What shaped you into the person you are today?
this is my college application essay. (421 words)
the prompt is
What was the environment in which you were raised? Describe your family, home, neighborhood, or community, and explain how it has shaped you as a person.
Please let me know what I should change and if I should add anything else to lengthen it a bit.
In the seventeen years of life that I have lived, I have been sculpted into a strong, independent, and humble person. I credit who I am today to the rough environment I was raised in along with the most amazing parents who mentored me.
I lived my pre-teen years in a poverty-stricken community. More specifically, a poverty-stricken house where some days my mom and dad would have to sacrifice their meals just so that me and my brother could have food in our stomachs. I didn't understand my situation at the time but now that I reflect on it, my parents strength provided me with my own. I learned how sacrifices need to be made to keep the ones closest to you happy; even at the expense of your own satisfaction. But that wasn't the only thing my parents taught me. My parents taught me the importance of independence. During our hardship they never once thought of quitting, they never begged anyone to give us money, they never relied on anyone other than themselves. It sounds counterproductive since we were in need, however the lesson was more about learning to do things on your own. I learned that not everything in life should be handed over to you for free when you have the power to get it yourself.
Eventually, my dad received a promotion at his job which bumped his salary up by quite a bit. We began to reap the fruit of which we had sown. No longer did we have a shortage of food, no longer did we need to worry about how we were going to pay me and my brother's school tuition. The lessons I learned began to show me the importance of staying consistent. I now understand that some things take a while before they change for the better. I am now able to rest easy knowing that I can continue my education and continue the tradition of attending college.
One thing I will never do is forget my humble beginnings. If I didn't grow up in the community I was raised in, if I didn't have parents driven to give their kids the best possible future they can, I believe I would not be the person I am today. If I wasn't taught to be independent or strong or humble, I would have ended up like others in my community who are involved in criminal activity. I would not have the motivation to continue my educational career. I would not be Miguel Angel Olvera.
I like your essay very much. I feel it sincere and it has really touched my soul.
Here are some of my opinions:
"The lessons I learned began to show me": --> I don't know what "began" means here. I prefer to use "From that time, I learnt that..." or something else.
"... never do is forget my ..." --> forgetting/ to forget, beginning
In the last paragraph, you use clauses with "if" and "would" consecutively. When I read it, I could understand or feel something artistic, however, I do not think it is effective in grammar view.
In my opinion, if you want to lengthen that writing, you could include some details that you think they can make your essay different from others', such as the scene you are most impressed with, what you remember and what you feel.
That is my opinion. Hope you success and have fun.
Holt Educational Consultant - / 10,693 3497
Miguel, this is an excellent. draft. How many words do you have for the allotment? The reason I ask is because the essay is missing an important factor in its presentation. The missing factor is how you have applied these lessons that you have learned from your parents in your own life. The lessons that they taught you and the experiences you had growing up were all certainly considerable character building exercises. That is why I believe that aside from simply explaining what you learned from these events, you must also offer an example of how you have applied these lessons in your life through your own experiences.
Your concluding paragraph is a bit cocky. It refers to your dependence on your parents for your tuition fee and other things in life. This runs counter to the lessons of independence and self-sustenance that you implied in the first part of your essay. Rather than saying those things, you can change the paragraph to instead, explain how your life lessons and experiences have led you to better prepare for your own future as a college student, just in case things fall through for your parents financially or otherwise. Then explain that you are preparing to continue the tradition of attending and completing a college education in your family. The end of the essay should imply that the person you are today is one who is independent, self - sustaining if need be, and open minded when it comes to realizing that you should not rely on others to help you out of difficult situations. These are the lessons that I believe are evident in your narrative and best explain the person you are today.
Overall, this is a pretty good start. It has room for improvement though and I hope that you will consider my suggestions above. Good luck with your application.
thank you for the feedback, I changed the "if" and "would" part and they still have the same impact to a certain extent. I also fixed the other suggestions and found that they work better than what I previously had. Thank you for the help :)