Serving others ; Stanford / What matters to you?

This is a response to Stanford's prompt: "What matters to you, and why?"
Please let me know what you think! I am open to any suggestions and criticism! Please be honest!

While I was working at the food bank, a four year old boy came up to me and asked for a big apple. I looked at the bin full of apples and saw only small ones. I told him that there were no large apples. He was disappointed, and the glimmer of hope left the rims of his eyes as he walked away. I looked at the bin again and started digging through the apples, determined to find a large one. Finally, I found an apple that was the largest I'd ever seen. I handed it to the little boy. He smiled, and clutched it to his chest as if it was the most amazing thing he had ever seen. I will never forget the look on his face after he got that apple. After that day I realized how important serving others in need was to me. It is something that I truly love to do and brings meaning to my life.

There are times when I think about how my life would've been so much different if my mom hadn't chosen to leave the Philippines. Because of this decision, I've been given so many opportunities, and I feel so blessed to have been so fortunate. But now as I go on to a higher level of education, I'm excited to use the knowledge I attain to give back to the rest of the world. My motivation is truly marked by hope: the hope that I can make the difference and leave this world better off than when I walked into it. Along with this is the hope that I can touch the lives of millions of people, achieve a goal, and be a part of a larger process that changes this world. I thrive off of the knowledge that I can use what I've been given to have an effect. Life is a blessing, and time is limited, so I choose to live a life for others. I choose to spend my life trying to ameliorate the pain and suffering that goes on in this world, especially with world hunger. I will use what I learn about sociology and economic development to improve the economic situations of impoverished areas. I will accomplish this either by founding my own non profit organization or serving as a diplomat to an underprivileged region.

"He was disappointed" takes away from the imagery of the second statement with its passive voice.


I thought he walked away. You definitely need to fix this. Otherwise, it makes the whole story questionable.


"clutched it to his chest" is not an independent clause. Therefore, you should not have a comma there.


What does this have to do with the point you're trying to prove? It seems awkward and unrelated.


What goal? You need to be specific.


What process? How exactly do you wish to change the world?


This sentence is hard to follow.


This word does not fit in with your style throughout the essay.


This is a good idea, but the ending is too abrupt. You need to closing statement.

Overall very good! You have some nice ideas.

(Could you please edit one of my essays? Thanks!)