Significant expereince-- 6th grade math class

Another essay for a program that determines admission/a full scholarship to schools like the University of Chicago

Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you. (500 word limit)

The crack in the so-called window of my sixth grade math class always had the suspicious air of a bullet wound. The black-, no, greenboard bore a note instructing students to bring a novel to read-left over from another class. The lessons were usually easy and the plastic chairs were usually hard. The air felt cold and the chalky blue paint muffling the walls continued to peel. The teacher was kind enough not to mind my completion of homework for lesson 3.4-or whichever lesson we happened to be on-before or while he taught lesson 3.4. And the boy to my right seemed convinced that the best method of entertaining himself must be making me miserable; my physical appearance and nerdy grasp of mathematics were the chief areas of attack. Lachrymose and lacking self-esteem, I fell prey to quite a number of his taunts.

Many view learning as an unpleasant experience. I've always been odd enough to enjoy it and have found long division and Queen Elizabeth fascinating. Here I've mentioned topics one usually comes across in school. While I value what I have learned from my textbooks and my teachers I am also indebted to my peers, my surroundings, and even myself for what I have learned from them. In elementary school it was easy to recognize learning spelled out by a neat benchmark; but since then, I've realized that learning from experience can be just as, if not more so, important. For instance, the year I spent in sixth grade math was the source for one of my defining life lessons-no, not lesson 3.4, but personal value, or valuing the self.

I was fortunate enough to feel tortured by the boy to my right. At some point, wading through my tears grew too laborious and I determined that I must step back and reevaluate my situation. Although my thought process involved much more wobbling here and there, oscillating to and fro, and other sorts of motions resembling amateur performance art than that statement conveys, in sum, it is accurate.

Hair that is aberrantly puffy or curly is not a signification of an individual's inferiority and an aptitude for mathematics is actually a good thing. While this may seem obvious, in sixth grade, it was my revelation: self-worth should not be undermined by negative comments from malicious persons and reasonable pride in one's abilities is healthy. Since discovering this, I have continued to grow in my understanding of the importance of self-esteem and have developed a desire to help others with this as well. I plan to facilitate the realization of this wish by pursuing a degree in psychology and a career in psychiatry.

I'm always on the look-out for new learning opportunities, including those that are hard to find. After all, who would have expected that in a math class rife with stimuli and, of course, math, my most significant experience would come from the boy to my right?

Shouldn't there be "the" before "means"?

Okay, I don't know what to criticize; I guess I'll just talk about what your essay made me think.

First of all, I found it quite hard to hold on to a single thought which described the essay. I mean, in the first paragraph, I felt you were going to talk about something related to maths, or the class in general. However, you ended it up with the boy.

In the second paragraph you make an intriguing point, and while it looks good, I felt like you were telling me why an unpleasant experience is sometimes important for learning. I know that, and have known it for quite sometime, and I'm sure the AOs know that too.

The third sentence of the third paragraph seemed similar to what I've pointed out. Again, I felt as if you were teaching me something, and I'm not sure if that's a good idea for an admissions essay.


You're stating the obvious. The word "psychiatry" means the same thing.
In any case, I think the concluding sentence is weak.

These are just my observations. You're free to disagree.

Yeah I noticed that after I put it up


I was going for an abrupt thing...kind of symbolizing how everyone knows that you learn math in a math class but you don't usually expect to learn something life changing oO I think that can be fixed simply by writing a sentence in the beginning of the paragraph about the boy so it doesn't take the reader by surprise...how severe is the abruptness problem?


That's a good point and you gave me a really good idea. What if I rewrite the para so that it is about my learning this, not telling you or the AOs something we all already know? So it is more personal & what-not

Many people view learning as an unpleasant experience. I've always been odd enough to enjoy it and have found long division and Queen Elizabeth fascinating. Here I've mentioned topics one usually comes across in school. While I value what I have learned from my textbooks and my teachers, I am also indebted to my peers, my surroundings, and even myself for what I have learned from them. In elementary school it was easy to recognize learning spelled out by a neat benchmark; but since then, I've realized that learning from experience can be just as, if not more so, important. For instance, the year I spent in sixth grade math was the source for one of my defining life lessons-no, not lesson 3.4, but personal value, or valuing the self.


