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'I was shy.' - University of MIchigan supplement


ellecc 4 / 12  
Aug 22, 2012   #1
Everyone belongs to many different communities and/or groups defined by (among other things) shared geography, religion, ethnicity, income, cuisine, interest, race, ideology, or intellectual heritage. Choose one of the communities to which you belong, and describe that community and your place within it. (Approximately 250 words)

Blushing and panicking, I wasn't able to introduce myself to my new Chinese class after my transfer from Japan at 10.

I was shy.

Just like all others who resemble me in shyness, I easily got embarrassed and then became too nervous to utter a word. Like others in my "community", I avoided attention and let timidity took control of my life, thus constantly losing great chances of improvement. Because of shyness, I passed an opportunity of making a speech at our school's English Corner when I was eleven, and of shyness again, I refused to dance with other girls on the Christmas party.

I knew I was shy, and that shyness was hindering my progress, so deep down my heart, I yearned for a change, however small it might be. I told myself that I could do it, and little by little, do it I did. I signed up my name at the last minute after three days of inward struggle when the school's volleyball club recruited new members; I overcame the fear of failure and acted Hermia in A Midsummer Night's Dream in front of the whole school. Even though I still blushed when facing audience and receiving attention, I realized that as long as I fight against that fear, a whole new world of possibilities will open up! So I tried hard and kept struggling.

Yesterday, I watched the video of the class concert which was held a week ago. I was the hostess and I sang a song. I noticed myself touching my nose for several times, which a psychologist must have analyzed as a sign of embarrassment. Yes, even now, when the growth of age should have abraded the shyness away, when I have become braver toward grabbing a chance after years of trying, I still am shy. I might never get rid of my shyness, yet I will never succumb to it.

Words:318
Liebe 1 / 542 2  
Aug 22, 2012   #2
^Overly dramatic and somewhat repetitive.

Also, how does your essay address the prompt exactly?

. I noticed myself touching my nose for several times, which a psychologist must have analyzed as a sign of embarrassment.

^Huh?

I dont get it.

Choose one of the communities to which you belong, and describe that community and your place within it.

^What is your place within the community? You talk about being shy and then overcoming fear.
OP ellecc 4 / 12  
Aug 23, 2012   #3
well... I was trying to say that the community I belong to is "people who are shy" and I wanted to show that I am the shy one who try hard and never succmubs to my shyness....

but it seems that it's not that clear...

What can I do?
I really should write a new one?
OP ellecc 4 / 12  
Aug 24, 2012   #4
well... I was trying to say that the community I belong to is "people who are shy" and I wanted to show that I am the shy one who try hard and never succmubs to my shyness....

but it seems that it's not that clear...

What can I do?
I really should write a new one?
Liebe 1 / 542 2  
Aug 26, 2012   #5
Do you belong to a community of 'shy people' or is your ethnic community 'shy'. If its the latter, I strongly suggest re-writing from scratch.

Try and help others with their essays in the meantime
OP ellecc 4 / 12  
Sep 5, 2012   #6
its the former,,,, then what should I do to make that point clearer?


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