Signif. Experiences: Bitter and Sweet--UF application-suggestions?

Please write a concise narrative in which you describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF Campus community. You may want to reflect on your ideas about student responsibility, academic integrity, campus citizenship or a call to service.

Two events that profoundly impacted me are intertwined by the fact that they took place within a span of ten days of each other. One of the events was of such a magnitude, that the other pales by comparison. However, the overall effect caused me to re-evaluate myself and my goals.

The first incident caused my heart to almost stop beating. My father received a phone call and repeated the news aloud. Scott had been killed in a car accident on the way to the high school senior awards ceremony. He was my sister's best friend, and over the ten years that he hung out at our home, he became like an older brother to me. He was almost part of our family with the day-to-day adventures that we shared. Scott had a wild imagination and a wonderful sense of humor. He was such a special kid--a favorite among his teachers, Third in his class, and a joie de vivre that was contagious to those around him.

The next week at my own eighth grade awards ceremony, our assistant principal was announcing the top male student of the year award. When he began talking, I heard him call my name. My sister, still overwrought with grief, stood up in the crowded cafeteria and began yelling, "Yes! Yes!" to no one in particular. Dumbfounded, I reached the stage wondering why one of the outstanding athletes or gifted students was not in my place. I gratefully accepted the engraved palque from Assistant Principal Knabe. As I turned to the hundreds of applauding students and parents, I embraced the joyful, proud moment that seemed to be the start of something new, deep within me. Later, I realized that this was the first step in creating a vision for my future, persevering in spite of Scott's death. I found that academic success, leadership opportunities, sports, and great friendships completed the picture in my high school years.

When these two events occurred within such close proximity to one another, I could not help but have an overall experience that would affect me both emotionally and academically for the rest of my life. In the Spring of 2006, Scott and my sister Beth were accepted to the University of Florida and had been planning their future adventures there. Since they were so successful in academics and enjoying life, I decided to follow in their footsteps and make University of Florida the pinnacle of my future academic aspirations. At the University of Florida, I will continue to take challenging classes, excel academically, and encourage others to reach their full potential. I hope to do research in my chosen field of engineering. My leadership roles in high school volleyball and JETS engineering club have been rewarding experiences and have made we want to seek out more responsibilities in the future. With my experiences and potential, I know that the sky is the limit if I am lucky enough to become part of the Gator Nation.

Very interesting essay. Your narrative can be improved. This essay answers the prompt. However I cannot identify how earning the award effected you.

I see what you are trying to do here, using sentence fragments for emphasis. But it doesn't quite work. Also, since the one event -- winning the award -- is of such a lower order of magnitude than the other, matching them like that doesn't quite work either. It's good to talk about this time when both happened, I just don't like the way this is introduced. Perhaps if you just cut out the introduction, starting instead with the first "My heart--" sentence.

Thanks for the suggestion. I will try to rework the first paragraph or eliminate it.

Here is the revision I can up with. Please let me know what you think. Also, I have a few questions...Can the first paragraph have only these two sentences, or do you think I need a third sentence? Suggestions?

In Paragraph 2, do you think that overwrought is a better word than overwhelmed when I talk of my sister's grief?
Last question...in the first sentence of paragraph 3, should I capitalize Assistant Principal here and/or Top Male Student of the Year? Or should I have them be lower case? Thank you for your comments....

^That is your second sentence. I thought it was a bit of a spoiler for the rest of your essay.

The next week at my own eighth grade awards ceremony, our assistant principal was in the process of announcing the 'T op male student of the year award' . When he began talking, I heard him call my name. My sister, still overwrought with grief, stood up in the crowded cafeteria and began yelling, "Yes! Yes!" to no one in particular. Dumbfounded, I reached the stage wondering why one of the outstanding athletes or gifted students was not in my placeAs I walked to the stage, I was dumbfounded that I was chosen over an outstanding athlete or gifted student in my grade . I gratefully accepted the engraved palque from Assistant Principal Knabe. As I turned to the hundreds of applauding students and parents, I embraced the joyful, proud moment that seemed to be the start of something new, deep within me. Life can surely be bitter, but it can also be sweet.


^Well firstly, I am not sure if you can talk about two seperate events, seeing as how the prompt requests 'a' meaningful event.
Secondly, you make no connection with the lessons you have learnt to your


You talk about taking challenging classes, but do not say why, or what is it about these events that influenced you to want to take challenging classes.

The same applies for the rest. You are supposed to tell your readers how you have learnt something from an experience, and how you plan on using that lesson at UF's community

It was off-putting to me, as it seemed to equate the importance of winning an award and losing one's life.

Got it...will try to revise according to your advice. Thank you! Any other advice appreciated as well.

Bump...please let me know if you think the last revision was better. thank you .

I have always been a fan of this essay. I think in the introduction you should state how Scotts death effected you in such a negative way. That way this sentence:


will make more sense.

Thank you for your suggestion, Llamapoop. I will try to rework the introduction, although, some have hinted that mentioning the death in the intro may be a sort of "spoiler". Any other comments from anyone on the latest revision? I will be submitting my app with essay this weekend!! Yikes! Everything is already entered online except final essay...