This essay is for my common application. Please give me harsh criticism; I am worried that I am not answering the question well enough. Thank you in advance!
The prompt is: Discuss an accomplishment or event, formal or informal, that marked your transition from childhood to adulthood within your culture, community, or family.
The area could only be described as desolate. Discarded trash littered the narrow, one-way streets and almost every other house appeared to be abandoned and boarded up. The buildings, both abandoned and not, were covered with spray-painted murals that attempted to bring some color and artistry to the otherwise gray and somber aura of the area. The hot summer air carried the scent of urine, car fumes, and cigarette smoke through the streets while the distant sounds of police sirens, car horns, and spoken profanities composed the ever-present soundtrack of the city.
It was the first day of the mission trip to Philadelphia. Our group of twenty was standing on the sidewalk next to our two pristine white vans, which were parked on a small side street. Having never previously been in a similar environment, we felt like aliens in the dirty city. However, despite the slight feeling of discomfort, the majority of the people in our group seemed excited to begin serving the people of Philadelphia.
I, on the other hand, could feel my heart beating faster and my hands sweating in apprehension as I thought about the challenges that I would be facing on the trip. Since I had never participated in a mission trip before, I did not really know what I had gotten myself into. The combination of being in a foreign environment, of not knowing what kinds of service projects to expect, and of not wanting to disappoint either my group members or the people that we were serving made me very nervous. For the first day or two of the trip, I found myself wondering why on earth I had decided to go on the trip and doubting whether or not I would be able to survive the week.
By the end of the trip, however, I was glad that I had decided to participate. That one short week spent volunteering in the city of Philadelphia was filled with numerous service projects ranging from serving meals in soup kitchens to packing up boxes of donated food to send to food pantries. Each different service project brought with it new responsibilities and required me to step out of my comfort zone in some way. Additionally, each new project brought me face to face with different people who were facing a diverse array of life challenges and opened my eyes to the challenges that many people face on a day-to-day basis.
Despite embarking on the mission trip as a timid and anxious child, I ended the trip as a more responsible adult with a better insight into the hardships that others face in the world.
The essay lack's in detail. Do a little research online and find common app essay's with different themes so you can have a general vibe of what college admission officers are looking for. I have an excellent guide and sample common app essay's. If you want to have a look at them email me. {mubasil1234@gmail,com}
"By the end of the trip, however, I was glad that I had decided to participate. That one short week spent volunteering in the city of Philadelphia was filled with numerous service projects ranging from serving meals in soup kitchens to packing up boxes of donated food to send to food pantries. Each different service project brought with it new responsibilities and required me to step out of my comfort zone in some way. Additionally, each new project brought me face to face with different people who were facing a diverse array of life challenges and opened my eyes to the challenges that many people face on a day-to-day basis."
You summarized the whole event in a few lines? Doesn't that look abrupt to you? Add details about the event and how it actually lead to your transitioning from a child to an adult.
Any help on my essay will also be appreciated.
Emmaline, your essay was not able to properly answer the prompt because you did not properly analyze the essay requirements. The fact that you went on a mission to help others in Philadelphia is an excellent basis for this transition essay. The problem is that you did not choose one particular moment during the mission to help illustrate the transition that happened within you. You need to revise the content, but not the theme of the essay in this case. Keep your setting in Philadelphia but recall the work that you did there before you start writing your second draft. Try to choose one of the many volunteer activities that touched you in a personal level and changed your point of view about something or the treatment of a person. Develop that particular event in the essay. Discuss any bias that you had, how you felt while helping that person or people, and finally, how you were changed by the act of kindness that you did. Explain how developing that new outlook was something that you did not expect to have because it is an outlook that a teenager does not usually have in life. The event needs to have impacted you on a deep emotional level and also allowed you to grow further as a person in terms of character or outlook in life. I wish you luck with your revision. I'll be happy to assist you whenever I can :-)
