This is another essay that I have written.
Grammatical an punctuation revisions are appreciates.
Overall, in your opinion, is this a good essay?
As I sat in the seat, I could hear the loud and unfamiliar music fill the entire cafeteria. Memorized, I looked at the stage and studied the intricate dance moves that the performers were displaying. I looked around the cafeteria and I watched the students practice for their cultural dances and songs.
My attention was brought back to reality when my friend wanted me to accommodate her to the food stand. My eyes wandered from table to table and I decided what I wanted to eat from the various foods available. Italian, Chinese, Mexican, and even food from India were all offered to me in this one room.
International Day was a day were the students and faculties celebrate the cultures of the world. Held once a year, towards the end of the year, students and teachers are allowed to sing, cook, and dress up in the attire of the country that they represent.
After spending my whole period eating and conversing with my friends, I felt the boredom starting to overwhelm me. All of sudden , I heard whispers of murmurs traveling throughout the whole cafeteria. I looked up at the stage while the sound of "Nimbooda" played and saw the commotion of which caught everyone's attention: A Caucasian boy dancing with his fellow Indian classmates.
After the delightful performance, I heard a faint applauses from the accidence. Quickly, and with complete confidence, the spokesperson on the microphone said "...And this is the definition of International Day. It is when people step out of the boundaries of their own culture and accept other cultures as their own." With that being said, the crowd broke out into a clamoring uproar filled with applauses.
As I look back, now that I am a senior, I am filled with heartwarming memories of all the diverse knowledge that I gained from the forty-five minutes of International Day. I now look forward to last and final International Day... at Marlboro High School. That is to say, it will not be my "final" and "last" International Day forever. I hope that by attending Rutgers, I can continues my journey to collect knowledge as well as to participate in events similar to the events held during International Day. While gaining knowledge from my peers, I hope to reciprocate the favor and share the abundance of knowledge that I had learned.
Thank You!
thank you so much! :)
a few more questions:
1. With that being said, the crowd broke out into a clamoring uproar filled with applauses.
should it be applauses or appluase?
2. I added another phrase to the essay: While gaining knowledge from my peers that I [am ignorant of] [lack](which wording do you like better?), I hope to reciprocate the favor and share the abundance of knowledge that I had learned.
do i need to add this part or does it imply that i do not know the info
3. I now look forward to my last and final International Day... at Marlboro High School; That is to say, it will not be my "final" and "last" International Day forever.
is this grammatically correct?
4. I hope that by attending Rutgers, I can continue this "International Day" and continue my journey to collect knowledge as well as to participate in events similar to the events held during International Day.
is this a run-on sentence?
thanks again!
Good morning.
1. I addressed that and corrected it in the essay; I may not have changed all instances of it, so you need to double check your work.
2. "lacked."
3. "That" shouldn't be capitalized; it's in the middle of the sentence.
4. No, but I would add something like "tradition" after "International Day."
Regards,
Gloria
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