Significant Challenge, and your response to it; 'dream of becoming a pianist'

Q: Explain how you responded to a significant challenge that you have encountered and what you learned in the process. Max. 250 words

A:
At the tender and late age of 10, after seeing a pianist's nimble hands dancing merrily across a sea of black and white keys, I was hit right in the head with a dream of becoming a pianist. From that time onwards, I began to fervently practice my piano. I took my Grade 8 exam in August 2012, after 5 years of piano playing, but I was faced with a crisis. I only had 2 years left to finish my piano exams before I graduated. Many of my cousins graduated high school with a grade 8 or 9 piano, but once they started to attend university, they stopped playing it, letting all those years of hard work go to waste. My teacher suggested a solution to the problem; skipping grade 9 and directly going to grade 10. I signed up for the Grade 10 piano exam in August 2013 and was put under a major deadline. Along with taking my piano exam, I also had 2 summer school completion courses, and a part time job. Even though I was on a tight schedule, I continued to practice 3 hours each day. In the end, I managed to get 85% on my piano exam which is very high, considering that I skipped grade 9 and only learned for a year. Through this impossible challenge, I learned that with hard work and determination, you can achieve your goals and dreams, even though you are far behind from others in your skills.

Can you guys please help me proof read this and give some suggestions on improvement?

I like your first sentence, very clear in letting the reader know your aspirations. Even if its not part of the prompt, its nice for the reader to see that you're more than grades on a transcript. Your story is more "telling," and less "showing." Maybe focus in on a certain event (like getting the 85% on the exam?), and describe how you felt and how it changed you in more detail.


You may want to talk more about yourself, and less about others, since you only have 250 words. Although, if you can really spin it, go for it. (How has their wasted hard work affected/motivated you?)


Avoid using the second person in formal essays in most cases. Should probably replace with "one," or similar.

Good job and good luck!