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"Showing Leadership Capabilities" Essay for Transfer App


iveytransfer 1 / 2  
Jan 27, 2016   #1
Having played the piano since the age of 5, it was an interest that I wanted to continue here at XXX University. Under the pressure of schoolwork and other extracurricular, it found its way onto the bottom of my priority list. The solution to my problem emerged when I learned of the nonprofit organization, School of Music Montreal (SoMM) at the beginning of my second year. It was a newly founded organization that I knew I could play a role in shaping. The focus of SoMM was to promote the appreciation of music (piano, guitar, etc.) for underprivileged children in Montreal through activities prepared by XXX students. What better way is there to have a balance of being immersed in music and also connecting with the local community? While having an analytical mind, music added the much necessary dimension to my life in expressing ideas in new creative ways. While school educates us in math and the sciences, I believe music is a just as important.

The directors of SoMM and I decided that my skillset and interest was most aligned with the role as an Education Associate, who represents the organization in creating new connections for SoMM. Since my interest lies in delivering presentation and sharing ideas to large group, I made it possible to continue this practice within SoMM. I had the opportunity to personally train over 40 music teachers, sharing techniques that will help them with their teaching sessions. The theme of my most recent workshop, which I feel very passionate about, was "overcoming performance anxiety". As I am constantly working on bettering my presentation ability, I wanted to make a point that everyone should as well, no matter your circumstances. Through past experience in piano performances, there was a routine that I would refer back that helps block out all your doubts and to reach your full extent. Unfortunately, it is also a concept that most schools do not teach or even emphasize. My main intention was that I would inspire the teachers enough so that they would feel as enthusiastic as I am to pass these ideas down to the elementary students. With these ideas, I believe that the students can reach a new height of confidence that will guide them in reshaping any challenges along their way.

One of the long-term goals I have had for SoMM is connecting them to more schools in Montreal. Currently, we are partners with only just one school, Verdun Elementary. As an executive, we constantly remind ourselves that SoMM should reach more deserving children. Working along with another executive of SoMM, we have been able to build a relationship with the director of New Horizons Montreal, a music school. We will be meeting with the Director this week to discuss the possibility of the two organizations working together in empowering youth with music in the near future.
sholihin84 6 / 9  
Jan 28, 2016   #2
Based on the essay you published, honestly, it is difficul to find minor mistake. Absolutely, used-grammars are correct.
But, if I must evaluate the essay, I should suggest you to distinct clear your own-thesis.

for example: the sentence of your--> [.....I believe music is a just as important]. Absolutely, I cannot find the reason why the view can be.
vangiespen - / 4,134 1449  
Jan 28, 2016   #3
Mario, your leadership abilities just don't come through in the essay. One thing that reviewers hate is when the applicants try to make them believe that you decided on something at an age when you could barely pronounce or much less, write your name. Anything htat starts with "When I was 5 years old" will automatically be viewed, not with suspicion, but perhaps, disbelief by the reviewer. So you will need to rephrase your opening statement. You need to automatically portray the foundation of your leadership in the opening statement. Talk about how you trained yourself or received some sort of training, through activities that led to the development of the aforementioned skill set.

In your second paragraph, you can then discuss SoMM and how you became an Education Associate. Outline your leadership responsibilities along with the title description and then transition that into your third paragraph. That will be the paragraph where your deliver an example of your leadership ability. If you want to use an incident when you were teaching the future music teachers, then go ahead and do so. Just make sure to complete the discussion in that paragraph because your next transition sentence should lead into the conclusion of your essay. In the conclusion, you can recap the training you received, the leadership ability you displayed, then imply that the skills you have will come in handy once you begin to participate in social activities at the university.
OP iveytransfer 1 / 2  
Jan 28, 2016   #4
Awesome thanks. If possible can you take a look at this one as well:

During the summer after my first undergraduate year, I was hired on as a Private Equity Summer Analyst at XXX Firm, a rapidly growing investment firm in CITY. By matching my current skills with the firm's needs, I was able to seamlessly integrate into their team. I tackled a long-term project to devise a solution that would help the 50 representatives across Canada streamline a process to increase their sales. Many criteria had to be fulfilled for this project, but I was free to figure out how to meet them in any way I wished.

From June to August, I devoted most of my time to this project. The initial stage involved using my current skills, the knowledge I had gained from school, and my outside experience to build a framework. Since I have an engineering background, my analytical and problem-solving skills played a key role in helping me learn what I needed to execute my ideas. Through daily meetings with the Chief Operating Officer, I was exposed to the many facets of the business world. These meetings brought new light to my project. After many revisions, I ended up developing a system with over 800 lines using VBA in Microsoft Excel. The system helped automate the Know Your Client (KYC) forms for the firm's key reps. Ultimately, the system saved time, prevented mistakes and enhanced the firm's professional appearance.

