Hey guys. please review and suggest?
i really need some good advice on it.
Prompt- tell us about a signficant experience one?
We gorged on the famed kebabs- my elder sister and I- as I chortled on my father's frequent banters. He tried to ameliorate the mood on the dining table. I missed her, my mother, who was miles away from our new home. I missed her eyes, the ocean green-blue marbles I could get lost in forever, and her sweet vanilla attar; one could smell distinctively when she would enter the house. I had always been the mummas-boy and not much of a father's-son, and moving in with my father from a small town into a "Big City", at a tender age of 10, was challenging. It was a totally alienated city; the big, tall buildings, the fancy, shiny cars, and the well dressed, tacky people.
Transcending from a class of 10 to a class of 50 student was pressuring and depressing. I became a sulky, side-bencher in class, from an active, mischievous and topper student. Books became my friends, silence my voice and solitude my soul. I would spend all the by myself, weeping over the sweet nostalgic memories of the past. I became an autist, keeping to myself. The news of the shift to Big City was a shocker. The exposure since the very childhood made me more accepting towards the bitter truth of my family.
Seeing me spend months in my imaginarium, by father took me with him to meet his childhood friend, Uncle X. On entering his house, it was as if I had entered a golden treasure trove. I soon noticed that the golden sheen was coming from the gold medals that reflected the tacky L.E.D white light giving it a golden lustre. Few hours after the random conversations, Uncle X told me about his passion for tennis . He also told me how he, along with my father, went for the one-day stealth trips to play the tennis tournaments and return back without their parents even getting a pinch of thought about their absence and at the same time maintain their top national ranks in the sport. I was awed and inspired, but frustrated at the same time- how could my father forget to mention about him being a nationally acclaimed tennis player?
On my first day at tennis academy, my coach said that I was rather impressively better when compared to the new admits. Perhaps it was my father's athletic genes that were dominant, rather than the ones of my mother's self-absorption. Within a month I was transferred to the intermediate group from the novice one. Gradually, tennis became my getaway from the real world, where I could escape from the reality of a broken family. Escaping the realism, I focused on tennis to feel better about me and get better at the sport as well. My father encouraged me to join the Drama classes taught in a park, nearby. I could express my emotions there without any hesitation and hide myself behind my character. I was better at it than anyone else.
By the age of 16, I had become a master in deception. I could amaze people with my portrayal of emotions in a theatre ensemble, and had climbed the ladder to reach the national level in tennis. Although, the broken home had some banes, I converted the chi to make it work my way as a boon and come out as a better, stronger and a smarter me. This shift to the Big City helped in defining me as a better human being.
My father encouraged me to join the Drama classes taught in a park, nearby. I could express my emotions there without any hesitation and hide myself behind my character. I was better at it than anyone else.
By the age of 16, I had become a master in deception.
I think this just randomly thrown in the essay and kind of throws the reader off.
Other than that I really enjoyed your essay and kept me wanting to read more. I think you should add a stronger conclusion on why moving made you a better human being
well... i think you should try to focus on one. since imo, seems that drama made you change more from quiet to involved and interested, you should focus on drama instead. focus on that change - how you felt. what about drama brought this change? to me, it almost seems like tennis has nothing to do with how you became better after your big move. it is distracting... so i suggest, FOCUS ON DRAMA. write about how it changed you, and how you'd never have gotten to do drama if you were wherever you were before you moved.
hope this helps!
See. I got into both of these activities, They both helped me a lot.
I believe tennis was what impacted me a littel more than drama. But drama makes me whom I am today, as well. It's complicated :X
I got two contrary suggestions. Someone else, please? :/