"

Nail the question and hammer it :).

As for question 1: You can shorten it on the part where you answer "why JHU?". The essay length is fine as it stands i believe, JHU does not have any word limit so it shouldn't matter (just don't bore the readers).

As for question 2: Yes, it is very vague in the beginning. A few clarifying phrases would definitely help (and is needed).

As for question 3: Yes, it does show your passion for why you want to go to JHU, but unfortnuately, this is not what the question is asking. Describe and explain in detail what made you choose a certain major, and how it impacted you.

It is up to you whether to use or to ignore my feedbacks :)
kenzo_kun 2 / 6  
Dec 26, 2009   #4
Hooray for Johns Hopkins applications! I just posted mine too. If you'd like, would you mind checking it out? Anyway, here's what I think of your essay:

Overall it's pretty good. I don't think it needs to be shortened... Everything in there feels like it is beneficial to it. The first paragraph is a little confusing though... It's descriptive, but I can't really tell what's going on.

There are a couple of grammatical errors:

"but nobody could convince me it wasn't how fate had designed it to be" (Double negative)

"There are numerous examples of these experiences, that have come across me in the lab, I offer you this one because of how vibrant it was and how seamlessly it struck a nerve." (It's a run on, make that into two separate sentences.)

"How can their (there) be a career more appealing"

I really like those last two sentences! It kind of tugs at them to show how badly you want to go there.
OP srandhawa 10 / 157  
Dec 26, 2009   #5
thanks alot for the advice, i will try making para 1 less vague, what kind of clarifying sentences would be needed though, i know theyre needed, just what kind? Also, in the prompt at the end of line 1 it says that you would want to pursue here. It isn't a bland what do you want to pursue, its what do you want to pursue here. I feel like that makes some diff, there are different things someone might want to pursue at different places. I feel like mentioning why you want to pursue what you want at johns hopkins and j-hop specifically enhances the answer to the question. An answer w/o regard to j-hop and what if offers seems very vague, your just saying what you want to pursue, again, you might want to pursue diff things at diff places. For ex, you might apply to penns business school because it so good but j-hops arts and science school because it is so good as well even though penn has a great arts and sciences school as well. Know what i mean? Thanks alot, any other comments greatly appreciated, i will read yours christopher.
EF_Team [Moderator] 41 / 222 15  
Dec 26, 2009   #6
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