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Siblings May be the Best Teachers (Where you come from, UC Admissions Essay)


ohdangmish 1 / 1  
Nov 3, 2010   #1
Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

There are approximately one-hundred-thirty-three million births each year, two-hundred-and-forty-seven births a minute, or four births every second. There are no numbers that can describe how many children a family may have, but in my family, we have three daughters. Being the youngest in the family, there are certain expectations that must be met. In a family of high values, failure is not an option. Having two older sisters gain experiences before me brings pros and cons to my own future decisions. I must be the one to correct what mistakes they have made, but I must also be the one to surpass their success. Our family cherishes this rule, but my sisters have been educated long enough to teach me that I create my achievements.

Their first lesson for me was to create my own future, fearing that every aspect would be decided by my parents. Therefore, as a mere elementary school student, I chose to major in Biology as a precursor to attending medical school to become involved in pediatric medicine. Gaining the necessary knowledge may take a long time, but by giving the ill a chance for hope and creating a sense of security in a situation where they may have lost faith, the time will prove to be worthwhile. For five years of my life, I was sure that I would not mind going through years of difficult education. I have never given up on a goal, and beginning now will take me nowhere in the years to come.

Their second lesson for me was to shape amazing relationships with others, fearing that I would let the wrong people influence my decisions. There is always going to be the people who forge a friendship in order to receive benefits, be it homework or money. In contrast, there are people who will go on to share the same close relationship fifty years from now. My friends enabled an experience of a maternal and caring feeling, which has further enforced my will to become a pediatrician. I do not believe in relying on others but friendship plays an important role in growing older. To me, the closer the relationships, the easier going forward with ideas become.

Their last lesson for me did not need to be expressed in words. They wanted to teach me all those lessons, but simultaneously, my sisters wished for me to learn something new on my own. It was simply to never change my ideals and my personality. The most important aspect in fulfilling goals is to remain the same person throughout the long and difficult process. It is valuable for me to maintain the strong mentality I have now in order to succeed in medical school. Change is inevitable, but controllable.

To this day, I thank my sisters for teaching me to be outspoken and different, to take control of life while young so I would not have to deal with the consequences later. I thank them for helping me secure my desire to become a doctor in order to aid others like my sisters have for me.

Please and thank you!!
Myselves - / 5  
Nov 3, 2010   #2
Overall it's decent, but it doesn't really grab the reader's attention. I would consider not making yourself seem so stiff. I understand that you wanted to convey that you are a person who won't compromise her beliefs, but at the same time you are bordering stubborness in all its negative glory.

I would advise you to try to ground your ideas in certain events in your life. For example, a time when your sisters sat you down while you were crying cause one of your friends told a secret about you, but your sisters explained blah, blah, and blah.

Hope this helps. (My comments are written in the () of your essay below)
There are approximately one-hundred-thirty-three million births each year, two-hundred-and-forty-seven births a minute, or four births every second. (needs a better transition here)There are no numbers that can describe how many children a family may have, but in my family, we have three daughters. Being the youngest in the family, there are certain expectations that must be met. In a family of high values, failure is not an option. Having two older sisters gain experiences before me brings pros and cons to my own future decisions. (Awkwardly written in my opinion. Try to be more concise) I must be the one to correct what mistakes they have made, but I must also be the one to surpass their success. Our family cherishes this rule, but my sisters have been educated long enough to teach me that I create my achievements. (Aren't your sisters part of your family? So they cherish this rule, yet don't agree with it exactly? Also saying that they "Have been educated long enough" implies that the idea is not an educated one)

Their first lesson for me was to create my own future, fearing that every aspect would be decided by my parents. Therefore, as a mere elementary school student, I chose to major in Biology as a precursor to attending medical school to become involved in pediatric medicine. (What exactly was it that lead you to biology? Was it a sick aunt or cousin that you liked? Because in elementary school you don't choose a major unless something has sparked an interest, and what sparked that interest is what makes you unique and interesting.) Gaining the necessary knowledge may take a long time, but by giving the ill a chance for hope and creating a sense of security in a situation where they may have lost faith, the time will prove to be worthwhile. For five years of my life, I was sure that I would not mind going through years of difficult education.(I feel that sentence holds a reluctance on your major choice. It comes off sounding like you statement might be instantly contradicted. "For five years of my life, I was sure that I would go through med school, but then I realized that it wasn't for me" is the flow that the sentence has.) I have never given up on a goal, and beginning now will take me nowhere in the years to come. (May be interpreted as you being resilient to change which I wouldn't count as a positive aspect)

Their second lesson for me was to shape amazing relationships with others, fearing that I would let the wrong people influence my decisions. (Try to use a different sentence structure here. It's the exact same as the intro to the paragraph before this) There is(are?) always going to be the(consider deleting "the") people who forge a friendship in order to receive benefits, be it homework or money ("And then abandon the friendship when it no longer suits them" would finish the thought). In contrast, there are people who will go on to share the same close relationship fifty years from now. My friends enabled an experience of a maternal and caring feeling, which has further enforced my will to become a pediatrician. I do not believe in relying (completely?) on others but friendship plays an important role in growing older (maturing?). To me, the closer the relationships, the easier going forward (progression? Advance? Advancement? This part just sounds awkward) with ideas become.

Their last lesson for me did not need to be expressed in words (awk). They wanted to teach me all those lessons, but (delete simultaneously, insert "also" after sisters) simultaneously, my sisters wished for me to learn something new on my own. It was simply to never change my ideals and my personality (expand on this to show that its positive. Being adamant about issues isn't always a good thing as you may appear close minded). The most important aspect in fulfilling goals is to remain the same person throughout the long and difficult process (I would say that it's more important to grow as a person than simply succeed). It is valuable for me to maintain the strong mentality I have now in order to succeed in medical school. Change is inevitable, but controllable.

To this day, I thank my sisters for teaching me to be outspoken and different, to take control of life while young so I would not have to deal with the consequences later. I thank them for helping me secure my desire to become a doctor in order to aid others like my sisters have for me.
OP ohdangmish 1 / 1  
Nov 3, 2010   #3
thanks for the advice. i'll fix it and see what else people have to say :)
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Nov 12, 2010   #4
I think this sentence is not quite right: There are no numbers that can describe how many children a family may have, but in my family, we have three daughters.

I'm not sure what this sentence means: I must be the one to correct what mistakes they have made, but I must also be the one to surpass their success. ---Do you have to surpass them somehow?

Their first lesson for me was to create my own future; I had been fearing that every aspect of my life would be decided by my parents.----I added some words to this sentence to make it clearer.

There is are always going to be the people who forge a friendship

The most important aspect factor in fulfilling goals is to remain the same person throughout the long and difficult process.

Change is inevitable, but controllable.---nice sentence!!!


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