COMMON APPLICATION ESSAY : Option 1 .. Evaluate a significant experiance ...
Please give as critical as possible. Will return the favour soon! Thanks
"SET"
I had learnt my enter life in the blue classrooms surrounding the courtyard; I had grown up playing 'Langdi' near the dirty pond. I had the same friends since childhood, when used to run into the courtyard as soon as the recess bell rang. My teachers knew me; They praised my achievements and excused my shortcomings. In my mind, I was set!
So is that it? My instinct told me, "Noway! Something is missing. Life ain't about being "set"." The idea of making my OWN mark, and of paving my own road was alluring. As an Indian student, adventure ran in my veins; So I decided to move to a more credible institution after class 7.
"Change costs." My first term was X. Who wants to join an acne-clad mundane boy for lunch? At school, five people wished me on my thirteenth birthday. I regretted moving. However, the adrenaline never stopped. I read about how a socially awkward college drop-out changed the computer industry, about how a newspaper boy became the president. My parents and teachers remained my backbone. My "" evolved me.
Starting with a few answers in a class, I went on to launch the Math and Science club and eventually led the school's student body. The five people gre to fifty. I learned to face difficulties and overcome them. Ever since, I have thrived to make the most out of the opportunities I am presented, and even the ones I am not. As an engineering aspirant, I am on my way to beat the ten lac competitors and ace the competitive tests. Single digit state ranks are a start.
Today, my own achievements and failures, decisions and character matter much more to me than what I have been bestowed upon. I could never have dreamt of such an evolution in those blue classrooms.
I am still not "set"! Certainly college will pose as a fiercer challenge, but I will face it head-on and exceed expectations. Through my unrelenting passion and persistence, I will give the world a story to remember.
very moving essay, really nice!
Please be critical ~!
Thanks
Hi devanish!
Okay, I'd like to be critical as much as possible. I think you should show in your essay, not tell. Your essay is very moving, but I think you should add more details and make coherence through your essay. This means that you have to focus more on meaningful moments because you almost reach the word limit on Common App.
You passed the hardest part in writing essay, so your thesis is clear. All you have to do is just changing, adding, or deleting some parts of your essay. Take it easy, I'm sure you can do that. Thank you!
Please read my essay, especially extracurricular one if you can (;
Thanks Kotaro !
I will get back to you on your essay soon!
And which parts should I delete?
First, "As an Indian student, adventure ran in my veins; So I decided to move to a more credible institution after class 7." I think this part should be deleted because it sounds awkward. All Indian student have adventure in their veins? I don't think so. You might have wanted to identify you with an Indian student, but it doesn't function here. I recommend you to express your identity in other way if you would.
Second, "I read about how a socially awkward college drop-out changed the computer industry, about how a newspaper boy became the president." and "My parents and teachers remained my backbone. My "" evolved me." I'd like to question you about what's the relationship between them. I suggest you make the essay coherent, allowing readers to follow the essay easily. Deleting one part or adding conjunction is better, I think.
Ahh, I know deleting some parts of our precious essay is extremely difficult... You don't have to do that if you have no problem with that. I JUST express MY opinion (; Thank you,
