This is my Lehigh admissions essay based on the topic give below. I would really appreciate it you guys would give me some you impressions, thoughts and opinions. Thanks so much.
Essay Topic: In our ever-changing society, people have defined 'equity' and 'community' in many different ways. How do you define these terms and what are the implications of equity and community for our 21st century society?
Society today is radically different than it was even a half century ago. Communities are getting more and more diverse with people from all different races, ethnicities and cultures. Equity in communities is crucial for ensuring a stable, and prosperous global 21st century society.
I see a community simply as a group of people who share something in common. This could be a common geographic location, common values, common ethnicity or even common cultural characteristics. A community may be racially and ethnically diverse or it may be homogenous and populated with people who have much in common. The strength of a community comes from the individual members making up the community. To have a successful stable community, there needs to be equity which ensures that each member gets the opportunity to succeed. To me, equity is empowering every individual in a community with the necessary aid, resources, and most importantly, the opportunities that they need to reach their full potential. While we have come very far in our quest for equality we are not close to achieving true equity. Equality calls for building a free public school and allowing every child to attend. Equity calls for not only building a public school, but also running literacy programs for children struggling with English. Equity is not about treating each person equally and in the same way, but rather it is about giving each person the attention and resources they need to achieve at their highest levels. To achieve true equity we must eliminate all barriers to economic, social and educational opportunities so that anyone and everyone can benefit from them.
But why should we care about this unattainable ideal of equity? If we look at the world today and look at major social problems occurring right now, the answer becomes apparent. Would a Somalian teen turn to piracy and terrorism if there was proper opportunity for him to grow otherwise? Would he have chosen such dangerous profession if he had a choice to attend school, and receive an education from which he could have built a stable life? This example is one of many where people turn to crime in desperation because they have no other opportunity within their community. This brings unrest among communities and decreases the stability. Racial inequity also cripples communities as it creates a wide gap between people of different races and leads to conflict. Thus, while true equity is idealistic and unattainable, striving for it allows for greater peace in communities and for society as a whole.
Society in the 21st century is becoming more and more like one gigantic cosmopolitan city. Cultural and racial boundaries are dissolving with each passing day. As diversity increases, the needs of the individuals that makes up society change and it becomes even more crucial that everyone gets the opportunities the deserve to succeed. We need to ensure that in the future no race or ethnicity is deterred from opportunity and that their potential is not wasted. We collectively fail as individuals, communities and as society when we fail to give individuals the necessary resources and opportunities needed to contribute to and influence society. By not providing these opportunities, we increase risk crippling our communities with widening social gaps which would lead to increased social unrest. We need to achieve equity to create strong, stable and prosperous communities ready for the 21st century's global society.
This is well written with pretty sturdy grammar, but I have to admit that this was rather boring. I found myself glazing over a few points. The opening sentence, though relevant, sets the tone for the entire essay as somewhat bland.
I don't think you should add things like "to me," since we know that it's your opinion. Also, I'm not really jumping with joy at the rhetorical questions. You ask a question and call it an example; though most may agree with you, it's still not the greatest idea.
I agree with verily; first sentence sets the tone! The reader doesn't get to see much insight into who you actually are, but rather, what community, equity, society, blah is. You should narrow down your topic more; you hit a very good point about literacy programs and could've expanded on that. I think you went a bit parallel-happy too (don't worry, I do that myself) by using equity so many times. It felt like you were trying to push the word limit of your essay at parts.
Society today is radically different than it was even a half century ago. Communities are getting more and more diverse with people from all different races, ethnicities and cultures. Equity in communities is crucial for ensuring a stable, and prosperous global 21st century society.
You can tighten up the prose a bit more, be less verbose and all. Try adding imagery to it? People from China, Israel, and India gather for dinner together. Always remember to show and not tell.
Hope this helped!
Thank you both for your insight.
The first sentence is the last sentence I wrote and I realize it is really bland and boring but I could not think of something else. Thankfully, I still have a bunch of time to tinker on the essay.
In my editing I will try to make it a bit more exciting and add a little bit of myself into it.
Again, I really appreciate the comments.
