He sits there, in block start position, amid the icy winter sky. His panting growing louder, his pulse escalating. The temperature differential propels an eerie column of fog up from his mouth, producing the spooky ambience of a werewolf movie. Only one thought crosses his mind, to be the first one to reach that finish line. The crowds roar producing butterflies in his stomach.
A gunshot, stampede and the race was finished, instinct eventually overrode thought. A hundred meter sprint, twelve seconds flat, yet it didn't suffice. Just over two seconds separated first from last, yet he merely inched his way to fourth place. Surprisingly he wasn't disappointed, rather John Hersey's words reminded him, "Every success begins with a failure".
Driven by an inexplicable compulsion he still competes each year, the fear of failure has made him averse to new challenges. For who doesn't like the sight of gold?
any critique would be welcome, my grammar and punctuation is horrible. I would be pleased if you could let me know about errors in those areas
hey thanks a lot, i really appreciate the errors you have mentioned. The thing is the word limit was 150 words..and this is exactly 150, otherwise i was definitely going to mention the track team..i just don't know what to cut out now..
Here is one I missed:
Only one thought crosses his mind: to be the first one to reach that finish line.
If you just use a comma there, it is a run on sentence...
Now, here is one that is, technically, a sentence fragment and not a complete sentence:
The crowds roar producing butterflies in his stomach.
Looks like this one is the one to cut out, because it is less necessary than tho others. Will that get you under 150 words?
i appreciate the help. Yeah that would definitely get me below 150 words..but then again its just 8 words... so somehow i have to condense the track team part in 8 words. I'll get to it. Then ill definately show you the final piece!
thanks again
you don't have to make it below 150 words
common apps will accept forms up to around 170 words i think
and if you're sending it in via paper version then you can get away with it even more because they don't count the number of words
