It is my frist essay i am listenin to your advice
I want to start to write a short essay about me for three or four days,
it is not easy as I was thinking,but as we knew "the practices makes perfect".
My name is Souhail, I have 24 years old and I am a future engineer of computer science .
I was born in Ksar El kebir,it is a small town,it is a historique city,however it ignored by gouvernement.
Here people have a simple style of life there is no stress or fear.
I passed my best days in this city here I have my famille my friends and my memories.
I remembre when my father brings me to school and given me advice to become good student .He bought
to me candy whenever I remembred I felt taste in my tongue.I always go to the river with my friends
enjoying free time.
Dear Souhail,
It is a pleasure to be working with you today. Please see my comments below:
Revised essay:
My name is Souhail. I am 24 years old and my major, and my dream is to become a computer engineer. I grew up in a small town, Ksar El Kebir, a city filled with history. People who live here have a simple life where there is no stress or fear. Some of my best memories have taken place right here in the city. My father would always bring me to school and gave me advice on the importance of being a goof student. He also bought me treats, and just remembering about it, brings the taste of sweet in my tongue. My friends and I always go to the river to enjoy our free time.
When you read the essay above, does it flow smoothly as you read it? Look at how I changed the essay to connect all of the sentences together. Your first essay was written in the form of a list, but now you can see that the essay has been connected by using "and," "but," "or," etc. All of the ideas connect like a domino effect. The only issue is that you don't have a concluding sentence. You can end your essay with saying something about yourself, your dream, etc, something that closes the paragraph.
Please let us know if you need any other help or advice.
Regards,
Juan Rubio
Hi Souhail,
I made a mistake while editing your essay. Here is the correction:
"My name is Souhail. I am 24 years old, and my dream is to become a computer engineer. "
That was the mistake.
:)
Hi Chougrani, first of all, WELCOME to the Essay Forum Family, as I always say, it feels good knowing that there are more and more people, students and writers alike who are coming to one place such as EF.
Now, as you are going through a process of mastering the language, below is little help from my end.
- it is not easy as I was thinkingthought ,
- but as we knewknow "the practices makes perfect".
- My name is Souhail, I haveam 24 years old
- and I am a future engineer
- ofin computer science .
- however it is ignored by thegouvernementgovernment .
- Here, people haveobserve a simple
- life style of life there is no stress or fear.
- I passedhad my best days in
- this city,here I have my famillefamily, my friends
- I remembreremember when my
- given me advice to become a good student .
- He bought to me candy whenever he can and
- I remembredcan still remember theI felt taste in my tongue.
There you have it, the above corrections are very intensive, as I would rate it, intensive because you still have a lot of things to learn and a lot of practices to do in order to get better at this craft. Also, in writing, it's not always, being creative, it's also the logic of the ideas and how it is being transpired or expressed in your essay. I hope to review more of your essays and writing projects soon.
thank you very much for your help i will do all my best to progress
Hi Chougrani, it's always a pleasure to provide you with the most accurate and objective modifications for your writing project. I believe you have to work on the following;
- the details of the ideas you want to present to your readers, this is very essential in order to create that complete sense in your sentences.
- know your target or goal, this is usually drawn from the topic or the task provided, pretty much your prompt or the prompt provided to you
- logical sequence, make sure that each and every sentence or paragraph is drawn from the previous idea that you have in order to create a smooth transition of ideas.
Furthermore, learn how to proof read and critique your own wok, this will let you see how well you progressed and with our expertise you will know which areas you still need to develop.
It is my first paragraph , I would like someone will correct It for me and give an important advice.
I am writing a short paragraph about myself for three or four days.
It is not easy to write a paragraph as I think, but as we knew "the practices make perfect"
