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'...shook his head, sadly' - You have just completed your 300-page autobiography; page 217.

TimMill 9 / 63  
Dec 21, 2009   #1
You have just completed your 300-page autobiography. Please submit page 217.

Hey guys, you wanna look over this and tell me what you think? Thanks.

...shook his head, sadly.
"Tim, you're fired."
While I was disappointed, I wasn't surprised. I suppose it didn't matter that I was high while I did it, raping his daughter wasn't a good career move. I lowered my eyes, looking to his feet.

"Can I at least keep the money?"
"What money?"
I guess he hadn't realized that I had embezzled more than $20,000 in the last few months. Shit.
"Tim, what money?"
I tried to look away again, pretending I hadn't said anything. He began to say something, but as soon as he opened his mouth I pushed past him, out of the cubicle and into the hallway. This chapter of my life was closed.


I figured I'd be okay. The office job was just a side job, anyway- peddling narcotics and small-time embezzlement got me most of the money I needed to support my habit, and I thought the landlord was too afraid of me to evict me. Not that the house was much anyway- my bed wasn't much more than a bunch of stuffing in the corner, and my refrigerator hadn't worked for weeks.

Settling down in the only rickety chair in the apartment, I tried to think. Should I take up a new job? I tried to brainstorm... what did I like to do? I scribbled my thoughts on a napkin, but surfing porn on the internet and insulting the people on the Jesus hotline weren't really marketable skills. I turned the napkin over. What could I do?

Again, I drew a blank. I hadn't done anything worthwhile with my life since I graduated UPenn with a Bachelors in Engineering eight years ago. Thinking about it now, I'm not even sure how I did that- most of the time I was high or passed out. It didn't hurt that I paid a kid with ex to take all my exams for me. That, and I the physics professor was a total junkie. Whatever.

After that, I did a brief stint at Market Basket, but was fired for pissing in the brownie mix when the baker ticked me off. I had a few years unemployment, was in the kicker for a couple months for assault and battery... nothing. I called my friend.

"Hey man, I'm in a bit of a hard place."
I explained that I'd been fired, and he started laughing.
"What the fuck dude, it's not fucking funny!"
His response was that I was the most pathetic person he knew. He started to say something about how my mother was more successful than me, selling knitted socks on the Internet, but I had had about enough. I threw the receiver against the wall. It cracked. Fuck. I had already known that I wasn't getting the security deposit back, but now I needed a new phone, too.
ginny2345 12 / 22  
Dec 21, 2009   #2
ok...one of the dont's of writing a college essay is :never talk about drugs or porn or stuff like that. while i think your approach is creative, i think u're conveying the wrong message. with this essay u are saying that upenn has contributed nothing to your life. u are pracically insulting the school..i dont think they would like that at all..u should try a different approach. one that protrays you as an intellectually sound person at least.

just a suggestion
OP TimMill 9 / 63  
Dec 21, 2009   #3
That might be a good idea... I'll take another look and try to revise a little. Do you think it would help if I said I was a shift leader at Market Basket?
ldh8504 8 / 16  
Dec 21, 2009   #4
er... are you seriously going to talk about drug? i think you are being really creative, but maybe this is too tough to be a college app essay.
Katsch 4 / 63  
Dec 21, 2009   #5
You're definitely going to stand out, but I don't think that's a good thing in this case.

Do you think a college would want to know that this is the life you're headed for if you go to their college? I'm not sure the risk you're taking will pay off.
OP TimMill 9 / 63  
Dec 21, 2009   #6
Thanks man. I'll definitely add the part about shift leader at market basket. Maybe I'll even say say that I coached little league for a stint, that might make it a little better.
juesewang 4 / 9  
Dec 21, 2009   #7
okay. I'm gonna take a wild guess and say you're aiming for different. HOWEVER, i agree with ginny2345. You are basically telling the Admissions office that once you get in, you are going to pay someone to take all your exams, fake your way through college, and after college, do absolutely nothing. You are saying to them that a UPENN degree will do nothing in the world by saying you will end up to be nothing. Unless you are aiming to insult UPENN please change your approach. Try something not related to illegal activities and unsuccessful careers.
Ivy_Equestrian 13 / 55  
Dec 21, 2009   #8
Wow! Well, you're certainly a powerful writer - however, I agree with the previous posters that this is probably not what you want to convey to the AdCom. It comes across as pure shock-value - yes, they'll remember you, but it's very likely that they won't be able to get the image of you in this light out of their heads. Being different is a good thing, and being positive even better.
mccarthc 2 / 3  
Dec 21, 2009   #9
I have a simple fix for this essay. The story is great, but you should say that all this happened because you didn't get into upenn.
Ivy_Equestrian 13 / 55  
Dec 21, 2009   #10
mccarthc - that would actually be really funny!! Great idea!
juesewang 4 / 9  
Dec 21, 2009   #11
agreed! that is pretty smart
OP TimMill 9 / 63  
Dec 22, 2009   #12
You know guys, it was honestly just all a joke... I was sitting looking at a blank page for two hours and got tired of thinking of a real essay, so I wrote this one just for kicks and giggles... I'm amazed that people thought I was serious, but hey, whichever. Saying that it's about rejection from UPenn, though, that's a clever idea!

Actually it still puts me in a bad light- it means I can't accept failure and move on... I'm not going to submit this, I never was, but it was nice chatting.
politik 6 / 34  
Dec 22, 2009   #13
sht dude...they should have realized u were joking when u asked if it would be any better if u were a shift leader...and again adding that it might get better if u added that u coached little league for some time...No one got your attempts at humoring them...every1s taking u and themselves too seriously...

P.S:Neither did I..:D
dingpx - / 11  
Dec 22, 2009   #14
You can give them this, just have a try! Try is always the best, as long as you are also ready to prepare next year's application...
OP TimMill 9 / 63  
Dec 22, 2009   #15
See, that's the thing, dingpx... I don't want to have to reapply next year...
mstickel 5 / 21  
Dec 26, 2009   #16
well I was going to look at your essays for some ideas, and then I got distracted by this essay, and I can honestly say that it made my night. I will be sure to edit the essay you sent me just as soon as I finish the SLU essay. I hope it can wait. Funny shit man. It was good.
Awesomeness 4 / 8  
Dec 26, 2009   #17
Haha, at least you have a good writing style?
luminousx 3 / 32  
Dec 28, 2009   #18
Wow, I definitely enjoyed reading this.
qomoco 24 / 107  
Dec 28, 2009   #19
See, that's the thing, dingpx... I don't want to have to reapply next year...

well you can write... I don't think I have to tell you that but whatever

anyway, if you reapply to a university, do you still have the same % chance of getting in?

I meant transfer is harder, but does reapply increase your chance?
OP TimMill 9 / 63  
Jan 2, 2010   #20
I think for every Uni it's different. Stanford, for example (my first choice school that I didn't get in to) accepts about 8% of freshman applicants. It accepts less than 2% of transfer apps, though, so of course it's going to be tougher to get in transfer.

As for reapplying, I would imagine it would not increase your chances. Every school has some sort of rubric, and i would imagine all undergrad admissions are judged on the same rubric, regardless of whether its an app or a reapp.
bonitachica 1 / 12  
Jan 2, 2010   #21
If you can write this off the top of your head, you will be fine to write an essay!!!

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