Pls. critique essay
1. Stanford students are widely known to possess a sense of intellectual vitality. Tell us about an idea or an experience you have had that you find intellectually engaging.
I grew up watching TV shows about vampires and ghosts. Horror movies and supernatural stories fascinated me because they represented my love for the unique and unknown. In sixth grade there was a requirement for a TAG (Talented and Gifted) project, it was not surprising that I choose "Cannibalism" as my topic. This however would be unusual for someone of my generation. Most of my classmates have already picked the usual topics: Brett Favre, Ipods, etc., but I knew mine is interesting because it is going to be unique. It proved to be true. However, my perceptions of cannibalism changed after doing my project. At first, I pictured a poster filled with bloodthirsty ancient primitive tribes roasting humans over fire. Most of the cannibals, however, are normal human beings. Caught by irreversible forces, many were forced to survive on the flesh of their loved ones. In Andes Flight disaster, survivors had to collect flesh from their comrades in order to feed themselves. All of them were Roman Catholics. These are not tribal people. In one documentary, I could see one person' anguish as he talked of his experiences. It's amazing how humans can do the unthinkable in order to survive. My research uncovered a new learning. Cannibalism is not only a primitive ritual but also a mode of survival. I changed my poster to reflect my new discovery. Perceptions are always unreliable. It can be corrected by careful research and challenging perceptions. My questioning attitude remains until today.
really good, if you haven't made the word limit yet, it could be enhanced if maybe you described the TAG more? I was confused if thats a class or organization.
Also, when you introduce a secondary source or example, start out by completely introducing it. Like, In the documentary film Andes Flight Disaster...
Overall good, It shows you are unique
Thank you very much.
You need to elaborate more on how your newly gained knowledge affected you. If you can connect that knowledge to how you were affected, then it would be appropriate. But I felt like your essay had a rather abrupt ending.
"Perceptions are always unreliable. ItThey can be corrected by".
I would start elaborating after "Perceptions are always unreliable." That looks like a good starting point. I like the idea, but you just need to talk about its impact on you a little bit more. Good luck!
I really liked this!
especially since admissions officers rarely read about cannibalism
why don't you mention why cannibals intrigued you more, and how you desire to learn more about them
I also liked this!
A few corrections after glancing over it:
1. TV--> television (I'm pretty sure acronyms are frowned upon)
2. make sure your tenses are consistent
EXAMPLE:
"In sixth grade there was a requirement for a TAG (Talented and Gifted) project, it was not surprising that I choose..."
The tenses switch between past and present throughout your response after that passage as well. Choose one tense and use it throughout.
3. "It proved to be true" can be rewritten as "It proved true."
And I just realized... you should replace "it" with a phrase such as "my prediction" or something more descriptive. The "it" you are referring to gets lost.
Good luck! =)