As project leader, I assisted with creating detail specifications, setting timelines for each stage and developing a roll-out strategy to end-users. But part of having great ideas involves convincing others to think in the same way as you do. I developed a presentation to persuade staff that my system was a viable solution. Since most of the reps were senior people who tended to have traditional approaches to technology, I also developed a user-friendly educational program to assist those reps who had little to no background in working with computers. During the beta-testing phase, I coached several reps and to familiarize them with the system. I received great reviews from the group. Before returning to school, I trained the compliance team so they could continue pushing the project forward for release. I'm happy to say that the system is now in place and the reps can fully concentrate on their client without worrying about the paperwork.

Part of working at the firm involved educating myself about the private-equity space to understand the role it plays in the market. To do that, I enrolled in and completed (in my spare time) the Exempt Market Product Course to build a working knowledge of this business. This enabled me to participate in conducting due diligence for private companies and sit in on presentations with companies. There was one firm ลน- XXX - that I was particularly interested in, because it was developing an electrical technology to help reduce electrical energy consumption. With my electrical engineering background and the analytical techniques I learned at the firm, I was able to compile a due-diligence and analysis report that provided the team with an additional perspective to consider regarding this investment opportunity.

Based on my performance and initiative, I received a bonus and an invitation to return to the firm this summer.

And this too, sorry they are due tonight so I really need to move fast. Thanks again

The international student body of XXX University was what attracted me to attend it coming from CITY. Back in grade 11, I participated on a French Immersion summer program, J'Explore, and realized I thrive in environment outside my comfort zone. I made a lot of long lasting friendship with people from all of Canada as well as Mexico and realized I could do the same at XXX School, except on an even greater scale. Getting involved with the engineering council, the COUNCIL really helped set the framework of the peers I will meet. COUNCIL operated with over 20 first year student representatives and 7 executives, 2 of which are the presidents (upper year). I held one of the executive positions as the Vice President of Finance. The objective of the council was to help first years engineering student transition into XXX by throwing many events catered to them. As the VP Finance, I had the opportunity to personally work with all 20 first year representatives since all the events required financing and the projection of the budget. To sustain the delivery of events, I also managed the fundraising team to ensure that there was a constant stream of income. However, majority of our funding actually came from when I represented JC at the annual engineering undergraduate society meeting where they fulfilled my request to receive additional support. Each events presented different variables and constants and required different approaches to accurately analyze. Over 14 events during the year, we reported a surplus of over $1300 for the upcoming year.

One of the major events that COUNCIL had for that year was an academic conference where I and another executive of the council had taken the initiative to bring onto the campus. We felt that there was a lack of direction in terms of career options after graduating from XXX School because it is a very research-intensive school and many students were not familiar with the industries that they can work for. Over 3 careful months of planning before execution, we were able to establish a partnership with a local residence company, FIRM, where it became the venue for the conference and also to future COUNCIL events. I was able to reach out to some of my existing connection as well as other professionals from CITY2 who was invited as speakers. They all came from untraditionally engineering fields such as management consulting and finance (and buy side), working at FIRM1, FIRM2, and FIRM3. With no events launched similar to this one in the past, we had a great turnout rate with over 50 students ranging from undergrads to even PhDs at our event. One favorable outcome was that the because the students were introduced to this residence company during our event, some decided to lease with them in their upcoming year which resulted in a win-win-win situation for all 3 parties.
Redbud51 1 / 1  
Jan 28, 2016   #5
Awesome! Your voice shines through, but your sentences could be..more concise. Sometimes it felt like you were rambling.
You missing a comma or two for a compound sentence.

However, the majority of our funding actually came from when I represented JC at the annual engineering undergraduate society meeting where they fulfilled my request to receive additional support.

One of the major events that COUNCIL had for that year was an academic conference where I and another executive of the council had taken the initiative to bring onto the campus.

I was able to reach out to some of my existing connection, as well as other professionals from CITY2, who was invited as speakers.

(Break this up a little bit. It makes it easier to read. You have energy here - that's great! But you need to harness it? You feel me? Make this easier to read.)
vangiespen - / 4,134 1449  
Jan 28, 2016   #6
In the first essay, try not to discuss what you learned on the job because we are talking about your leadership abilities. Instead, focus the essay on your position as the project leader. Discuss more of the collaboration that you should have had with the other members of the team. Explain how you encouraged them to work with you, with the team, and how the sense of cooperation that you fostered helped see the project to completion. The part that you wrote about the special education program was also good. You need to develop that further to show the kind of leader that you can be, the one who does not see a weakness in his employee or team member, but rather, an untapped potential that you always try to draw out of the person.

As for the second essay, I am not sure that you are supposed to be presenting in it since you did not provide us with the prompt that accompanies it. I am not sure about the focus of the essay. Please provide the prompt that you are responding to in that essay so that I can better assess the work that you have done. I'll wait for the information since you said we have only a few hour to perfect both essays. I'll try to help you until the last minute. I'm on standby.
OP iveytransfer 1 / 2  
Jan 28, 2016   #7
Thanks, that really helps with the work experience one. Don't worry about the last essay. I m working on the music one and I m kinda struggling with it.


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