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"Where shall I put this?" "The projector isn't working!"


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Oct 28, 2014   #1
Am under serious time pressure! If anyone could please get me some feedback, it would be greatly appreciated! Open to suggestions! I'm a bit under the word count.

Everyone belongs to many different communities and/or groups defined by (among other things) shared geography, religion, ethnicity, income, cuisine, interest, race, ideology, or intellectual heritage. Choose one of the communities to which you belong, and describe that community and your place within it. (Approximately 250-300)

"Where shall I put this?" "The projector isn't working!" "What do we do with the raffle prizes?"
As frantic volunteers voice their concerns, I look up from my clipboard and calmly deliver their solutions. Satisfied, the volunteers run off just as another herd came barreling toward me. It was the night before our benefit concert, and so much still needed to be done. As I continue to direct volunteers, I realize just how much we have grown. I could still remember rushing around with only three other supporters during the first year of my foundation, attempting to accomplish work meant for many more. Now, after many years later, the foundation has grown to include dozens of capable volunteers that are equally as passionate about my cause. These advocators understand and share the same vision of providing choral scholarships to children passionate about music who otherwise cannot afford a music education, and together we fight to change lives. Today was Memorial Day, and most people would be relaxing with their families and enjoying the break. Yet, as I looked around, everyone was lively and content about spending their day in this manner. Here, amidst all the chaos, I see my community. We all share the bond of service, a bond stronger than any blood or relation. All of us are willing to sacrifice for the cause and are diligent about making a difference for what we believe in. I couldn't be prouder to lead this group of leaders.

Lucy2457 4 / 9 1  
Oct 28, 2014   #2
Great essay! I love the questions at the beginning. I would say just a few minor points. Make sure you keep your tense consistent, you sometimes switch between past and present. Also, there are just a few words that could be made into synonyms. I have highlighted some changes in green. Good luck!

"Where shall I put this?"
"The projector isn't working!"
"What do we do with the raffle prizes?"
When frantic volunteers fire question after question at me , I look up from my clipboard and calmly deliver their solutions. Satisfied, the volunteers run off just as another herd comes barreling toward me. It was the night before our benefit concert, and so much still needed to be done. As I continue to direct volunteers, I realize just how much we have grown. I could still remember rushing around with only three other supporters during the first year of my foundation, attempting to accomplish work meant for a huge team . Now, after many years later, the foundation has grown to include dozens of capable volunteers that are equally as passionate about my cause. These advocates understand and share the same vision of providing choral scholarships to children passionate about music who otherwise cannot afford a music education. Together we fight to change lives. Today is Memorial Day, and most people are relaxing with their families and enjoying the break. Yet, as I look around, everyone is lively and content about spending their day in this manner. Here, amidst all the chaos, I see my community. We all share the bond of service, a bond stronger than any blood or relation. All of us are willing to sacrifice for the cause and are diligent about making a difference for what we believe in. I couldn't be prouder to lead this group of champions .


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