This is my CommonApp essay. I'm not sure about my use of certain words. If you find any word that seems out of place, please point it out to me. Also, please give me ideas on how to improve the essay overall. Thank you very much.
"Life isn't about what can or can't be done; it's about doing it or not doing it". This is what Sensei told me when I tried brainwashing him into believing that I am not ready for the upcoming karate tournament. I was never really the type to get galvanized by adages and proverbs but what he said and the way he said it made me venerate him.
Sensei was a person I used to execrate with passion. His training was brutal and excruciating. It was torture. We spent more time mastering the art of punishment than the art of fighting. I once had to jog non-stop for one hour, out in the blazing sun, for repeatedly calling him 'sir'. You're supposed to call them 'Sensei', Japanese for 'Master'. As I grew acclimatized to the training, I started understanding and appreciating what he did. I started noticing how he had great discipline in everything he did. How he solved problems easily and perspicaciously. How he remained serene and tranquil at all times. How he taught with great sagacity and proficiency and without any sort of discrimination. How he had great knowledge about everything he talked about. He was perfect in everything he did. He wasn't just trying to teach us martial arts. He was trying to teach us everything he knew.
I used to be a person with very, very little confidence. I backed away from any task that would exhibit me to multitudinous eyes. I was afraid of making mistakes. Whenever I had to stand and read things out to my class, my hands would shudder with such great amplitude, even people sitting three seats behind me would notice. I wanted to do everything on my own, as I believed that people would somehow find something about me that they could criticize. They always did. Secretly, I dreamt of becoming a great actor, but I would never participate in any school performances due to diffidence and fear. Apprehension and perturbation was a part of everyday life for me.
Coming from a low-income family, I felt like an outcast in school. International schools aren't exactly for lower class people but my parents were determined to give me a good education. Due to the fear of being discriminated against, I stayed away from the rich kids, which included pretty much the whole school. All this contributed greatly to lowering my already dangerously low confidence levels.
This rather broken personality of mine was completely revamped over the past couple of years. And it was all thanks to Sensei and karate. "You can do anything you set your mind to", he says intermittently. His intense training has given me a hard work ethic. I have learned teamwork, endurance, fortitude and perseverance. Sensei shares his words of wisdom and advice with the whole class, but it always felt like they were directed at me, because they suited my state of mind perfectly. So there I was, training hard every day, improving as a person.
Now I'm in twelfth grade, and have won three gold medals in a row as well as being chosen as the captain of the dojo. I'm an active member of the drama club and have already acted lead roles in two school dramas. I have started playing soccer, which I always loved but stayed away from, due to the fact that you had to play together with other people. I laugh at myself for thinking others were better than me because they had more money. Perseverance and determination is pretty much all you need to succeed. Looking back, I feel sorry for myself for having missed many opportunities due to a lacking personality. But now my personality has been completely altered. It's like I'm a new person, and I know I've made Sensei proud in many ways. I may use second-hand gloves and a three year old karate uniform torn at the knees, but I know my strikes will be just as powerful.
I actually really like this essay. Your writing is excellent, and you certainly reflect on yourself well.
But the problem is, it seems a bit cliched.
The story is basically that you were a shy person, someone said something to you, and then you became a confident person.
I think you have the basis for a really good essay here, but see if you can make it more unique.
I agree to a certain extent with what Doom said. However, I also believe your essay is a cliched worked well.
Sensei was a person I used to execrate with passion. His training was brutal and excruciating. It was torture. We spent more time mastering the art of punishment than the art of fighting. I once had to jog non-stop for one hour, out in the blazing sun, for repeatedly calling him 'sir'. You're supposed to call them 'Sensei
Let's rewrite this:
Sensei was a person I used to execrate with a passion. His training was more than merely brutal and excruciating. It was pure torture. We spent more time mastering the art of punishment than the art of fighting. I once had to jog non-stop for an hour, in the blazing sun, for repeatedly calling him 'sir'. You're supposed to call him 'Sensei
I wanted to do everything on my own, as I believed that people would somehow find something about me that they could criticize. They always did.
[huh? Make it more clear whether it was a paranoid delusion or a justified belief]
All in all, it's a decent essay. A cliche worked well, as somebody else already mentioned. Good luck!
(though adding a few unique details certainly would not hurt)
The sentence that includes brainwashing into believing could be improved by replacing it with This is what Sensei told me when I tried to convince him that I was not ready for the upcoming tournament. You are telling the story in the past tense, so am not ready can't come after tried.
You write well. However, you are getting in your own way. I've helped many students write common app essays, and simpler is almost always better.
Whatever school you are applying to, the admissions committee probably has a few thousand essays to review. Don't write one that requires them to break out a dictionary to look up execrate.
The admissions committee is not assessing your vocabulary. They are looking to see whether you can write and think clearly. Use the words that you are comfortable with.
Be who you are. Your story is a good one. Using simpler language will let the admissions folks focus on getting to know you and your story.
I backed away from any task that would exhibit me to multitudinous eyes.
How about: I was afraid to do anything that would put me in front of my classmates.
Whenever I had to stand and read things out to my class, my hands would shudder with such great amplitude, even people sitting three seats behind me would notice. Howzabout: Whenever I had to stand up and read in class, my hands shook so much that students in the back could see how scared I was.
Shudder is not used in the way that you did in the original. People's hands don't shudder. They shake. And no one shudders with amplitude.
Good luck, Daniel-san.
The Tampa English Tutor
