I was reading through some of the similar essays on this website answering the same question and the idea of mental health in our country came to mind and I had a really easy time writing this. Should I scrap this idea because it doesn't really effect my life personally or is it more important to write about something you care about? Other than that any feedback and suggestions are greatly appreciated.
Essay Question: Consider something in your life you think goes unnoticed and write about why it's important to you.
It seems that nearly every week there is a new massacre in our country. The feeling is almost routine to me, somehow I have become jaded. I no longer pay attention the media circus following a mass shooting. The who, what, where, when, why has ceased to matter to me, as it seems the next tragedy is never far on the horizon. What does matter to me is that all of these tragedies, all of this loss, pain and fear have one common catalyst, the gunman was mentally ill.
While I nor anyone in my day to day life suffers from a severe mental illness this issue is very important to me. The lack of accessible treatment for all individuals and the stigma around seeking treatment in this country is unacceptable. All the gun control in the world won't stop these tragedies from happening. Only serious reform in the area of mental health treatment in our country will fix this seemingly endless cycle of mass shootings in our country.
Around 25% of our homeless suffer from severe mental illness. We as a country have turned our back on these people and left them to fend for themselves in their hour of need. No one asks to be born different and certainly no one asks to be born poor. The fact is these people never had a chance. Because of our failures, they were unable to get the help they need when they needed it, and now because of that we label them a burden.
The perpetrators and victims of mass shootings and the growing homeless population have two things in common. One, they are often times the victims of mental illnesses. Second, society has failed them, we have failed them. People are not born monsters or burdens, they are created when allowed to slip through the cracks of society, away from the light of sanity, and the results can be heartbreaking.
Our nation faces many problems, the lack of treatment for those with mental illnesses being only one. But it is significant, it is not going away any time soon, and I am afraid that until we have an open and honest discussion about how we deal with mental health treatment in this country we will continue to garner the suffering of our inaction.
Some grammatical errors: "The feeling is almost routine to me; somehow I have become jaded.", "I no longer pay attention to the media circus following a mass shooting"... etc. Make sure to re-read your essay and catch some of these errors/look over it with a teacher.
You only really answer half of the prompt - you never really mention why the issue is important to you, and the addition that neither you nor anyone you know has suffered from mental illness actually serves to diminish your essay's response to the prompt. You need to connect the essay more to yourself and really focus on the second half of the prompt "why it's important to you". From this essay, admissions officers will only understand that you feel passionate about mental illness, which is a really shallow understanding of a person.
It's mostly more important to write about something that will connect to you, as a person. Anyone can write about something that they feel passionate about, and mostly everyone does have something they feel passionate about. However, stating that you feel strongly about global warming, forest preservations, etc. does not really show much besides your personal stance on the subject. Instead, focus on connecting back to yourself so that you can show the admissions who you are as a person.
1st paragraph
- attention to the media circus
3rd paragraph
- Around 25% of ourthe homeless community suffer
final paragraph
- ButHowever it is significant,
This are my remarks, indeed there are a few students who answered the the same prompt and I believe that you did a good job just like most of the students here on EF, who try it on their own first, face criticism, objective remarks and revise the essay to be modified and ready for submission.
Two things for your future writing reference;
- use linking verbs
- avoid using the word "but" at the beginning of your sentence
That's it for now and I hope it helped.
