I would appreciate any feedback and suggestions. Thank you
prompt- "Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how has your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations."
Throughout my high school career, one of my main goals was to help others, and to be more specific, give back to my community. Living in one of the safest cities in the nation, Temecula, I have realized that this city has done more than enough for me. Now it is my duty to insure everyone in my community receives the same level of satisfaction from Temecula as I did.
In my second year of high school, I registered myself as a Special Olympics volunteer for tennis. Watching and assisting each athlete, I became humbled. I realized the joy in helping others less fortunate than me. Immediately I knew I wanted to do more for the organization and as a result, enlisted in another season as a Special Olympics volunteer. Being a certified scuba diver and lifeguard, I knew I could best help mentally challenged children learn how to swim. From both seasons of Special Olympics, I learned the importance and satisfaction of helping intellectually disabled children within my community.
Having somewhat successful academics, I found myself motivated to share this success with others. As a junior, I came upon a free tutoring program at the Temecula Public Library. Volunteering at the library, I got the chance to help children ranging from high school to elementary school. The children I helped were not the only ones that were learning. Seeing each child completely focused on learning made me more motivated to learn as well.
As a senior, my loyalty to a few clubs over the years had paid off. I was fortunate enough to be appointed as vice president of Earth Club and treasurer of Key Club. Both of these clubs are fully dedicated to the community and provide community service to the members at their events. As a leader, I learned dedication, creativity, and openness. Fulfilling the leadership position for Earth Club and Key Club I learned to be absolutely devoted to my role in the clubs. I also discovered I must be able to create new ideas as well as be open to new concepts as they are presented to me. Through serving as Earth Club's vice president and Key Club's treasurer, I believe I am closer to achieving my ultimate goal of giving back to my community.
As a citizen of Temecula, I believe it is my duty to give back to the community. Over my high school career, I have made this my personal goal and strived to achieve it. Moving away to college next year, I plan on implying this same concept and being well involved in their community.
Immediately I knew I wanted to do more for the organization and as a result, I enlisted in another season as a Special Olympics volunteer.
I knew I could best help teach mentally challenged children learn how to swim.
ranging from high school to elementary school. i think you should switch elementary and high school.
The children I helped were not the only ones that were learning; se eing each child completely focused on learning made me more motivated to learn as well.
As a senior, my loyalty to a few clubs over the years hadhas paid off. -you're talking about loyalty, so "has" would be grammatically correct
Fulfilling the leadership position for Earth Club and Key Club, I learned to be absolutely devoted to my role in the clubs
Moving away to college next year, I plan on implying this same concept and being well involved in their community.
I just got done writing my UC essay! it's good but id say add it more describing your community. on the tips, it said to have the majority of your essay being describing your community. yours is mostly just on your role in it
each athlete, I became humbled
You make yourself less humble by saying you are.
Having somewhat successful academics, I found myself motivated to share this success with others.
.Dont say somewhat.
Its nice that your goal is to give back to the community, but is that your DREAM? you can say that you aspire to help your community as they did to you, but that you DREAM of ____.
If you don't include what your dream or aspiration is then you are not answering the prompt, however you can make some tweaks in it to show that helping your community is your aspiration.
thanks for the feedback. that was really helpful
Hello,
Stop the madness. If your ultimate goal is to give back to the community, why go to College? Do you intend to give back in another way afterwards? You are writing this essay because you think this is what they want to hear. As a former admissions officer, I literally read thousands of "I want to help or give back essays." The vast majority of them were mundane and monotonous such as this one. This is a very specific essay prompt...where do you come from and how has that shaped where you desire to go. The hidden caveat in the question is, "how can this school help you connect points A & B." It's great that you want to give back. Many people find sometime to give back on the side. But this question is asking "what do you really want to do?" -What shaped your passion? If your passion really is community service and giving back, your position on that needs to be more structured such as "I want to be a community organizer, a teacher, a doctor, etc"...something where it would be your job to give back and "save" others. -AAO
Hope this helps