Yeah, I kind of wrote that as a disclaimer so it wouldn't seem as if I was trying to say that we should verbally abuse children because it builds character oO Thank you for your perspective, Ershad; you are always pointing out that I underestimate the reader. Anyway, wonderful--I can take this sentence out. There isn't anything important there so this is the new para

I was fortunate enough to feel tortured by the boy to my right. At some point, wading through my tears grew too laborious and I determined that I must step back and reevaluate my situation. Although my thought process involved much more wobbling here and there, oscillating to and fro, and other sorts of motions resembling amateur performance art than that statement conveys, in sum, it is accurate.

And now I only have 459 words so maybe I can write a decent conclusion

Ok, how is this for a concluding paragraph?

I'm always on the look-out for new learning opportunities, including those that are hard to find. After all, who would have expected that in a math class rife with stimuli and, of course, math, my most significant learning experience would come from the boy to my right?

It subtly wraps things up & explains the abruptness in the first para! Or at least I was trying to accomplish that (thoughts on this would be nice=). Now I am up to 496w

Thanks, Ershad!! =)

It's not a problem, and I didn't think it was all that abrupt. I don't know how to put it...it was like a digression...a mild digression. I know I'm sounding confused, but I don't know a better way to explain this.

Don't make changes for the time being.


That's the idea.


I didn't understand this. How can you be indebted to yourself?

This one looks better. It looks "personal" as you say.


Hehe...I never realized that. :)


It's good, but I've got no issues with the last one, except the last sentence.

Haha! That's the idea! See, now you are confused and wondering how you can be indebted to yourself. It's kind of like if you were sitting on a bench talking to a man named Billy and the conversation was really interesting and you were becoming very absorbed. Then someone mis-throws a baseball and it is coming straight for your head! But you catch it in the nick of time! But you see, it was not exactly "you" catching the ball as "you" were engrossed in conversation--it was your reflex. However, reflex or not, it is your reflex and a part of "you." You just weren't completely aware of it. Similarly, you might one day be faced with a dilemma and after a lot of thought realize you knew the answer all along or think of a solution on your own. Who rescued you from a baseball bruise? Who helped you with your problem? Well whoever this amazing person is, you better be grateful for these wonderful things he's done for you and all his time and effort. I realize I was being a bit fanciful--should I just take out the "yourself" part?


Well the last one started out as a body paragraph but realizing I was nearing the word limit, I panicked and wrote that unseemly sentence. I just wanted to write something with the intention of creating a conclusion. That last revision was for me XD So, really? I wrote a good conclusion? Coolios.

Thanks! =D

Haha...how do I know? I'm confused like anything. When you say "reflex" it makes me think of the autonomous nervous system and all the anatomical terms associated with it. It also makes me think of the number of vertebrae we have in our backbone. Whatever you're saying is ... whoooosh... and there she goes...over my head...:D

On a serious note, I think you should take a few more opinions. Others may easily understand that part.

I think you are developing my habit of narrating stories associated with words ;)

Note taken. Wait I shall.

:P
It's good though -- nice way to remember words. I'll never forget that antidis...thingy. Whenever that word comes up, instead of saying the actual meaning, I'll end up talking about that discussion. :)

Here's my essay so far, so it can be read in one piece for anyone who stumbles in here


Haha...I'll never forget everyone's reluctance to spell it XD

Read your essay and what I found was that it took you a while to actually answer the question. While the opener got my attention, the whole thing with the boy torturing you seems prolonged. My suggestion is to shorten your description of your relationship with the boy, and maybe your point will become clearer and earlier. Please take a look at my essay.

The crack in the so-called window of my sixth grade math class always had the suspicious air of a bullet wound.---- I think it can't say wound. I guess I suggest this:

always looked suspiciously like a bullet hole.

This is an example of something that still has the raw energy that you used to write it... but now needs to be packaged for the reader:

The black -- no, green -- board green chalk board bore a note instructing students to bring a novel to read-left over from another class.

(I sometimes like to keep stuff in its original raw form, but here you probably should attend to the reader's mental image)


Nice!
You and Leslie Marmon Silko can get away with not using a comma in a compound sentence, because it gives a sense of urgency, but be advised that Strunk and White advise using commas to connect the 2 halves of a compound sentence.

But nevermind that. This sentence is great... it's like rap music.

...must be making me miserable. --- or... must be to make me miserable.

Okay... this sentence is wicked cool: For instance, the year I spent in sixth grade math was the source for one of my defining life lessons-no, not lesson 3.4, but personal value, or valuing the self.

