Why are you drawn to the area(s) of study you indicated? Ever since I saw the shining computer parts and vivid pictures on the screen in my neighbor's house when I was four, I became fascinated by the "magic" of a computer. After immigrating to America, I have perceived the rapid development of technology and societal needs for technological solution which strengthened my will to study in the field of computer science.
Complete ONE of the following thoughts:
If I could do something with no risk of failing, I would...
...develop a system or software that can recognize human speech with a very high accurate rate and translate the speech instantly from one language to other languages in the way of native speakers.
What is something you created that makes you especially proud, and why?
By the time I became a member of Greenhouse Club during my junior year, there was only a few people in this club. This undesirable situation sparked an idea in my mind: to change.
During senior year, I created a website of the club with another member for the purpose of expanding the club. With this new website, we disseminated our events and information to other student more conveniently and the members of Greenhouse Club increased significantly within a month. Because of this effort, I became the webmaster of the Greenhouse Club and I was really happy with this experience since I could contribute to the Greenhouse Club while I applied my knowledge in computer to build the website.
We all exist within communities or groups of various sizes, origins, and purposes; pick one and tell us why it is important to you, and how it has shaped you.
When I was small, I was fascinated by Chinese history. Since I had strong interest in Chinese culture, my family began to pass on Chinese traditional value to me little by little: the Confucian values. Under this influence, I gained a unique perspective of life, aspirations and goals which shaped my personality and moral views and I became modest and conservative on the journey to knowledge. Being Obsessed with the beauty of Chinese character, I also have had practiced Chinese calligraphy for seven years. The practice of Chinese calligraphy enhanced my understanding of Chinese culture and cultivated the quality of patience in myself which helped me to develop a methodical thought while solving problems. Despite this, the experience of living in America has broaden my horizon and the liberal value has drove me to accept an interconnected world. Being a student in America, I am proud to learn in this open-minded academic environment while keeping my own traditional value as a unique individual.
When I was small, I was fascinated by Chinese history since young . SinceBecause I had strong interest in Chinese culture, my family began to pass on Chinese traditional value to me little by little: the Confucian values. Under this influence, I gained a unique perspective of life, aspirations and goals, which shaped my personality and moral views and I becametaught me to be modest and conservative on the journey to knowledge. Being Obsessed with the beauty of Chinese characters , I also have had practiced Chinese calligraphy for seven years. The practice of Chinese calligraphy enhanced my understanding of Chinese culture,andcultivated the quality of patience in myselfcultivated me to be patient,whichand helped me to develop a methodical thought while solving problems. Despite this, the experience of living in America has broaden my horizon and the liberal value has drove me to accept an interconnected world. Being (you used too much being; use "As" instead) a student in America, I am proud to learn in this open-minded academic environment while keeping my own traditional value as a unique individual.
Thanks for your feedback.
any other comments?
An additional prompt to the supplement:
A distinctive feature of the Brown Curriculum is the opportunity to be the architect of your education.
Why does this academic environment appeal to you?
The freedom to construct education will enable me to expand my interest and broaden the horizon in my field of study. Since I have a strong interest in computer science and economics, learning in Brown University will allow me to integrate a variety of knowledge into a comprehensive program that satisfy my needs. While I could immerse myself in learning computer science, I could also build economic analysis software or modelling software to enhance my interest in economics. With this liberty in my education, I can cultivate stronger independence and responsibility in my education and prepare myself to face challenges in my future.
"The freedom to construct education will enable me to expand my interest and broaden the horizon in my field of study." This statement is a little cliche and non descriptive. I would rewrite for a stronger opening
Thank you for your feedback , and here is my revision.
Looking at the trending of economy and analyzing it with an intricate computer software, this combination of work portrays an ideal job in my mind. Since I have a strong interest in computer science and economics, learning in Brown Curriculum will allow me to integrate a variety of knowledge into a comprehensive program that satisfy my needs. While I could immerse myself in learning computer science, I could also build economic analysis software or modelling software to enhance my interest in economics. With this liberty in my education, I can cultivate stronger independence and responsibility in my education and prepare myself to face challenges in my future.
The essays are all good but I would suggest you reword this statement: "Who would have thought that I, a new comer, would ever place first in the Boston Citywide Science Fair within eight months of study in America? ". Try and sound more confident as the admissions officer doesn't want to see you doubt yourself. Besides that I think you're set.
I hope this helped! Can you please look at my Uchicago or Princeton essays? Thanks!
About your revision - You have a lot of awkward passive voice. Try this instead:
structure changed: My ideal job is looking at the trending of economy and analyzing it with an intricate computer software,
Since I have a strong interest in computer science and economics, learning in Brown Curriculum will allow me to integrate a variety of knowledge into a comprehensive program that satisfy my needs.
While I could immersing myself in learning computer science, I couldwill? also build economic analysis software or modelling software to enhance my interest in economics.
With this libertyfreedom in my education, I can cultivate stronger independence and responsibility in my education and prepare myself to face challenges in my future.
I definitely like the first sentences of all of your essays but I think you should revise your intro sentence for the one about Chinese culture
Thanks for your feedback.
Would this be better?
Listening to my father's story about dynasty in Chinese history constantly, I was fascinated by Chinese culture since young. Because I had strong interest in the stories, my family began to pass on Chinese traditional value to me little by little: the Confucian values. Under this influence, I gained a unique perspective of life, aspirations and goals which shaped my personality and moral views and taught me to be modest and conservative on the journey to knowledge. Being obsessed with the beauty of Chinese characters, I had practiced Chinese calligraphy for seven years. Through the study of Chinese calligraphy, my understanding of Chinese culture was enhanced and the quality of patience was cultivated and a methodical thought was developed. Despite this, the experience of living in America has broadened my horizon and the liberal value has drove me to accept an interconnected world. As a student in America, I am proud to learn in this open-minded academic environment while keeping my own traditional value as a unique individual.
this is nice, but you use a lot of 'and's in your sentences; instead of
' my understanding of Chinese culture was enhanced and the quality of patience was cultivated and a methodical thought was developed'
write:
my understanding of Chinese culture was enhanced, the quality of patience was cultivated, and a methodical thought was developed
could you check mine?? thanks
