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'Your Shoes Can Take You Nowhere' - Personal Statement


hesaves 2 / 3  
Nov 4, 2011   #1
Here's one of my personal essay options. I would really appreciate the help and feedback. Thanks.

Your Shoes Can Take You Nowhere

Starring down at my dirt-encrusted sneakers, I maneuvered my way to my seat in the silent fifth grade classroom. As the first fourth-grader to take classes with the fifth grader, I was excited and a bit anxious; unfortunately, the fifth grade class was not too accepting of the idea. Since the day I entered the fifth grade classroom, I began to look at my educational pursuit in a more purposeful way that still has its effects on me today.

Walking into class one day, I heard the snickers, whispers, and even the giggles of several classmates. Thoughts raced through my fourth grader mind to determine or understand the source of their amusement until I realized that I was actually the subject of it. Questions raced through my head: Was it the yellow color of my skin, the uniform that I wore, or the worn out shoes on my feet? Perhaps it was that I appeared to be a teacher's pet because I wanted to learn and get good grades? Unfortunately, those were all the reasons why they were laughing at me. In fact, the other students frequently asked why I wore the same shoes every day, why I did not buy name-branded shoes, and why I was in their class. The answers were clear to me: I bought my shoes for a good price at a clearance sale, they were wearable, and I wanted to succeed. However, there were times when I wish those were not my answers and even envied the shoes that other people wore, like those hundred dollar pairs of Addidas and Nike shoes. Regardless of what I tried to convince myself, their words pricked my self-esteem, efforts, and experience like a splinter in one's sole.

Ironically, one particular day I was looking around the classroom and noticed a poster with a life-changing quote: "In 30 years, it will not matter what shoes you wore, what jeans you wore, or how popular you were; the only thing that will matter is whether you have an education and what you do with it." Applying those words of encouragement to my life, I rigorously pursued my studies and eventually skipped a grade level. Throughout my academic career, I have worked towards academic excellence, with the ultimate goal of attaining my doctoral degree in mathematics and science. With a changed mentality, I am no longer concerned about my appearance in a superficial way. Mere clothes and shoes can never represent an individual's ability to learn, achieve, and pursue her goals. With hard work, academic vision, and the passion for learning, my dirt-encrusted shoes - even though they are still not Addidas and Nike - did lead me to a path of opportunities and will continue to take me onto the road of academic and personal success.
12GabrielC - / 8 1  
Nov 5, 2011   #2
The ideas I gleaned from this essay about you:
- You feel motivated to succeed academically.
- You are focused on achieving this goal, and are willing to ignore outside criticism, taunts, and your outward appearance in the goal's pursuit.
- Expensive shoes were once beyond your means.
- Your drive and intellect allowed you to skip a grade.

If these are the things you meant to convey, then your essay is good, but could be improved by mentioning these traits more explicitly and by making clearer connections between your anecdote and your message about yourself. For example, why were your shoes not only "uncool" but also "dirt encrusted"? What do you mean you have yellow skin? Why do you mention it but don't explain or talk about it at all?

Also, Adidas is the spelling you're looking for.


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