However, all sentences in this paragraph other than this last sentence get the ax. I am recommending their execution. They are all vague and breezy, not containing much. Well, what it really is is that you use some ideas that make the AO reader say (mentally) oh, I have heard all about this before... unlike others, she enjoys learning. These sentences, doomed to die by my executioner ax, are written beautifully in prose that reflects your sophisticated way of thinking, but alas... the only sentence I'll spare is the last one.

Don't allow things like this into your essay: I'm always on the look-out for new learning opportunities--- know what I mean? This kind of phrase, though you have a good reason for using it, still momentarily makes the AO reader want to stab her own eyes out. You write so well, I hate to see it polluted with phrases like this. You are complex, so say things in a clever way, each time.

Kahlil Gibran said something like: If you must ...
If indeed you must be candid, be candid beautifully; otherwise keep silent, for there is a man in our neighborhood who is dying.-- Gibran

Ha ha, so I recommend this: Cut out the content that does not have that energy of inspiration, condense the story about your tormentor, and concentrate the 2nd half of the essay on telling the moral of the story, the way it helped you know your strengths and interests, and the implications for how you want to approach college.

Thanks for the comments, everyone!

I wanted to mention--no one addressed the fact that I started a sentence with "And" in the first paragraph. So I got away with it? Cool


Hmm, I hope I didn't take that too far in my revision...I got a little bit too excited.

Haha I like that quote


Wow, you are very good at discerning inspiration (the first para was fueled by it and then I was lost. I think it shows)

So a little bit of cosmetic surgery and voila! (If I may say so myself)

...
Now that I understand the rules of the game, I eagerly await each new round. I no longer lounge about and expect knowledge to fall into my lap; instead, like a hunter, I analyze the tracks and determine which trail shall lead me to intellectual nourishment. For instance, in search of a greater challenge, in ninth grade I enrolled in a six-week College Algebra class through dual enrollment because it allowed me to take Pre-Calculus in tenth grade. I did this because I needed to-I was convinced that without mental stimulation in class I just might perish. Is that too melodramatic? haha..I'm up to the 500 word limit so I couldn't take the edge off of that

While High School has been an adventure, I plan to make a university my next battleground.

Absolutely in love with this sentence. :D


I kinda prefer how this sound without the repetition of were. Its just a personal preference though, doesn't add or detract from the essay's structure or message.


The repetition here is unnecessary and IMO makes the statement less powerful.


I actually noticed it. :p But I think you can get away with it. (as i just did. hehe!)



Love it!!


I like the essay as a whole!! Good job! :)

Yeah, I think it is necessary there to avoid abruptness. And I think the rule about not starting sentences w/ conjunctions is the kind of rule that should not be taken too seriously.

...The teacher was kind enough not to mind to permit my completion of homework...

I was fortunate enough to feel tortured by the boy to my right.--- cool!!

I leave you with the task of fitting that last sentence into the essay somehow. You need to have mentioned a battle or battleground in the essay, so that it does not seem random at the end.

And it is like... it was an adventure... and college will be my next adventure... not a battleground.. or.. high school was the first part of an adventure that will continue in college. But you must connect this metaphor to some concept from the essay.

or am i just missing a connection?

This is great, by the way.

Thank you!! =)

Okay, I fixed up the essay with everyone's suggestions and


I offer this:

While the High School knowledge-hunt has been an adventure, I plan to make a university my next sparring match.

Yeah, issues with finding the right word to match the Indiana Jones/spears-and-arrows hunter/hide-and-seek metaphor...XD Does that one make more sense?

Where will you put this sentence? It is important to give an explanation to back up any metaphor you use if it is not self-explanatory. In what way it was a battle, why it is best compared to a sparring match, etc.

You're right, these are tough! You have to keep it simple for the reader. A concept like this needs to have the whole essay dedicated to explaining it. :-)

Why don't I just make it more blunt?
While the High School knowledge-hunt has been an adventure, I plan to extend the fun in college.


Um...all the way at the end? Did you have something else in mind?


Ah, no wonder I am having issues with this, I prefer forcing the reader through hurdles of extended metaphors, allusions, buried puzzles and so forth. A college application is no place for such nonsense =)

Ha ha, well of course college aps are a place for this stuff... but if you want to get someone through a buried puzzle, you need to make it easy for them to stumble upon it. You gracefully manipulate the reader with what you leave in and what you leave out. The biggest bang is when the reader feels like she figured it out all by herself.

And yeah, the end of the essay is a good place for that sentence!