Can someone help me with my college essay? i hope I've answered the question well...
Here's the question:
Describe a setback that you have faced.How
did you resolve it? How did the outcome affect
you? If something similar happened in
the future, how would you react?
Setback Essay - is this better?
When I was in middle school, I didn't give much thought in applying to high school. I knew that I wanted to be in one of the three specialized science high schools - Stuyvesant, Bronx Science or Brooklyn Technical. My first choice had been Stuyvesant.
I ended up in Brooklyn Tech.
And so I went along with what fate had decided for me - I attended Brooklyn Tech. My decision seemed simple at the time considering that I was being offered to go to one of the top schools in New York City. How could I possibly refuse?
But I was upset. I wanted to go to the top school in New York City. I didn't want to be third or second best. I believed I deserved better, that I should have gotten into what I wanted... but I didn't.
And in my anger I hadn't bothered looking into Brooklyn Technical High School.
I hadn't thought about the 4,000 other high school students that would be attending or about the student body that studied as fiercely or fiercer than I did or about the immense competition. I hadn't given Brooklyn Tech too much thought. I just went.
I was doubtful, at first. I wasn't sure whether this would be an agreeable. But instead of transferring out, I decided I wasn't going to take the cowards way out - I would stick to my fate, no matter what it was. Or perhaps I decided to stick to my fate because in some twisted way, I grew to like Brooklyn Tech.
It was full of diversity, a cultural wonderland where I had friends from all different backgrounds and who were as ambitious and as studious as I was. It was an excellent alternative by far.
Brooklyn Tech had showed me a world of academic insightfulness that would forever be branded in my mind. It showed me things that Stuyvesant may not have been able to show me. It oriented me to subjects where I hadn't dared venture before.
I learned to love Tech and it no longer seemed to be the second or third best choice. May be on my list it had been in that ranking, but it was obvious that it had been first choice on fate's list.
My experience in applying to high school is certainly similar to what I'm experiencing now in applying to college. Of course there are times when I fear I'll be rejected by every institution but then I look back and remember Tech - Brooklyn Tech who had given me a home when those other schools left me in the dark.
While I may not get into my first choice for college, I know that there are alternatives in life. If I cannot become an anthropologist, I'll be an enologist, and if I can't be an enologist, I'll be an agronomist. Sometimes, we may not like our options but there are alternatives out there for everyone. It's all up to us whether we decide to make the best of it or not.
I know I made the best of my experience at Tech and I certainly hope to do the same throughout college and throughout the rest of my life.
You've written a very good essay! Here are a few editing suggestions:
My first choice had been Stuyvesant.
I ended up in the latter. - You can't put another name before the "latter" you are referring to, or it sounds like Stuyvesant was the "latter" you are referencing. Just say "I ended up in Brooklyn Tech."
It showed me things that [delete "maybe"] Stuyvesant might not have been able to show me. It oriented me to subjects where I hadn't dared venture before.
In the paragraph where you suddenly go from not liking your school to being glad you're there, the change is a little abrupt without any real explanation. You might want to spend a little more time explaining what caused your shift in thinking.
Yes, although it was good before, I think you've definitely improved it! I have just a few suggestions:
considering that I was being offered the opportunity to go to one of the top schools
I wasn't sure whether this would be an agreeable. - You can say "I wasn't sure whether this would be agreeable" or "I wasn't sure whether this would be an agreeable experience" but you can't say "I wasn't sure whether this would be an agreeable."
But instead of transferring out, I decided I wasn't going to take the coward's way out
Brooklyn Tech [delete "had"] showed me a world of academic insightfulness
Maybe on my list it had been in that ranking,
I just wish to thank Sarah for such valuable feedbacks.