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'To show the girls in Egypt the light within knowledge' - UC 2 I believe I can


blueshore 3 / 47  
Nov 26, 2011   #1
Does it seem clear? Any comments are appreciated! Thank you very much

Tell us about a quality or accomplishment that makes you proud:

Its 2:00 pm. The tiny room is empty except for a couple of chairs.

She approaches me, " Sarah...Are you sure you can do this?" her eyes try to read my expression. I don't answer her. In my mind, I am back to the first time I tried teaching.

"I am failing English." Ashley said; her report card safely packed away.
"Maybe I can help?" I ask.
"I know I will never be good at this."

Every weekend she would come so I could help her with literature and poetry. Sometimes I felt frustrated, while I saw poetry as a beautiful expression of nuances of feelings, she could not relate to it. I found out that I had to search for her links, not mine. Therefore, I tried to link characters to people we knew as we looked at their motives, and to make grammar come alive by singing the words so the flows would appear. She was getting better, day by day. One day I brought a painting Ashley had drew and told her to describe what she meant by it. She looked at me not finding the words; I knew that feeling of ineffability, and I wanted to show her how words could be explained. "Read this", I told her, showing her a descriptive poem. She felt the words flowing, and her eyes lit. At that instance, I saw change, the power within it. It was then that I realized that teaching could be a means of defying walls- walls that hinder our potential to grow and expand.

I became a teacher. Every time I went to the board, my aim was to enlighten knowledge and to help others realize that change was possible and attainable. When I teach I feel that I can have an impact on those around me, and my own fear of making mistakes diminishes.

When I moved to Egypt, I found that people who could not afford private education were trapped with no means of improvement,and I decided to do something. I spent many sleepless nights working on how I would show the girls the light within knowledge, through it shining their prospects and abilities.

Now as the charity head asks the question, I look at her, this time meeting her eyes:

"Yes .I believe I can."

pepsicola 2 / 13  
Nov 26, 2011   #2
One day I brought a painting Ashley had drew and told her to describe what she meant by it.

i think the correct way to write it is: "Ashley had drawn"
im not sure if you want to say painting and then drawn because they are different artistic mediums(paint and pencil). you can say "a painting Ashley had made" or "a painting Ashley had created"

just a suggestion

its a beautiful essay. your love of teaching shines through your words.
OP blueshore 3 / 47  
Nov 26, 2011   #3
Thank you very much! I will change that.
adrig16 1 / 6  
Nov 26, 2011   #4
wow! you have a really strong essay
i especially love the conclusion and good job in incorporating concrete examples on your actions
mohamed459 9 / 27  
Nov 26, 2011   #5
Beautiful essay. The beginning really drew me in, and you concluded it in a nice way.
OP blueshore 3 / 47  
Nov 27, 2011   #6
Thank you very much :)
kenyaboyfresh 7 / 17  
Nov 27, 2011   #7
blueshore:
One day I brought a painting Ashley had drew and told her to describe what she meant by it.
i think the correct way to write it is: "Ashley had drawn"

I think drew is the right way. You don't say "She drawn this" instead of "She drew this."
You could also re-word it as "... painting that Ashley drew..."
Pretty good essay btw

Edit: Also, it's "Egypt." lol
OP blueshore 3 / 47  
Nov 27, 2011   #8
I know! I didn't write it that way- I wrote the title as I believe I can , and I think one of the moderators changed it! I'm pretty annoyed by the spelling myself! and thank you :)
OP blueshore 3 / 47  
Nov 27, 2011   #9
Any comments on how I could improve this will be appreciated!
nbasghar 2 / 3  
Nov 27, 2011   #10
Wow, nice essay. I especially liked the conclusion where you tried to connect it back to the whole thing.

Good Work!!! :)
OP blueshore 3 / 47  
Nov 28, 2011   #11
Thank you very much!


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