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Shy to Confident (personal quality)


love13love 2 / 3  
Nov 25, 2010   #1
UC Prompt #2 - Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?

Before entering high school, I remember myself as being painfully shy. I would not speak to anyone unless I was spoken to first. In elementary school, the only people I became friends with were people who approached me first. Even f I did not understand a concept in school, I would not ask the teacher and would just wait for another person to ask the question, which the majority of the time, nobody would. As I graduated junior high school and began to prepare myself for my entry into high school, I vowed to myself that somehow I would overcome this obstacle.

Once I entered high school, I realized how important interacting with others really was. Group projects were recurring, and often, teachers would assign the groups instead of letting us choose for ourselves. Interacting with anyone I was put with a group into turned out to be a vital skill and as high school is acknowledged as being an introduction to the real world, I realized that interacting with anyone was a crucial life skill that I had to obtain. Throughout high school, I was exposed to teachers and peers, who, I believe, were sent to help me through my problem. As I met more and more people, I began to get more comfortable greeting new people and forging new relationships.

When I realized that I had to be more open and confident in myself, I was able to change myself because I willed myself through it. Through this experience, I may have only changed one trait; however, I have learned a great life lesson that I will never forget. Even if I feel that change is hopeless and that it is impossible to change a fault, if I push and encourage myself through the process, there is not any obstacle I cannot overcome. Life is a running track and I'm ready to jump those hurdles in front of me.

Any help would be appreciated. There may be some grammatical errors and spelling errors in here...
yoromori 3 / 10  
Nov 27, 2010   #2
In the first paragraph you mention how being shy was "painful," so I think to strengthen that idea, you could include some sensory detail that helps to thoroughly capture how it felt to be shy.

I think it would also strengthen your essay overall to include an anecdote that illustrates how you were able to overcome your shyness.

Even if I feel that change is hopeless and that it is impossible to change a fault, if I push and encourage myself through the process, there is not any obstacle I cannot overcome.

I think you should reword this sentence to relate back to your introductory paragraph, because in your introductory paragraph, you state how you vowed to overcome it, and not how you thought it was an unchangeable fault.

I also think you should expand on the part of the prompt that says how this trait relates to the person that you are. Expand on what is different about you: possibly the clubs you joined and the new opportunities you were exposed to as a result of you breaking out of your shell.

(I myself was extremely shy when I first entered high school, and meeting new friends helped me to discover new opportunities, so I can really relate to your essay =])

Other than that, I didn't notice any grammatical errors. If you have time, could you possibly read and edit my essays as well?


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