hey everyone, this is my first draft of my essay. Word limit is 500. I'm at 492 now. Any comments and constructive criticisms are welcome. thanks!
"Virtually all of Stanford's undergraduates live on campus. What would you want your future roommate to know about you? Tell us something about you that will help your future roommate -- and us -- know you better."
Dear Roommate,
I couldn't think of any other way to be more honest with you, so I thought up a game. You have one minute to think of 10 items you love, off the top of your head. They do not need to be in a specific order of preference. Here's what made my list:
1. The Shins.
2. Organization.
3. My Canon Rebel Xs.
4. The tattered, dirt stained Earth Spirit sandals.
5. My grades.
6. Yoga.
7. Gelatin-, glycerin-, and glycerol-free candy.
8. My gold family ring.
9. National Geographic Magazine.
10. My Schwinn Cruiser.
Now think about what you included in your list. In my list, each item represents a small piece of me.
I love music. The Shins, in my opinion, are a witty and ridiculously catchy band. I don't blast my music, but you might hear a few notes from "Turn on Me" wafting from my iHome every now and then.
As for organization, I am somewhat of a compulsive cleaner. Coming from a beach house filled with sand, clutter, and pets, I know I can live in any kind of environment. You will soon become familiar with my organizational habits-my random desktop straightenings and closet system. Luckily, you won't be subjected to my 11p.m. vacuum sessions.
My camera is my third eye. I love focusing my lens on the intricate details and textures that the naked eye seldom sees. You will often see my faithful Canon Rebel peeping out from my backpack. I strive to capture the essence of any given moment on my trusty camera.
My tattered, red-dirt stained sandals will probably never see the inside of a trashcan-I'm quite attached to them. They shielded my feet as I navigated the thorny paths of high school. *
Grades. These matter a lot to me. In high school, they were my version of competitive sports (although I did run cross-country and track to keep in shape and have some fun).
Yoga classes and gelatin-free candy-especially my favorite red-licorice hearts from Down to Earth-are the only two things I've ever had a serious addiction to. Not a bad addiction, if I do say so myself.
As you'll notice right away, I'm a jewelry minimalist, my only accessories being my three earrings (because I ran out of Icing's before they could pierce a fourth hole) and my gold family ring (passed down to me from my great grandfather).
I'm leaving behind a mountain of National Geographic's. However, I have plans to renew my subscription once I'm settled here. They are my window to the world, at least until I can see it in person.
My good old Schwinn has been my main mode of transportation since I was in the sixth grade. We have a love/hate relationship. I love racing down the two-mile bike-path. I don't love the resulting scar tissue of my many wipeouts.
Now it's your turn.
See you soon,
[my name]
I <3! Incredibly thoughtful and original essay. But if you want to add more things, I can suggest combining your explanation with the item list. Make it for instance, 10 things I love. Or 10 things that equals me. Something like that. So you can go
1) I'm leaving behind a mountain of National Geographic's. However, I have plans to renew my subscription once I'm settled here. They are my window to the world, at least until I can see it in person.
2) My good old Schwinn has been my main mode of transportation since I was in the sixth grade. We have a love/hate relationship. I love racing down the two-mile bike-path. I don't love the resulting scar tissue of my many wipeouts.
3) etc...
Just a suggestion.
I don't see any mistakes in grammar or structure, but if you want, maybe you can make your list shorter so you can explain some items in detail? It's excellent the way it stands though!
Good luck!
Good idea... I mean, this is a good idea for an essay, Emily.
Hey, I suggest using semi-colons instead of the numbered list:
Here's what made my list: The Shins; organization; my Canon Rebel Xs camera; ...
Immediately after the list, give a thesis statement that captures the MAIN theme of the essay, the message you want the reader to remember.
Even though the reader is getting to eavesdrop on a letter between roommates, the reader is also getting a message, a main idea, communicated to her.
